Honor Students of the Week

Jesse KazmierskiBack in March, in a sleepy southeast side neighborhood, a former CPD sergeant was murdered during a home invasion. Yesterday a second honor student was arrested in connection with the incident. The pictured honor student was arrested a few weeks ago.

A 16-year-old boy is the second person to be charged with robbing and fatally shooting a retired Chicago Police sergeant during a March home invasion on the Far South Side.

The teen, whose name has not been released, is charged with one felony count of first-degree murder and two felony counts of armed home invasion in connection with the death of 73-year-old Elmer Brown on March 10, according to a statement from Chicago Police. He is expected to appear in bond court Wednesday.

Mr. Brown may have at one time been a sergeant but subsequent reports had him partially blind and wheelchair-bound due to diabetes. Hardly what one would consider a threat during a home invasion but they shot him in the face anyway and threaten his wife:

The assailant who was holding the weapon allegedly told the 72-year-old woman, “Keep your head down bitch or I’ll f—— blow your head off too.”

Since we’ve been told time and time again it’s “guns guns guns”, we have to wonder if this particular firearm kisses his sister with that mouth (or is it barrel?).

UPDATE: A third honor student has been charged in the case. Well done CPD.

The Weekend’s Stupidity

As we speculated at the start of the weekend, the unseasonable cool weather was likely to put a damper on the stupidity. It’s no surprise that we ended up with the least violent weekend since mid-March.

Final Stupidity Tally: 3 killed, 16 wounded
vs 2013 Stupidity Tally: 2 killed, 9 wounded.

Friday 9/12
3:00p 900 E 79th St, Chatham, F/24
6:45p Masked gunman in Lincoln Park
11:10p 1700 N Mason Ave, Austin, M/27
Saturday 9/13
1:30a 1700 W 87th St, Auburn Gresham, F/23
1:30a 1700 W 87th St, Auburn Gresham, M/42
1:30a Shots fired by CPD, no one hit
12:40p 5700 S Prairie Ave, Washington Park, M/39
3:00p 3900 S Prairie Ave, Douglas, M/17
5:45p 9200 S Clyde Ave, Calumet Heights, M/18
7:45p 1700 N Kimball Ave, Humboldt Park, M/17
7:45p 1700 N Kimball Ave, Humboldt Park, M/20
10:15p Officer hit by car
10:15p 2300 W Lake St, Near W. Side, M/?
Sunday 9/14
1:00a I90/Fullerton, Logan Square, M/?
2:10a 4100 W Adams St, Garfield Park, M/30
3:00a Dan Ryan/79th St, Grand Crossing, M/24
11:35a 6900 S Eggleston Ave, Englewood, M/17
11:55a 1800 S Hamlin Ave, North Lawndale, M/29
1:50p 4100 W 16th St, North Lawndale, M/28
5:25p 800 S California Ave, Garfield Park, F/37

6:50p 7411 S Dante Ave, South Shore, M/14
Bears win!
Monday Overtime
3:45a 200 W 118th St, West Pullman, M/28

! #ShotInTheAss

Never Forget

9/11It’s hard to believe that this happened 13 years ago today. Shortly afterwards everyone was scrambling to get out of the Loop, including yours truly. Side note: The news of the day in Chicago prior to the above taking place was Michael Jordon’s return to basketball (again). Open post until the weekend stupidity begins.

Ban Machetes!

You may recall a little over a month ago the CTA came out with their own version of #CrimeIsDown of which many people responded with skepticism. After all, when one has to dial an 800 number, navigate voice prompts and then lodge your complaint which may or may not be passed along to the CPD, many think ‘why bother’.

That said, we’re curious to know if this incident will make the stats:

“Seven people have been charged after a man who refused to flash a gang sign was attacked with a machete Monday morning at a Brown Line station in the Northwest Side Albany Park neighborhood.

A group of attackers went up to two men, ages 17 and 26, around 12:35 a.m. Monday at the Kedzie station and told them to flash gang signs, authorities said.

Police say Mario Elvira, 18, then pulled out a “cutting instrument” and struck the 26-year-old in the head, leaving him with cuts to his head and neck. A source said the weapon was a machete.”

Fortunately, there doesn’t look to have been too fine an edge on that machete or else we would have recorded our first hacking homicide.

Even though the honor students were all arrested, it’s clearly the fault of the machete and the only solution is to ban, not only machetes, but also anything sharp, including pencils.

Side note: One wonders what would the outcome have been if the victim CCW’d these jagoffs ignoring the fact that CCW isn’t allowed on the CTA. Better, worse or same?

The Weekend’s Stupidity

The Triple FacepalmStupidity and insanity were all around this weekend with not only 8 killed in Chicago, but at least 3 killed in the suburbs, a massive fire in Roseland killed 4 kids, a rare double stabbing homicide, plus typical “no snitch” bullshit and the Bears lost to a high school team.

Final Stupidity Tally: 10 killed, 21 wounded.
2013 Stupidity Tally: 5 killed, 18 wounded.

Friday 9/5
12:45p 1800 S Loomis St, Lower W. Side, M/20
1:10p 2000 W Jarvis Ave, Rogers Park, M/17
4:40p Drunk chick falls off Wrigley rooftop
5:10p 6200 S Kilpatrick, Clearing, M/24
11:30p 5800 N Mobile Ave, Norwood Park, M/36
11:35p 5800 N Mobile Ave, Norwood Park, M/20

Saturday 9/6
12:30a 3200 W Congress Pkwy, Garfield Park, M/?
2:10a 1900 S Christiana Ave, N. Lawndale, M/32
2:10a 1900 S Christiana Ave, N. Lawndale, M/37 !
2:10a 1900 S Christiana Ave, N. Lawndale, M/35
3:00a 1500 S Lawndale, N. Lawndale, M/64
4:10a 500 N Bishop St, West Town, M/19

8:00a 9700 S Forest Ave, Roseland, M/20
8:00p 400 W 103rd St, Roseland, F/24
9:00p 7300 S Damen Ave, Englewood, M/19
9:00p 7300 S Damen Ave, Englewood, M/22
9:00p 7300 S Damen Ave, Englewood, M/18
9:15p 1400 W Morse Ave, Rogers Park, M/22
10:00p 4500 S Evans Ave, Grand Boulevard, M/23
10:30p 8700 S Sangamon Ave, Auburn Gresham, M/24
10:30p 8700 S Sangamon Ave, Auburn Gresham, M/34
Sunday 9/7
12:30a 3900 W Arthington St, Garfield Park, M/30
12:30a 3900 W Arthington St, Garfield Park, M/50
12:30a 3900 W Arthington St, Garfield Park, F/73
12:30a 3900 W Jackson Blvd, Garfield Park, M/22
2:10a 3 stabbed on the Mag Mile
3:40a 1600 W Cullerton St, Lower W. Side, M/18
3:40a 1600 W Cullerton St, Lower W. Side, M/25
4:00a 4700 N Kedzie Ave, Albany Park, M/?
7:20p 2700 N Moody Ave, Belmont-Cragin, M/30
9:00p 5800 S Michigan Ave, Washington Hghts, M/16
11:45p 6000 S Carpenter St, Englewood, M/23
Monday Overtime
3:25a 1100 N Harding Ave, Humboldt Park, M/54

! #ShotInTheAss

Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen

So long, farewell, au wiedersehenIt’s that time of year when we lovingly look back on the summer that was. From the start of the Memorial Day weekend to the end of the Labor Day weekend we tallied 149 151 homicides and an additional 851 850 persons shot and wounded. In keeping with our “More Lead/Less Dead” theme, homicides were down 16% 14.6% from last summer (yay!) but total persons shot was up 14% (boo!).

Summer 2014 by the numbers:

  • 149 150 151 dead
  • 850 wounded
  • 886 males
  • 115 females
  • 25.6 average age
  • 32 teenagers killed
  • 91.2% of homicides were gunshots
  • Avg 1 shooting every 2hrs, 52min
  • Avg 1 homicide every 16hrs, 25min
  • 17 police involved shootings
  • Team Englewood lead w/ 23 killed

Just as Cubs fans have been saying for the last millennium, “wait ’til next year”.

The Closing Scene

Closing Scene from The Blues BrothersSo here we are, the last weekend of summer. Since the start of the summer, which we say is the Friday (5/23) prior to Memorial Day, we’ve tallied 151 homicides plus another 850 shot & wounded. Last summer we tallied 177 homicides and an additional 715 shot & wounded. Or as we’ve been saying, More Lead/Less Dead.

