Enlightening Commentary

Chicago Values Update

Posted on March 31, 2017

Superbad Fake IDPlaying off of the Cook County State’s Attorney’s “Hug-A-Thug” program, the mayor seeks to shore up the gangbanger vote with this foolish idea:

Mayor Rahm Emanuel proposed a Chicago municipal ID card program this week specifically for the benefit of gangbangers and other lowlife criminals. The proposal brought before the City Council is aimed at further placating criminals and politicians who fear a federal crackdown may compromise the city’s values.

While the exact details have yet to be worked out, City Clerk Anna Valencia’s office would review the fraudulent documents provided by criminals used to prove their identities and gang affiliation, but the city would not have permission to keep that information, as was done with Chicago’s now defunct gun registry. The ordinance states “shall not maintain a record of an applicant’s address, IR number, wannabe rapper Youtube channel, Facebook account, stolen car’s license plate or government issued telephone number.”

The mayor’s move came after Attorney General Jeff Sessions threatened to withhold federal money from cities that don’t cooperate with federal law. Emanuel downplayed the move instead saying “the ID will represent Chicago’s values as a crime welcoming city”.

“I’m fulfilling my pledge that we are going to be a city that is open and welcoming to gangbangers, crime and general mayhem,” Emanuel said. “We want our criminal class to feel comfortable while turning their life around and to not worry about arrest or anti-criminal persecution at the hands of so called “law enforcement”,” Emanuel finished with a double air quote gesture.

The ordinance requires all city departments and businesses to accept the card as a valid form of identification as Emanuel seeks to give gangbangers a way to identify themselves while engaged in a criminal acts, visiting the emergency room or lying dead in an alley.

“We’re hopeful that Chicago’s taxpaying victim class will be open to this ID and pledge to offer discounts at museums, sporting events, restaurants, shops and most importantly, hospitals and funeral homes,” Emanuel said.

When asked how much this program may cost, Valencia stated there currently isn’t an estimate however campaign donations, kickbacks, skimming, graft and votes are expected to increase inline with the crime rate. “We’re guessing the taxpayer will get f***ed over as usual,” Valencia chortled “but we [criminals] should come out way ahead.”

F’d over indeed.