Enlightening Commentary

Chopped

Posted on April 1, 2016

Map of ChicagoWith crime spiking and finances tanking, the powers that be have decided that it’s time to press the panic button. More like slam the panic button, through the table and embed it into the highly polished oak flooring.

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel will propose a dramatic reduction in the city’s footprint later this month. The move would look to shave not only square mileage from the map but also jettison close to a million residents, many of which are in poorer, crime ridden neighborhoods.

Previews of the radical plan look to reverse the annexation trend of that started not long after Chicago was incorporated in 1837 through the most recent addition of O’Hare Field in 1956. The proposal calls for shrinking the city limits back to its 1850s-1880s era boundaries – Western Ave to the west, Fullerton Ave to the north and Pershing Rd to the south. The townships of Lake View, Jefferson and Norwood Park along with O’Hare Field would also be apart of this “new” Chicago which would include most of the north and northwest sides.

The proposal leaves much of the South and West sides to their own devices to which critics have accused the mayor of simply trying to offload problem neighborhoods.

Others see a power vacuum developing, including 23rd Ward Alderman Michael Zalewski, whose ward includes Midway Airport. Zalewski called “dibs” on not only the airport but also the neighborhoods of Garfield Ridge and Clearing.

“If this is where we’re headed, I owe it to my constituents to lay claim to Midway immediately before that 9 and a half fingered, dictatorial midget decides to reannex the Stevenson and Cicero Ave just to keep Midway as part of his “new'” Chicago,” Zalewski said while aggressively using double finger air quotes.

Zalewski went on to say that he’d hope to name the new town “South Copland” in honor of the police officers that live in his ward. “I think it’s a pretty cool name and those jagoffs in Mt. Greenwood better not getting any ideas. It’s taken. Pricks.”

Pricks indeed.