Also for you keeping score at home, last Labor Day weekend* tallied 12 killed and 27 wounded.

Final Stupidity Tally: 7 killed, 37 wounded.

Friday 8/29
7:05p 9100 S Yates Blvd, Calumet Heights, M/22
7:05p 0 East 101st St, Roseland, M/28 !
8:10p 1800 S Throop St, Lower W. Side, M/19
8:10p 1800 S Throop St, Lower W. Side, M/22
9:00p 4600 W Van Buren St, Austin, M/32
9:00p 10000 S Avenue M, East Side, M/26
10:45p 5400 S Damen Ave, New City, M/36
Saturday 8/30
12:30a 10900 S Racine, Morgan Park, M/34
1:45a 4400 S Archer Ave, Brighton Park, M/32
2:45a 8100 S Muskegon Ave, South Chicago, F/47
5:10a 2600 W 65th St, Chicago Lawn, M/28
3:15p 10000 S Perry Ave, Roseland, M/31
10:50p 1900 N Ridgeway, Logan Square, M/59
11:10p 3700 W 57th St, West Elsdon, M/29
11:40p 5900 S Mozart St Chicago Lawn, M/20
Sunday 8/31
12:50a 6800 S Loomis Bvld, Englewood, M/34
1:35a 1000 N Monitor St Austin, M/20
1:55a 6700 S Ada St, Englewood, F/20
1:55a 6700 S Ada St, Englewood, F/21
2:30a 100 N Wood St, Near W. Side, M/26
3:05a 8800 S Burley Ave, South Chicago, M/20
4:00a 11700 S LaSalle St, West Pullman, F/52
4:00a 11700 S LaSalle St, West Pullman, F/56
5:25a 7800 S Constance Ave, South Shore, M/20
5:35a 4100 W 26th St, Little Village, M/23
6:05a 8000 S Merrill Ave, South Chicago, M/43
4:20p 800 W 95th St, Washington Heights, F/20
5:15p 1300 W Morse Ave, Rogers Park, F/29
5:15p 1300 W Morse Ave, Rogers Park, M/28
8:20p 5752 S Keeler Ave, West Elsdon, M/54
8:45p 7455 N Ridge Blvd, Rogers Park, M/29
8:45p 7455 N Ridge Blvd, Rogers Park, M/29
9:15p 9500 S Oglesby Ave, South Deering, M/51
9:15p 9500 S Oglesby Ave, South Deering, F/27
9:35p 10000 S State St, Roseland, M/24
9:55p 350 W 66th St, Englewood, M/29
Labor Day
1:00a 7900 S Saginaw Ave, South Chicago, M/19
1:05a 6900 S Justine St Englewood, F/15
2:50a 4300 Wt 25th Pl, Little Village, M/17
2:50a 4300 Wt 25th Pl, Little Village, M/22
4:10p 658 E 133rd St, Riverdale, M/19
8:50p 2400 N Lamon Ave, Belmont-Cragin, M/21 !
Tuesday Overtime
12:45a 3300 W Van Buren, Garfield Park, F/19
2:10a 8700 S Escanaba Ave, South Chicago, M/23

! #ShotInTheAss
* Labor Day Weekend runs Fri 12p thru Tues 6a

Jagoff of the Week

Emad KarakrahObviously Chicago has it problems as illustrated by the numerous charts and graphics displayed on this site. Thankfully the one thing we haven’t had to nor hopefully will ever have to illustrate is some terrorism bullshit.

However, early Wednesday, the jagoff shown here thought it would be an excellent idea to drive around with an uber-jagoff, sheep-fucking jihadist ISIS flag and then threaten to blow up his car:

“A man who had an ISIS flag waving from his vehicle is facing several charges after he threatened police with a bomb Wednesday morning when he was pulled over on the Southwest Side.

Emad Karakrah, 49, was charged with felony counts of disorderly conduct and aggravated fleeing; and a misdemeanor count of driving on a never-issued license, according to Chicago Police.

The man told police during his arrest that there was a bomb in the car and he would detonate it if they searched the vehicle, according to the report.

A bomb squad, the FBI and Homeland Security responded to the scene and searched the vehicle, but no bomb was found, authorities said.”

And here we thought the only bat-shit crazy jagoff in town this week was Joe Biden.


The digital ink had barely dried on our previous post about police shootings when the above 10-1 (police emergency) came through the scanner. While the clip has it tense moments, the reason for the 10-1 was unknown to us. 24 hours later, we know what the hubbub was all about:

“A crowd gathered around 7 p.m. Tuesday in the 7900 block of South Avalon Avenue in memory of Desean Pittman, a 17-year-old boy fatally shot by police in Chatham.

The group gathered for the vigil allegedly turned against police when a woman pointed at an officer monitoring the group and yelled, “That’s the rookie mother[fucker] that killed him,” prosecutors said Wednesday.

The crowd began to chant, “Kill the rookie,” as some pelted police with candles and bricks, authorities said. People threw branches, bottles and other debris from the street while yelling “CPDK,” which stands for “Chicago Police Department Killer,” officials said.”

“CPDK” is almost as stupid as “Chiraq”. The article continues on to describe the mayhem that ensued. However, what the article omits is that Desean was plugged while in the process of having a running gun fight with fellow honor student, Amelio Johnson (allegedly of course).

“Two officers turned a corner after hearing gunfire and saw a man [Desean] holding a gun and standing over someone who was on the ground, Camden said.

Amelio Johnson, 22, who had been on the ground nearby also had a gun and had apparently been shot by Pittman standing near him, police said. Johnson was taken Advocate Christ Medical Center in Oak Lawn in critical condition, where he was later pronounced dead, according to officials.”

So let’s review: Honor student 1 is seen by cops murdering honor student 2; Cops shoot and kill honor student 1; Honor student 1’s friends and family (near) riot and attack cops for killing a killer (allegedly of course).

Clip courtesy of @chrissmith.

Police Shootings

The subject of police shootings has been in the news a lot lately because of Ferguson, Mo. If you happened to notice our professionally designed police shooting graphic below, you’ll notice that we have quite a few of them ’round these parts and rarely does anyone say a word. Today, the Tribune has a very lengthy article on the subject:

“If anything was unusual about the shootings of two people by Chicago police last weekend, it was that one of the incidents sparked a protest.

A sudden rainstorm scattered the 80 or so people who gathered Monday on the West Side to protest the fatal shooting of 18-year-old Roshad McIntosh in the Lawndale neighborhood a day earlier. The organized demonstration was rare in a city where police shootings take place with regularity and often prompt hard questions about whether they were justified.”

Unusual indeed. Typically there’s a lot of pissed off people at the scene shortly afterwards, but in nearly all cases life goes on within a couple of hours.

The article continues on with Garry “MIA” McCarthy flogging his favorite blame horse, guns:

“He said the number of times officers have discharged their weapons has been in decline since 2011, which he attributed to officers “exercising firearms control.” And he again blamed such violent incidents on the number of guns on the streets, which puts officers’ lives in peril.

“If those guns are not on the street, we don’t get into those confrontations. We don’t have these incidents,” McCarthy said during a news conference about a narcotics investigation. “If these guys are throwing rocks at each other instead of bullets, we’re in a different place.”

“Guns, guns, guns. That’s the issue,” he added later.”

If some honor student points a pistol at a cop and subsequently gets ventilated by said cop, it’s not the gun’s fault… it’s the honor student’s fault, period.

The Weekend Shitshow

The Triple FacepalmWe’ve had a cool, wet summer thus far, but this weekend we had some classic August weather – warm and muggy. The end result was the most violent weekend since the 4th of July. Sunday saw the most shooting incidents for a single day this year – 28 – and the most homicides in a single day – 8, including 2 police-involved homicides.

Stupidity Tally: 8 killed, 44 wounded.

