Enlightening Commentary

Winter Blast

Posted on December 13, 2016

Typical Chicago WinterOfficer Winter will continue his shift likely saving Rahm from an 800 tally in the red column.

CHICAGO — Wednesday and Thursday may feel as cold as 25 below zero thanks to an early winter blast that’ll make for the coldest December in years.

In addition to the usual injuries associated with gunfire, frigid temps may put gangbangers at risk of frostbite, warned Weatherbug meteorologist James Westerbrook.

“If that 9mm or .40 slug doesn’t get you, it’ll be the cold,” Westerbrook said. “Anybody that’s going to be outdoors looking to shoot someone Wednesday night or Thursday, must bundle up. Ideally, you’ll want to take aim from a heated vehicle or indoors during an overcrowded house party.” Westerbrook further suggests gangbangers wear gloves with the trigger finger missing so as not to further degrade their already horrible aim.

“Friday we’ll see temperatures rise a bit, which will make for better shooting conditions, however with snow in the forecast they may just have to stop killing one another for a few days” Westerbrook said. “There will plenty of time to kill your rival gang member between Christmas and New Years,” when the temperatures are expected to be more seasonal and favorable to violence.

“You rival isn’t going to be jetting off to Disney World or Hawaii during this cold snap,” Westerbrook continued. “Save yourself from frostbite and wait for warmer weather to kill him or saddle him with that colostomy bag for life. Your trigger finger will thank you.”