Enlightening Commentary

Public Service Announcement

Posted on June 29, 2016

Ass Launch As we gear up for the annual July 4th Weekend Shitshow, we’d like to remind readers that before telling your buddy, “hold my beer and watch this…”, fireworks (like many firearms) are illegal in Chicago.

“You’d never know it from the booms audible during all hours of the day and night, but fireworks are illegal in Chicago.

Anything that’s handheld, explodes or takes flight is off limits. That ban extends to sparklers, which are OK for use elsewhere in Illinois but not within the city.

Party poppers — those gun- or bottle-shaped spewers of confetti — are totally legal. So are smoke bombs, snakes, “fountain” sprays of sparks and those things that go “snap” when you throw them at the sidewalk.

Trick noisemakers — like “booby traps” and “auto burglar alarms” — also fall into the category of legit novelty fireworks. “Cigarette loads,” hidden inside cigarettes, may sound like an accident waiting to happen, but they’re also completely legal.”

That said, feel free to do whatever the hell you want because every single fireworks call that is dispatched is immediately “coded out” and ignored.