Friday 8/22
4:40p 5300 S Laflin, New City, M/31
7:30p 4300 W Monroe St, Garfield Park, M/3
9:05p 12400 S Emerald Ave, West Pullman, M/20
9:05p 12400 S Emerald Ave, West Pullman, M/24
9:50p 700 W Garfield Blvd, New City, M/19
10:30p 6400 S Rockwell, Chicago Lawn, M/34
10:55p 4500 S St Lawrence, Grand Boulevard, M/20
Saturday 8/23
12:20a 2500 N Lake Shore Dr, Lincoln Park, M/24
1:20a 100 N Hoyne St, Near W. Side, M/20
2:55a 1600 W Juneway Terr, Rogers Park, M/31
3:15a 9800 S Yates, South Deering, M/26
3:30a 9900 S Torrence, South Deering, M/22
5:45a 10700 S Hoxie St, South Deering, M/18
6:45a 2700 W 24th St, Little Village, M/18
2:20p 3400 W Madison St, Garfield Park, M/21
2:25p 10400 S Avenue N, East Side, M/18
☂☂ Rain Delay ☂☂
7:50p 1200 W 112th St, Morgan Park, M/17
10:05p Mayhem in Uptown (and more)
11:40p 10000 S State St, Roseland, F/32
11:40p 10000 S State St, Roseland, M/32 !
Sunday 8/24
2:00a 5000 W Potomac St, Austin, M/33
2:00a 5000 W Potomac St, Austin, M/35
2:00a 5000 W Potomac St, Austin, M/36
2:35a 8300 S Halsted St, Auburn Gresham, M/33
2:35a 8300 S Halsted St, Auburn Gresham, M/39 !
2:35a 8300 S Halsted St, Auburn Gresham, M/32
2:35a 8300 S Halsted St, Auburn Gresham, M/41
2:45a 800 W 50th Pl, New City, M/40
3:00a 6300 S Hoyne, Englewood, M/56
3:50a 900 W Cullerton, Lower W. Side, M/17
3:50a 900 W Cullerton, Lower W. Side, M/20
6:00a 2200 S Marshall, Little Village, M/17
2:55p 1100 N Leclaire Ave, Austin, M/14
3:20p 5400 S Bishop, New City, M/14
3:20p 5400 S Bishop, New City, M/17
7:10p 800 S California Ave, Garfield Park, M/19
7:15p 5800 S Wabash Ave, Washington Park, F/20
7:15p 5800 S Wabash Ave, Washington Park, M/16 !
8:55p 8000 S Ingleside, Chatham, M/18
8:55p 8000 S Ingleside, Chatham, F/?
8:55p 8000 S Ingleside, Chatham, M/22
8:55p 8000 S Ingleside, Chatham, M/?
9:10p 7900 S Marshfield, Auburn Gresham, M/18
9:10p 7900 S Marshfield, Auburn Gresham, M/21
9:10p 4500 N Clarendon, Uptown, M/23
10:00p 7201 S May St, Englewood, M/16
11:15p 11844 S LaSalle, West Pullman, M/17
Monday Overtime
12:45a 10200 S Perry Ave, West Pullman, M/31
12:45a 10200 S Perry Ave, West Pullman, F/18
12:45a 6600 S State St, Grand Crossing, M/21
12:45a 6600 S State St, Grand Crossing, M/22
2:25a 6621 S Drexel Ave, Woodlawn, M/24

police-involved homicide
! #ShotInTheAss


Since the shooting in Ferguson, MO on Saturday, August 9th and the collective shit-loosing episode that ensued, you may not have realized that six kids have been murdered in Chicago:

In addition to those six, 15 adults have been murdered (including one police-involved) and another 88 people have been shot and wounded. 30 (34%) of the 88 wounded were between the ages of 11-18.

That’s a whole lotta ventilated persons, yet crickets. Or as John Kass over at the Tribune wrote about Antonio Smith’s murder:

“I didn’t see protesters waving their hands in the air for network TV cameras. I didn’t see the Revs. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson playing their usual roles in the political race card game.

I didn’t see white college anarchists hiding behind their white plastic Guy Fawkes masks talking about being oppressed by the state. I didn’t see politicians equivocating.

The screamers and the race hustlers buzzing in Ferguson like flies have it easy: White cop/black victim is a script that sells, and the TV cameras come running.

But in Chicago, young African-American and Latino men and boys and girls are shot down far too regularly, by neighbors, meaning other black and Latinos.”

So in other words, crickets.

Death Investigations

FlameWhen Chicago Magazine published their blockbuster article on how the CPD manipulates the stats, we were not surprised. Case in point within the article was a story of a mother and son who died in an arson fire, yet they were never classified as homicides. At the time, we made note of incident, but 1) didn’t include it in our stats and 2) never heard about it again until the Chicago Mag article was published.

Now last week we’ve witnessed some more fire play with two women found dead within burning cars, on the same day, just miles away from one another:

“A person was found dead in a burning vehicle in Auburn Gresham Friday morning, just hours before a woman was found dead outside of a burning SUV in the same South Side neighborhood. The first body was found about 5 a.m. in a burning vehicle in the 8400 block of South Gilbert, police said.

Less than two miles away, a woman was found dead outside a burning Kia SUV at 7:45 a.m.”

Very suspicious. Were they both driving Ford Pintos that happened to be rear ended?

Unlike the previously mentioned arson case, this time however, we’re not waiting for official word (autopsies for both people were inconclusive) and unfortunately we’ve added both women to our stats.

If it turns out that both women or new Kia SUVs spontaneously combusted, we’ll happily back out both homicides from our official tally.

The Weekend’s Stupidity

Final Stupidity Tally: 6 killed, 31 wounded.

Friday Pre-game
5:00a Woman #1 found in a burning vehicle
7:45a Woman #2 found under burning SUV
8:00a 8402 S Muskegon, South Chicago, M/23

Friday 8/15
1:30p 6900 S Vernon, Grand Crossing, M/26
6:40p 7400 S Greenwood, Grand Crossing, M/21
10:20p 9800 South Ellis, Pullman, M/19 !
10:20p 9800 South Ellis, Pullman, M/32
10:30p 10200 S State St, Roseland, M/22 !
11:35p 3400 S Indiana, Douglas, M/25
Saturday 8/16
12:50a 7200 S Laflin St, Englewood, F/16
12:50a 7200 S Laflin St, Englewood, M/20
1:45a 1600 N Mason, Austin, M/27
1:45a 1600 N Mason, Austin, F/19
3:00a 1600 W Grand Ave, West Town, M/32
11:15a 8800 S Muskegon Ave, South Chicago, M/15
11:25a 9800 Avenue L, East Side, M/33
5:10p 500 N Hamlin Ave, Humboldt Park, M/17
9:00p 3700 S Wabash, Douglas, M/18 !
10:45p 1300 S Avers Ave, North Lawndale, M/13
11:00p 18 hospitalized after pepper spray attack
11:00p 2400 W Adams St, Near W. Side, F/41
11:00p 2400 W Adams St, Near W. Side, F/45
11:10p 5100 S Wabash Ave, Washington Park, M/16
11:45p 2300 N Springfield Ave, Logan Square, M/21
11:45p 2300 N Springfield Ave, Logan Square, M/16

11:45p 2300 N Springfield Ave, Logan Square, M/18
Sunday 8/17
12:50a 6300 S Albany Ave, Chicago Lawn, M/20
1:15a 900 N Karlov Ave, Humboldt Park, M/16
1:50a 8700 S Union Ave, Auburn Gresham, M/24 !
2:00a 7900 S Merrill Ave, South Chicago, M/15
2:00a 7900 S Merrill Ave, South Chicago, M/20
2:00a 7900 S Merrill Ave, South Chicago, M/27
2:00a 7900 S Merrill Ave, South Chicago, M/30
4:35a 2900 N Kimball Ave, Avondale, M/23
10:40a 12200 S Emerald Ave, West Pullman, M/24
4:20p 10400 S Union Ave, Roseland, M/21
4:55p 700 E 50th Pl, Grand Boulevard, M/15
7:45p 7400 S Dante, South Shore, M/23
9:55p 400 W 104th St, Roseland, F/29
9:55p 400 W 104th St, Roseland, F/26
Monday Overtime
1:20a 7100 S Merrill Ave, South Shore, M/29

police-involved shooting
! #ShotInTheAss

Help Wanted

Help Wanted Remember last year when Chicago blew through $100 million in police overtime only to say that we don’t need more cops? Overtime it was argued, allowed for more flexibility – such as pulling cops from the north and northwest sides and placing them in the west and south sides.

In keeping with the ‘don’t need more cops’ theme, the FBI will be in town to help with the #CrimeIsDown facade:

“Sneed has learned that the feds plan to dispatch 65 FBI agents to the streets in high-crime areas on the South and West Sides in an all-out battle against gang crime.

The 65 feds are part of a group of 100 Chicago agents already assigned to curb gang and violent crimes.”

And it’s of no surprise that the CPD isn’t thrilled:

“It’s mind-boggling,” the top police source said. “It’s almost unheard of.”

