Enlightening Commentary

Tis But A Scratch

Posted on March 31, 2015

Monty Python Black KnightBy our math, this change means the city just shaved off nearly 1,200 shootings from 2014 alone.

“Mayor Emanuel announced today that he is asking the Chicago Police Department to change the way it counts victims of gun violence. No longer will the CPD count gunshot wounds to a victim’s extremities. Instead, Emanuel is asking the CPD to only count those wounds that are deemed serious or critical to the victim’s health. Typically these would include only gunshot wounds to the torso or head.

“By asking our detectives to not waste time on non-life threatening wounds and knowing that the shooters will never be caught anyway, I’m asking [Chicago Police] Superintendent McCarthy to focus his resources on those that are seriously injured,” Emanuel told reporters at a recent campaign event.

Emanuel is facing a tough runoff election with Jesus “Chuy” Garcia where crime and city finances have been points of debate. Emanuel is touting the change as a cost cutting move that could save the city’s taxpayers millions plus would also serve to cut the crime rate in half.

“I’ve said repeatedly that we’re a city that cares. Therefore, if you want police assistance and top quality medical care, get shot in a place that will leave you seriously wounded. Otherwise, rub some dirt on it and quit your bitching,” Emanuel said.

For his part, Garcia said he’d look into appointing a panel and auditing the city’s crime data set but didn’t provide any additional details.

That’s how you #CrimeIsDown, change the rules.

(April Fools!)

Keep it short and to the point. Name calling and similar stupidity will be deleted. If you insist on writing several paragraphs, start your own blog.

  1. Joe patzer April 1, 2015 at 2:35 am

    ROFL. Ya had me going with through the first paragraph. Happy April Fool’s day to you, too. And I’m not fooling when I say I like your site.

  2. Fr Marquette April 1, 2015 at 6:57 am

    Very Good

  3. Bob Angone April 1, 2015 at 7:46 am

    Is this true.? That’s going to mean no more attempted murders if the Scientists don’t manage to finish the guy off. These people have gotten crazy.

  4. Wolf April 1, 2015 at 8:12 am

    About an hour ago I read the post, muttered to myself about why I am glad I no longer live in Chicago, went and got the morning paper and then it hit me. I started laughing so hard to myself I suspect my neighbor is convinced I am crazy. That was just too funny.

  5. Horvik Horvath April 1, 2015 at 9:04 am

    My…My….We don’t all have 6 armed bodyguards as the mayor either, right????

  6. Krazeeloon April 1, 2015 at 9:28 am

    Yes, this method is 100% successful. If the citizens keep reading about all these honor student shootings in the paper then everyone is going to complain and demand a solution. If we corrupt the media so they no longer report these shootings than the problem will go away. Works every time its tried. Along those lines I kept getting a nagging error on my computer from Norton that says I have a virus and everything I do on the computer is being intercepted and hacked….. so I turned off the anti-virus program and now the problem is solved.

  7. Dragline April 1, 2015 at 11:24 am

    Additionally, should shooting victims attempt to shield themselves with their hands or arms, and should a round or rounds strike said victim in the head after striking said extremities, the shooting shall be classified “self-inflicted”.

    A historical extrapolation of this classification method shows the Russian Imperial Romanov family died in a mass-suicide.

  8. Bob Angone April 1, 2015 at 11:29 am

    Picking on an old man is shameful,but I love it. I just used it at the home and it worked along with the President giving a Pardon to the Uni bomber,and Jeff Fort.

  9. mike pfleger April 1, 2015 at 7:09 pm

    This is crazy…do you know when Emm
    anual said this

  10. Russ Conant April 2, 2015 at 8:09 am

    The Mayor has learned well. …”If the facts belie your position, change the facts.”

  11. haaren2014 April 2, 2015 at 9:07 am

    Classic! Rub some dirt on it. LMAO.

  12. Krazeeloon April 2, 2015 at 9:45 am

    This is OT. Reading this made my eyes roll back into my head, but it also made me realize that now is the time to GTFO of Chicago… before it is too late.

    http://kristiculpepper.tumblr.com/post/114712372952/how-chicago-has-used-financial-engineering-to

  13. Brent Zhorne April 2, 2015 at 11:16 am

    Darn. I was hoping this was real. There are a few people I’d like to drag to Chicago and shoot in the legs.

  14. DMS April 2, 2015 at 11:26 pm

    I see where it’s April Fools, but I don’t know that people are getting the reality along with the irony.
    Just another season of Bullshit.
    Let’s fight for a few more trauma centers and emergency room servants to save the Honor Students so they can do it all over again.
    New Season, I say bigger numbers than ever, and that does not depend on the weather.

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