“I thought the mayor and the police superintendent had said they don’t need more police on the streets,” the source added.

So let’s recap. In leiu of ‘don’t need more cops’, #CrimeIsDown and #ItsNotTheWeather, we have:

  • Millions in overtime
  • 165 FBI agents
  • 40 Illinois State Police troopers
  • 7 ATF agents
  • 150 desk jockeys assigned to the street

All we need is the National Guard and we’ll have YAHTZEE!!!

Excitable Youth

It’s been a while since we’ve had ourselves a good wilding. With the Michigan Ave saturation teams in place over the summer, the chances of one on the Mag Mile is remote. Unless of course it’s the 4th of July, then no amount of cops will stop “kids from being kids”.

In any event, some “excitable youth” took to the streets of Uptown the other night in order to get to know the neighborhood better:

“No one was arrested when police dispersed a large group of teens—what some residents called a “wilding” — Monday night in Uptown.

It started out as a peaceful birthday gathering in the Field House at Chase Park. However, after it ended around 10 p.m. Monday night, the sweet sixteen party quickly soured and the party goers turned into a frightening group of vandals as they stormed down Leland.

Video of the incident was captured by a resident on Leland. It shows some of the teens walking down the middle of the street, but it’s what the video did not capture that has residents in the neighborhood angry.”

Angry? Why would the neighborhood be angry? There were no arrests, so that means there’s no crime. Just another “minor incident”.

UPDATE: Our friends over at CWB have documented another case of excitable youths doing excitable things in Uptown last night.

Minor Incident

tis_but_a_scratchBy now you’ve likely heard that two young honor students caught lead at the annual Bud Billiken Parade. You’ll be thrilled to learn that shootings of this type, hell, just about any shooting, will now be classified as a “minor incident”.

“Bud Billiken Parade organizers on Sunday bemoaned local media focus on the shooting of two teenagers at the event instead of the celebration.

“It’s a shame to waste that time on a minor incident that occurred,” parade organizer Beverly Reed-Scott said at a news conference Sunday afternoon at the corner of 42nd Street and Martin Luther King Drive.”

In most places, any time a teenager get shot, especially near or on school grounds, the usual suspects lose their collective shit, do a lot of hand-wringing and preach to us low-brow, knuckle-dragging hillbillies how it would be best if you gave up your guns (not theirs). After all, it’s for the children, of course.

But that’s not how it works here in Chicago. The 416 teenagers who have been shot (with 65 killed) this year are in most cases classified as “minor incidents”. Unless of course it’s politically exploitable, then we’ll assume that’s what’s called a “major incident” or “a big fuckin’ deal”.

At least Ms. Reed-Scott has a solution: “Asked if she thought the media not covering violence would make a difference, Reed-Scott said: “Absolutely.””

No report, no crime.

The Weekend’s Stupidity

The Triple FacepalmAnd… we’re back! A short August recess has not only successfully recharged the batteries but only left 17 shot in our absence. Once again, we’re ready to start counting the stupid, the idiotic and the ultra moronic exploits of Chicago’s Honor Students.

ICYMI – From now on, shootings will also be known as “minor incidents” when they involve minority males between the ages of 16 and 85. We’ll assume anything outside of that range will be a “major incident”.

Final Stupidity Tally: 1 killed, 28 wounded.

Friday 8/8
5:35p 2800 N Pulaski Rd, Avondale, M/24
9:40p 200 W 118th St, West Pullman, M/16
11:50p 1500 S Christiana, North Lawndale, M/32
Saturday 8/9
5:50a 1400 W 73rd St, Englewood, M/21
5:50a 1400 W 73rd St, Englewood, M/32
6:25a 100 W 117th St, West Pullman, M/16
11:00a 35th St/Green Line, M/22 (Selfie)
12:30p 4200 S King Dr, Grand Boulevard, M/17 !
12:30p 4200 S King Dr, Grand Boulevard, M/18

1:05p 1800 S Wood St, Lower W. Side, F/16
3:10p 5700 S Shields, Englewood, M/23 !
9:30p 500 E 42nd Pl, Grand Boulevard, M/42
Sunday 8/10
12:15a 5500 S Carpenter St, Englewood M/28
12:30a 7100 S Morgan St, Englewood, M/28
1:00a 6300 S Ashland Ave, Englewood, M/20
3:40a 6500 S Maryland Ave, Woodlawn, M/19
4:10a 1200 N Springfield Ave, Humboldt Park, M/17
4:50a 8900 S Oglesby Ave, Calumet Heights, M/24
6:15a 4600 S Paulina, New City, M/16
8:50a 900 N Drake Ave, Humboldt Park, M/20 !
1:50p 7400 N Ridge, Rogers Park, M/20
3:00p 4000 S Indiana Ave, Grand Boulevard, F/17
3:05p 5300 S Aberdeen, New City, M/22
3:35p 12300 S Michigan, West Pullman, M/35
4:35p 6700 S Langley, Woodlawn, M/26 !
4:45p 6700 S Champlain, Woodlawn, M/16
7:00p 8400 S Kilbourn, Ashburn, M/21
8:30p 5913 S Justine, Englewood, M/16
Monday Overtime
2:45a 4124 W North Ave, Humboldt Park, M/28

police-involved shooting
! #ShotInTheAss


Sorry folks, we're taking some time off.Believe it or not, but in the year and a half that we’ve been doing this, we’ve never taken any time off. So, we’re going to take it easy for the next few days and recharge the old batteries. In the meantime, enjoy the following stories:

That’s all folks! We’ll catch y’all later in the week.

shootapaloozaWith Lollapalooza back in town this weekend, it’s time to roll out the Shootapalooza moniker once again (w/ a new logo too). Just like the past few weekends, we’ll display each and every act of stupidity as it’s recorded. Shootapalooza 2013 tallied two (2) dead and another 24 wounded.

Final Shootapalooza tally: 5 killed, 25 wounded.

Friday 8/1
6:05p 600 E 37th Pl, Oakland, F/16
8:10p 13000 S Champlain Ave, Riverdale, M/24 !
8:40p 13200 S Riverdale Ave, Riverdale, M/26
8:40p 13200 S Riverdale Ave, Riverdale, M/29
10:30p 1400 W Elmdale Ave, Edgewater, M/19
11:05p 2944 W Harrison, Garfield Park, M/26
11:30p 2358 S Washtenaw, Little Village, M/16
11:30p 2358 S Washtenaw, Little Village, M/15 !
11:30p 2358 S Washtenaw, Little Village, M/18
11:30p 3900 W North Ave, Humboldt Park, M/28
11:55p 5600 S Seeley Ave, Englewood, M/28
11:55p 5600 S Seeley Ave, Englewood, M/28
Saturday 8/2
12:15a 8502 S Exchange, South Chicago, M/33
1:50a 700 E 83rd St, Chatham, M/32
1:50a 700 E 83rd St, Chatham, M/39
1:50a 700 E 83rd St, Chatham, M/61
1:50a 7900 S Merrill, South Chicago, M/19
7:00a 11400 S Yale Ave, Roseland, M/20
2:45p 6600 S St. Lawrence, Woodlawn, M/22
Sunday 8/3
3:50a 873 N Orleans, Near North Side, M/32
3:50a 873 N Orleans, Near North Side, M/21
6:00a 5700 S Morgan, Englewood, M/32
3:00p 8600 S Colfax Ave, South Chicago, M/27
3:00p 8600 S Colfax Ave, South Chicago, M/32
3:00p 8600 S Colfax Ave, South Chicago, M/33
7:25p 4100 W Jackson Blvd, Garfield Park, M/33
9:00p 1100 W 112th Pl, Morgan Park, M/17
Monday Overtime
12:15a 8600 S Colfax Ave, South Chicago, M/43
1:00a 7700 S Shore Dr, South Shore, M/42
4:30a 7100 S Damen Ave, Englewood, M/22

! #ShotInTheAss

Three Hundred Twenty Two

CarnacIn our short time of Internet existence we’ve never broken the 300 shooting barrier. We suppose there’s a first for everything and now Chicago’s honor students have managed to rack up a stupidly impressive 322 people shot which left 42 dead. Last July tallied 256 people shot which left 47 dead. In other words, “More Lead, Less Dead”.

We’re impressed with Rahm and Garry’s new strategy, “Less Cops, More Docs”. Instead attempting to stop the stupidity, focus on poor shot placement, quick ambulance response times and the ability of our medical professionals to stitch and mend our honor students so that they can get shot again and again. All on the taxpayer’s dime of course.

Prediction-wise, we stated on July 1: For July, were going to stick with the ‘more lead, less dead’ theme and predict 45 (+/- 4) homicides with 250 (+/- 10) shot and wounded. Nailed the homicide part, but missed the wounded part by 30.

For August we’ll go with 50 homicides (+/- 5) and 260 (+/- 10) shot and wounded.

What say you? Maybe we’ll have a contest but we’ll have to check with our legal department first.

PS – Thanks to everyone for making July our most heavily trafficked month yet (+142% YoY). Monday July 7th was our busiest day ever.

Thursday Humor

As we wrap up what will likely be the shittiest month in years in terms of total persons shot, we thought we’d have a little fun before the annual Shootapalooza weekend. Enjoy.

Honor Student of the Week

Todd GrossmanThis week’s honor student hails from the Portage Park neighborhood where he enjoys downing massive amounts of Four Loko, garbage can tossing and has a taste for human flesh. Please meet Todd Grossman:

“An incensed man who had been drinking Four Loko malt liquor bit another man, tearing a “mouthful of flesh” from his arm at a Portage Park block party, prosecutors said.

Todd Grossman, 36, was yelling and throwing garbage cans around in the 4300 block of North Mason Avenue in view of several children when an off-duty police officer and his wife happened to pass by Sunday night, Assistant State’s Attorney Lorraine Scaduto said in court Monday.

When the man identified himself as a Chicago Police officer, Grossman responded, “I don’t give a f— if you are the police,” according to a police report.

Grossman then attacked the officer, hitting, scratching and biting as the cop tried to place him under arrest, according to the report.”

These freely available, mind-altering drugs should be banned immediately. Not only because it’ll stop cannibalistic cop eaters but it’s for the children.

If it saves just one pound of flesh.

The Weekend’s Stupidity

The Triple FacepalmSuccess! Chicago experienced the least amount of weekend lead poisoning since mid-June when the weekend of 6/20-6/22 tallied 30 incidents (6 dead, 24 wounded). However, late into the overtime period, an off duty police officer was shot and in return ventilated the alleged assailant.

Final Weekend Tally: 2 killed, 30 wounded.

Friday Pregame
10:55a 200 N Karlov, Garfield Park, M/15
Friday 7/25
6:00p 735 S California, Garfield Park, M/13
6:00p 735 S California, Garfield Park, M/14
6:00p 735 S California, Garfield Park, M/14
6:00p 735 S California, Garfield Park, M/14
6:00p 735 S California, Garfield Park, M/15
6:00p 735 S California, Garfield Park, M/21
6:00p 735 S California, Garfield Park, M/25
9:15p 1107 W 101st, Washington Heights, M/17
9:45p 7900 S Cregier, South Shore, M/25
10:15p 4400 S Sacramento, Brighton Park, M/3
Saturday 7/26
12:30a 10200 S Michigan Ave, Roseland, M/19
12:55a 3800 S Prairie Ave, Douglas, M/19
1:35a 5600 W Chicago Ave, Austin, M/24
9:55a 6000 S Aberdeen St, Englewood, M/48
12:45p 5200 S Hoyne Ave, New City, M/26
1:30p 1700 W Farwell Ave, Rogers Park, M/24
8:45p 600 S Independence, Garfield Park, M/36
10:00p 13300 S Eberhart, Riverdale, M/15
11:15p 2600 W Augusta Blvd, West Town, M/26
Sunday 7/26
3:50a 5800 S Wolcott Ave, Englewood, M/23
4:??a 100 W Huron, Near North Side, F/?
4:40a 5600 S Emerald St, Englewood, M/?
8:00a 2900 N Milwaukee Ave, Avondale, M/32
12:20p 4000 W Lexington Ave, North Lawndale, M/53
1:45p 6800 S May, Englewood, M/28
4:00p 1900 W 48th St, New City, M/30
4:45p 3600 S Rhodes Ave, Douglas, M/23
7:15p 7521 S Ridgeland, South Shore, M/15
8:45p 2204 E 70th St, South Shore, M/15
Monday Overtime
3:30a 1600 N Marshfield Ave, West Town, M/?
3:30a 1600 N Marshfield Ave, West Town, M/44
3:50a 700 N Clark St, Near North Side, M/27

police-involved shooting

Citizens or Serfs?

Warning Revenue CameraIt’s a simple question, are Chicagoans citizens or serfs? Citizens, where a person’s government and elected officials act in their best interests or serfs, where a person is in a condition of servitude, required to render services to a lord (mayor, whatever).

We’re going to go with serfs as evidenced by the continuing red light/speed camera fiascos.

“Thousands of Chicago drivers have been tagged with $100 red light fines they did not deserve, targeted by robotic cameras during a series of sudden spikes in tickets that city officials say they cannot explain, a Tribune investigation has found.

The Tribune’s analysis of more than 4 million tickets issued since 2007 and a deeper probe of individual cases revealed clear evidence that the deviations in Chicago’s network of 380 cameras were caused by faulty equipment, human tinkering or both.”

Maybe it was a faulty hard drive. Or better yet, a gun, everything is a gun’s fault. Of course the response is more or less a big ol’ fuck off and pay up ya tax donkey.

“Since the Tribune first detailed the problems with the ticket system on Friday morning, the mayor has had six public events on his schedule, but has not taken questions from reporters. At a Friday groundbreaking for a building construction project on Wolf Point downtown, the mayor declined to address the revelations about the ticket anomalies, saying “Today is about the jobs.”

See how easy that is? Now just issue a press release with phrases about “the children”, “safety” and some sort of “action” and we’re done here.

The serfs have been taking it in the caboose for decades and yet continue to vote for the same taking in said caboose time after time. February 2015, will give the serfs an opportunity to choose again, between taking it in the caboose or really taking it in the caboose. Better bring some lube.

Catch and Release

Catch and ReleaseA vast majority of ‘honor students’ who are arrested for shootings and/or homicides have lengthy rap sheets appended to their stellar report cards. Previous infractions range from the minor, like petty theft or pot, all the way up to murder.

Back in August we penned one of our more popular posts of the year. Not because it was so well written but because of the title, “I have a gun in my ass”. The star of the article, Kreepy, was busted for hiding a defaced .22 in his ass. Now fast forward to today and Kreepy has moved on to bigger and better things, like first degree murder.

“Prosecutors described how Marco Alvarado [Kreepy], 21, and another man approached Jacob Klepacz, 32, and his friend in the 1500 block of West Fullerton Avenue on April 28, around 3:55 a.m., after the two had left a Wrigleyville bar.

Alvarado punched Klepacz’s friend and the other attacker punched Klepacz, Assistant State’s Attorney Colleen Rogers said in court.

When both victims fell to the ground, the two punched and stomped the victims before taking their cell phones, money and a drivers’ licenses, according to prosecutors.

Klepacz’s injuries rendered him unconscious and his friend called police. Klepacz, of the 1200 block of North Noble Street, was pronounced dead at 4:21 a.m. that morning at Advocate Illinois Masonic Medical Center.”

Once again, thanks to Cook County’s “Catch & Release” or the ever popular “Hug a Thug” program, another innocent, non-combatant is dead at the hands of a lifelong jagoff.

The Weekend’s Stupidity

The Triple FacepalmBeautiful weather + booze/pot/drugs infused idiocy = second most violent weekend of the year for Chicago. Only the 4th of July shitshow was worse. In the end there were 5 killed and another 45 wounded. The list:

Friday 7/18
2:30p 6800 S Laflin St, Englewood, M/25
3:30p 700 N Ridgeway Ave, Humboldt Park, M/44
3:30p 700 N Ridgeway Ave, Humboldt Park, F/12
3:30p 700 N Ridgeway Ave, Humboldt Park, F/33
5:50p 3900 W Wabansia, Humboldt Park, M/33
6:30p 4900 S Paulina Ave, New City, M/17
9:35p 3900 W Gladys Ave, Garfield Park, F/10
10:30p 11800 S Yale Ave, West Pullman, M/?
10:50p 2000 N Lamon, Belmont-Cragin, M/26
11:05p 7600 S Drexel Ave, Grand Crossing, M/38
11:20p 5400 W Haddon Ave, Austin, M/25
11:30p 4000 W Maypole Ave, Garfield Park, M/22
11:30p 4000 W Maypole Ave, Garfield Park, M/15
11:30p 4000 W Maypole Ave, Garfield Park, M/32
11:30p 1300 N Mason, Austin, M/27
11:30p 1300 N Mason, Austin, M/33
11:30p 1300 N Mason, Austin, M/31
11:30p 1300 N Mason, Austin, M/30
Saturday 7/19
12:10a 547 E 71st St, Grand Crossing, M/24
12:10a 547 E 71st St, Grand Crossing, M/33
12:20a 1249 S Christiana, N Lawndale, M/19
12:45a 7009 S Winchester, Englewood, M/15
3:00a 7200 S Emerald Ave, Englewood, M/35
3:05a 0 N Laramie Ave, Austin, M/30
6:15a 2600 S Avers Ave, Little Village, M/?
6:00p 900 N Massasoit Ave, Austin, M/21
6:00p 900 N Massasoit Ave, Austin, M/26
6:00p 900 N Massasoit Ave, Austin, M/33
6:00p 900 N Massasoit Ave, Austin, M/53
6:00p 900 N Massasoit Ave, Austin, F/43
9:30p 900 W 83rd St, Auburn Gresham, M/17
10:15p 1600 N Kedzie, Humboldt Park, M/26
Sunday 7/20
1:30a 4400 S Prairie Ave, Grand Boulevard, F/50
1:30a 3600 S California Ave, McKinley Park, M/20
2:35a 4500 S Kedzie, Brighton Park, M/24
2:35a 4500 S Kedzie, Brighton Park, M/30
3:05a 5200 W Addison St, Portage Park, M/24
3:05a 5200 W Addison St, Portage Park, F/31
3:10a 5600 W Division St, Austin, M/25
4:50a 2700 S Millard Ave, Little Village, F/14
4:50a 2700 S Millard Ave, Little Village, M/20
5:30a 3200 W Wrightwood Ave, Logan Square, M/19
5:45a 8500 S Burnham Ave, South Chicago, F/23
5:30p 5700 S Michigan, Washington Park, M/16
5:30p 5700 S Michigan, Washington Park, M/21
6:00p Porch violence injures 8
7:25p 4500 S Lamon Ave, Garfield Ridge, M/21
8:10p 4600 S Vincennes, Grand Boulevard. M/20
9:50p 3806 S Indiana Ave, Douglas, M/28
9:50p 3806 S Indiana Ave, Douglas, M/30
1:15a 11100 S Princeton Ave, Roseland, M/42

police-involved shooting

‘Observers of human misery’

comedytragedyLet’s face it, most people don’t give a rat ass if a bunch of minority gangbangers shoot and kill one another. Politicians, reverends and community leader-types only care when the ideal victim (read exploitable) catches lead in the ideal location (read well off suburbs).

One of the reasons we started HeyJackass was to give those interested in Chicago’s murder, crime and mayhem a place to quickly assess the situation with a heavy dollop of sarcasm along with some 5th grade grammar and writing skills.

Our entire data set is not built off of some official government database but is based on the effort of just a handful of reporters. One of those reporters is Peter Nickeas of the Chicago Tribune who penned an excellent, must read commentary:

“I travel to crime scenes; it’s what I do. I fly around the city, from point A to point B, getting better at making sense of what I see.

In a little more than two years while working overnight at the Chicago Tribune, I’ve been to more than 450 scenes. I see cops chasing people, people chasing each other, people fighting each other. I hear gunfire. Sometimes I see it.

As reporters we can use these scenes to explain what’s happening to a neighborhood in a city of neighborhoods. But none of the observations captures how it feels to cover this night after night.

In short, it feels bad. We’re paid observers of human misery.”

While we have funny graphics of people getting shot in the ass, Peter and his reporter brethren spend their evenings telling the stories that otherwise would be a bullet point in a CPD press release. And for that effort, we are extremely grateful even if most people don’t give a rat’s ass.


The Jackasses at HeyJackass

So Few (Bad) Options

ronThe big news yesterday was that Cook County Board President, Toni Preckwinkle, will not challenge Rahm come February:

“Cook County Board President Toni Preckwinkle declared Tuesday that she won’t run for mayor, leaving union and community groups angry over Chicago’s violent crime, school closings and teetering finances searching for a credible candidate to take on Mayor Rahm Emanuel next year.

The decision is a boost to Emanuel’s bid for a second term and ensures he won’t have to square off against a popular, countywide elected official capable of uniting disparate voters from the South and West Sides with lakefront liberals.”

Popular? Tax-spend-and-bankrupt Machine politicians who run unopposed election after election are popular in a “you wanna warm Natural Light?” kind of way. So with Toni out, all eyes are on CTU President Karen Lewis:

“Lewis, long an Emanuel nemesis, lately has toyed with the idea of running. On Tuesday, a CTU spokesman said the union boss was on vacation but would form an exploratory committee to consider a possible run against Emanuel because the city “cannot withstand another four years of error, disrespect and disregard.”

Assuming she cannonballs into the race, those are our choices Chicago. We’re screwed. As Second City Cop so eloquently stated: “So a short, 9.5 fingered, lying, anti-union socialist one-percenter versus a short, loud-mouth, commie, racist. Sounds like another win-win for Chicago.” Go team!

Montrose Beach BrewHaHa

You’ve likely heard and/or have read by now about the alcohol-infused shitshow that went down on Montrose Beach Sunday evening. If you want to get an idea of how bad it was, just listen to what Garry has to say:

Sunday’s violence on the North Side prompted fresh questions about police staffing and crowd control tactics just a week after a bloody Independence Day weekend left left 82 shot, 16 of them fatally, across the city. At a press conference meant to highlight the Police Department’s gun seizures, Superintendent Garry McCarthy grew frustrated as reporters kept questioning him about what went wrong at Montrose Beach.

“I’m trying to tell you all about gun violence here in the city, which is our number one thing,” McCarthy said at the Grand Crossing district station on the South Side. “We had people who died over the weekend, and a disturbance at a park is something that we’ll fix moving forward, no two ways about it. But we have a problem here, and I’d like to bring attention to it.”

In other words, “Hey, you fuckers! Look at that dead body over there!” The underlying situation must pretty shitty if Garry would rather talk about homicides than a near riot at a North Side beach. (Side note: it’s not ‘gun violence’, it’s gang violence.)

We will give the CPD credit for getting the situation under control because this could have easily gotten way out of hand. However, the political stupidity that typically follows such events knows no bounds:

Meanwhile, Ald. James Cappleman, whose 46th Ward includes Montrose Beach, praised Sunday evening’s police response but expressed concern that nearby Chicago Park District parking lots allow large crowds to gather at Montrose Beach more easily than at other lakefront beaches.

“Look at Oak Street Beach. Do you see this many parking spots there? Look at Lincoln Park. There just aren’t this many parking spots in such a concentrated area in other parts of the city,” Cappleman said.

The stupid, it burns! When is that last time anyone in Chicago complained about too many parking spots? Rahm can use it in his next sermon: “Where are the parents? Where is the community? Where is the lack of PARKING!!!”

Weekend Wrap-up

The Triple FacepalmWe tried something a bit different this weekend. We logged each and every shooting and homicide as we record it and it seemed to go over well. All we can say is, 1) Saturday’s rain hit at the perfect time and 2) at least no one was shot in the ass.

Final Weekend Tally: 4 killed, 29 wounded.

Friday 7/11
6:00p, 11500 S Prairie Ave, West Pullman, M/23
6:50p, 2800 W Pershing Rd, Brighton Park, M/28
6:50p, 2800 W Pershing Rd, Brighton Park, M23
7:00p, 900 S Springfield Ave, Garfield Park, M/22
7:35p, 7000 S Damen Ave, Englewood, M/15
8:15p, 5200 W Quincy St, Austin, M/32
8:15p, 5200 W Quincy St, Austin, M
8:15p, 5200 W Quincy St, Austin, F/30
8:15p, 5200 W Quincy St, Austin, F/41
9:55p, 2410 N Austin, Belmont-Cragin, M/15
9:55p, 2410 N Austin, Belmont-Cragin, M/24
9:55p, 2410 N Austin, Belmont-Cragin, M/54
10:40p, 119 W 104th Pl, Roseland, M/21
10:40p, 119 W 104th Pl, Roseland, M/26
11:45p, 2500 W Division St, West Town, M/31
11:45p, 2600 W Evergreen, West Town, M/38

Saturday 7/12
1:15a, 6200 S Rockwell St, Chicago Lawn, M/27
1:15a, 6200 S Rockwell St, Chicago Lawn, F/50
3:55a, 9800 S Hoxie Ave, South Deering, M/22
4:30a, 3300 W Le Moyne, Humboldt Park, M/33
10:00a, 3800 W Fillmore St, N. Lawndale, M/20s
3:20p, 1300 W Devon Ave, West Ridge, M/28
3:20p, 8700 S Escanaba Ave, S. Chicago, M/19
7:00p, 4500 W 58th St, West Elsdon, M/19
☂☂☂☂ Rain Delay ☂☂☂☂

Sunday 7/13
1:15a, 3600 W 15th St, N. Lawndale, M/16
3:10p, 800 W 95th St, Washington Heights, M/29
4:40p, 700 N Hamlin Ave, Humboldt Park, M/39
7:20p, 1500 S Christiana Ave, N Lawndale, F/16
7:20p, 1500 S Christiana Ave, N Lawndale, M/18
8:00p, Montrose Beach Shitshow
9:15p, 2600 S Kevdale, Little Village, M/17

Monday 7/14
12:00a, 2400 W 63rd St, Chicago Lawn, M/16
12:00a, 2400 W 63rd St, Chicago Lawn, M/16
12:45a, 1500 W 72nd St, Englewood, M/?

Honor Student of the Month

Richard MagnanTypically we bestow our “Honor Student of the Week” award on that deserving individual who best illustrates the values of folly, imbecility, inanity, lunacy, idiocy and downright stupidity. However, this time around, we cannot in good conscience limit it to just one week, therefore Richard Magnan will be our “Honor Student of the Month” (and maybe year).

“Richard Magnan, who has numerous face tattoos, including one that reads, “Fuck the world” and a White Sox logo, was friends with Joel Bentley — the man he shot in the early morning hours of July 5, Assistant State’s Attorney Alexandra Molesky said.

Bentley was a member of the 2-6 street gang, Molesky said. Magnan is also a purported member of the same gang.”

Obviously the face tats have probably limited his career choices, but apparently engaging in friendly fire wasn’t one of them. We’d like to suggest his next tat is “JAGOFF” across his forehead.

“Once there [Walgreens], Magnan, of Evergreen Park, went to his truck, grabbed his gun and pointed it to the other two men, Molesky said.

Magnan’s friends told him to put the gun away after he allegedly pulled the slide back and ejected a live round but he refused, Molesky said.

Magnan continued to wave the gun around and held it sideways, Molesky said.

At some point, the gun went off and a bullet struck 30-year-old Bentley in the abdomen, Molesky said.”

Oopsie. Mom always said don’t point a gun at someone unless you intend to shoot them. In any event, it seems that Dick has done this sort of thing before:

“Magnan was previously sentenced to eight years in prison for a 2003 murder.

He also has two convictions for possession of a stolen vehicle and a 2004 weapon conviction from Nevada.”

What an upstanding pillar of the community we have here. We’re confident that the generous taxpayers of Illinois will no doubt be thrilled to be paying for this douchebag’s well being for the next 40 years.

The Windy City

Chicagoland RahmAs everyone knows, Chicago is known as the “Windy City” but not because it’s windy but because of our politicians’ ability to pontificate, sermonize and filibuster.

Case in point was the response to the weekend’s shitshow:

The outbreak of violence over the long Fourth of July weekend – the worst of the year so far – once again drew unflattering national attention to Chicago’s crime woes as police Superintendent Garry McCarthy insisted the department had conditions under relative control until a particularly violent stretch on Sunday night.

“It was yesterday that we lost it,” McCarthy told a crowd of reporters at a West Side police station. “We’re square-rooting nine ways from Sunday what is it that happened. Was it a fatigue factor? Did we give (too many) people (time) off? Because the fireworks were Friday and Saturday. That’s where we had a lot of folks deployed during those time frames.”

We will say this, the police prevent crime as much as a fire department prevents fires. The CPD can only do so much. Days like Sunday happen more than a few times a year and we’ll most certainly see a repeat at some point this summer.

Moving on… after being quiet all weekend, nothing like some worldwide attention to bring out Mayor Press Release:

“Now, a lot of people will say, where were the police? What were the police doing? That’s a fair question, but not the only question,” said Emanuel, standing before more than a dozen cameras on an outdoor basketball court. “Where are the parents? Where is the community? Where are the gun laws? Where are the national leaders, so we don’t have the guns of Cook County, Indiana and downstate Illinois flowing into the city?”

CPD, check; parents, good; community, good… and here we go again with the blaming of gun laws and those lawless regions of Indiana and downstate Illinois. Everything these honor students do when it comes to shooting and killing one another is already illegal. Straw purchases – yep, illegal; background checks – in place for decades; discharging a firearm much less shooting someone – really illegal; murdering another human being – that’s really, really illegal too.

We say stick with the human aspect, the parents, community and most of all the honor students. Passing more laws will do absolutely nothing and they know it. If you think more laws will do the trick, ponder this: from 1982 – 2010, Chicago had a complete and total ban on handguns. In that time period nearly 20,000 people were murdered. We’re confident they weren’t all murdered with fists, knives, bats and clubs.

Shitshow of Shitshows Wrap-up

leprechaunEarlier in the week we made the following prediction: “if it’s like past 4ths, we are going to be guaranteed a massive, gigantic, epic shitshow of shitshows over the long weekend.” A massive, gigantic, epic shitshow of shitshows is exactly what we got.

UPDATE 2: 2 men who were in critical condition have passed. Now 16 have been killed.

UPDATE: Ok boys and girls, we’ve finally gotten it all straightened out. The final tally is 82 – 14 16 killed and another 68 66 shot and wounded.

A breakdown of the 82 incidents shows a clusterfuck and:

  • 14 16 homicides – all shot
  • 68 66 shot & wounded
  • At least 11 in serious/critical condition
  • 71 Males/11 Females
  • 5 police-involved shootings (2 killed)
  • 14 multi-victim incidents
  • 6 shot in the ass
  • CCW permit holder shoots and scores!

For those of you who follow us on Twitter, you may have seen the constant stream of Navy Pier fireworks tweets on Friday night. We said late that night that there would be a 99.99% chance that no major media outlet would cover what we had heard. We were wrong, there was one, just one though:

“With more than 100,000 people at Navy Pier alone and thousands more packing the lakefront to watch the Fourth of July fireworks, it was a busy night for Chicago Police.

Officers responded to calls for everything from fights to people setting off fireworks right along Michigan Avenue.”

Our collective stream of tweets has more characters than this story, but at least someone mentioned it. Nothing like 82 shot to divert attention away from that shitshow.

Epic Shitshow

American Flag in distressChicago hosted its annual 4th of July fireworks show at Navy Pier last night. As usual with these sorts of events, things got ugly fast. “Large groups” of alcohol/pot-infused “citizens” perpetrated mass stupidity including, but not limited too, wildings, fights, batteries, assaults, robberies, thefts, mass shopliftings, property damage and shootings. That was just in the River North/Streeterville neighborhood. Elsewhere around the city, mass moronic mayhem reigned as evidenced by our running shooting tally.

As the weekend proceeds, we’ll continue to add commentary here. Until then, open post.

UPDATE: The Carnival of Idiocy continues with another dozen or so people shot since Saturday afternoon. The CPD has gotten into the act by popping five (5) people this weekend, killing two (2). We’ve also had five (5) shot in the ass.

Happy 4th

Skyline fireworks From the crew here at HeyJackass.com, have yourself a safe a relaxing day. If you happen to live within the city limits, the CPD will do next to nothing about those illegal fireworks. In other words, you’re free to blow your finger off and laugh hysterically until the booze wears off and then it’ll hurt like hell.

For you scanner listeners, you’ll want to tune into Zone 4 this evening. If the city’s fireworks display at Navy Pier is anything like it was last year, our local honor students will make suburbanites feel welcome by stealing their phone and punching them in the face.

PS – Awesome photo lifted from here.

June’s 35

CarnacBack on June 1st, we made our monthly prediction: “For June, we’re going to stick with what worked for May and make the exact same prediction, 46 (+/- 4) homicides with 230 (+/- 10) shot and wounded.” We were juuuust a bit outside on both this time around but for total incidents we were right there, guessed 276-ish vs 283 actual.

June’s homicide count will likely rise over the next few weeks as “death investigations” turn into homicides and life support recipients are removed.

Here’s a look at some June stats:

  • 35 homicides (-24% from 2013)
  • 248 shot & wounded (+10% from 2013)
  • 25 in critical condition
  • 253 Males/30 Females
  • 32 shot, 2 stabbed, 1 auto
  • 5 police-involved shootings
  • 44 multi-victim incidents
  • Team Austin led w/ 5 killed, 38 wounded
  • 24 shot in the ass (+118% from 2013)

For July, were going to stick with the ‘more lead, less dead’ theme and predict 45 (+/- 4) homicides with 250 (+/- 10) shot and wounded.

PS – For the third consecutive month in a row, we’ve had our most trafficked month yet. We tallied a 238% increase in traffic over last June. Thank you!

Weekend Wrap-up

leprechaunThe annual Pride Parade cruised through the North Side on Sunday and along with it came loads of idiocy, stupidity and violence. Not so much with the parade itself, but the after hours bullshit. And for extra credit this year, three people were shot in the area, including one guy at the infamous Belmont El stop.

Our friends over at Crime in Wrigleyville & Boystown have all the details on the day’s events.

Now the obvious question must be asked, if these parade goers are so out-of-control year after year, it makes sense to cancel the whole thing, right? After all, they shut down the South Side Irish Parade for three years due to some douchebags pissing on people’s lawns and meatheads fighting at the local water holes.

We’re going to guess that not a word will be said, just like nothing was said after last year’s near riot on Belmont.

Elsewhere around town, a typical summer weekend resulted in 43 people catching lead from noon on Friday through 6a this Monday morning. So far, just a single individual has died plus another person was stabbed to death during a domestic dispute.

Overall, the week ended up being the deadliest and most violent since the beginning of the month. 11 were killed along with another 54 wounded.

4th of July weekend will be here soon and if it’s like past 4th, we’re are going to be guaranteed a massive, gigantic, epic shitshow of shitshows over the long weekend.

May The Schwartz Be With You

Darth Vader - I am your fatherThe Chicago media had a massive Jawa-induced orgasm after it was announced that mediocre director and producer of ok movies, George Lucas, decided he would take Rahm up on his offer of prime lakefront property for the display of his Star Wars toys and comic book collection. Ben Joravsky at the Chicago Reader says:

“Actually, the mayor has released almost no details about this project. So, at the very least, we might want to hold off on turning cartwheels just because Lucas chose us over San Francisco and Los Angeles.

As near as I can tell, Mayor Emanuel is treating the lakefront as an extension of his backyard, which he’s free to give away to Lucas, the filmmaker. The mayor has said he intends to put the Lucas museum on land now used for parking lots just south of Soldier Field.

To head off any public opposition, he tells us it won’t cost the public a dime.

So shut up and be happy, everybody!

Well, I hate to be the party pooper, but nobody should believe the mayor’s no-money pledge.”

We sure-the-hell don’t. Nothing on a scale this large happens by chance in this town. Someone gets paid, while everyone else takes it in the caboose. Or as John Kass over at the Tribune said:

“But we don’t need to make politicians happy by plopping a museum-of-what-one-guy-thinks-is-cool on the lakefront.

What if the next mayor has a rich friend who thinks the iconic female breast in a tight T-shirt alongside a plate of hot wings is a work of art? Are we going to have a Hooters Museum?”

Yes! The people demand a Hooters Museum now! For the children!!

Honor Student of the Week

Anastasia RhodesFor this week’s Honor Student of the Week, we head to the north side to find a lovely young woman who enjoys getting shitfaced, fighting cops and is an all around mean drunk, please meet Anastasia Rhodes:

“Police were called to the 2400 block of North Lincoln Avenue at about 1 a.m. Thursday for a report of “a woman causing a disturbance with a Chicago Fire Department ambulance,” according to a police report.

When police arrived they found Anastasia Rhodes, 20, “highly intoxicated,” and ordered her to leave, the report states. Instead, Rhodes allegedly jumped on the running board of the ambulance as it was departing with a patient inside.

Rhodes then became belligerent when the police made her get down, screaming in one officer’s face and punching him in the chest without warning, according to the report.”

Whoa, wait a second, she’s only 20? But… but you can’t legally drink until you’re 21. Obviously, these young people can’t be trusted with such volatile organic compounds. These bottled cop battering liquids should be banned outright, not only for the greater good but more importantly, for the children. So what if it’s been tried once before, this time it’ll work.

Weekend Wrap-up

leprechaunWhile a wet and stormy week helped keep the violence down a bit, especially on Wednesday which only saw a single shooting, the weekend devolved into the usual idiocy and rampant stupidity that Chicago is so well known for. In all 30 people were shot from noon on Friday through 6a this Monday morning resulting in the death of six (6).

A breakdown of the 30 incidents shows:

  • All 6 were shot & killed
  • 2 left in critical condition
  • 28 dudes/2 chicks
  • 30.7 y/o average age
  • 7 teenagers
  • 16 neighborhoods
  • 4 multi-victim incidents
  • 2 shot in the ass

As eluded too above, the week of 6/15 was less violent then what is typically expected this time of year with the help of numerous precipitation events (rain). The week ended with 6 killed and 48 wounded, which was one less incident when compared to the week before. One could say that’s progress.

All Show and No Go

Unicorn farting rainbowsAs is always the case with politicians and their numerous minions in the media and elsewhere, the illusion of doing something is just that, an illusion. When the illusion doesn’t translate into reality, the answer is typically another law, ordinance or regulation to further “fix” what wasn’t broken to begin with.

So when it comes to gun shop regulation within the Chicago city limits, at least one Aldercreature gets it:

“I wish it could [make a difference] but, no it won’t. . . . You don’t control guns. We’re not controlling where they come from. All these kids — they get them. You just can’t stop that,” said Ald. Emma Mitts (37th). “You don’t know where they pick them up and who’s getting them to who and when they throw them away, who else gets them. Guns be used over and over again.”

Exactly, but lets pass it anyway because we have to look like we’re doing something and blah, blah, blah, for the children, blah, election coming up, blah, blah.

Tick Tick Tick

Former Mayor Richard M DaleyHardly a day goes by without someone talking about wanting “safe streets”, “good schools”, “affordable housing” or a “hot dog w/ everything (no ketchup, ever)”. Ok, so the last one is us, but the point being is all that stuff requires some sort of funding mechanism.

The issue here in Chicago is that the funding mechanism, i.e. the taxpayer, is about to get taken behind the woodshed:

“Already facing a host of financial worries, Mayor Rahm Emanuel’s administration could be stuck with a nearly $200 million tab as a result of betting heavily on risky interest-rate “swaps” under former Mayor Richard M. Daley.

Chicago has more than $8.3 billion in outstanding bond debt — money it borrowed by selling bonds.

To protect against fluctuating interest rates, the city entered into swap agreements affecting about $3 billion of its debt, records show. Had interest rates risen since those deals were signed, the city would have saved money. Instead, rates have dropped.”

In short, Daley made a bet, lost, and now that marker is about to get called. So while the the citizens of Chicago are going to take this one up the caboose (surrounding suburbs you’re gonna take it too) you know damn well someone connected is going to score and score big.

After all is said and done, Daley still won’t know what he didn’t know.

Father’s Day Weekend

leprechaunA picture perfect Father’s Day weekend calls for a good old-fashioned family BBQ but if you happen to be in certain parts of the South or West sides, it calls for rampant stupidity and violence. 35 people were shot this weekend, resulting in two (2) deaths plus one (1) stabbing. Last weekend we tallied 34 incidents with four (4) killed and an additional 30 shot and wounded.

A breakdown of the 36 incidents shows:

  • 2 were shot & killed, 1 stabbed
  • 6 left in critical condition
  • 33 dudes/3 chicks
  • 24.4 y/o average age
  • 8 teenagers
  • 18 neighborhoods
  • 3 shot in the ass
  • 7 multi-victim incidents
  • ANA pilot shot w/ an air rifle

The week of 6/8 however ended up being the least violent in a while (cool, wet weather helped), assuming one thinks 6 killed and 49 wounded is not-too-violent. The record holder for the year is still the week of 4/20 which saw 12 killed and 72 wounded. The week ahead looks to be hot and humid which is never a good combination come 8pm.

Happy Father’s Day

Darth Vader - I am your fatherHappy Father’s Day to all those dads out there. May your day be somewhat relaxing and may you only have to yell “get off my lawn!” once or twice and not have to resort to a warning shot. Last Father’s Day was a real shitshow, let’s hope this one is a bit more subdued.