“I’m tax exempt!”

Posted on Tuesday, April 15th, 2014

Nahshon SheltonWe’ll assume this guy doesn’t receive a property tax bill if he’s getting this pissed off about the soda (pop) tax:

A man armed with a submachine gun was arrested after he threatened employees at a West Side beauty store claiming “tax exempt” status Saturday, prosecutors and police said.

According to police, customers in the store described an argument between Shelton and store employees over a tax charge of 22 cents on a bottle of pop Shelton had bought.

“I’m going to shoot you in the head three times,” Shelton said as he pulled an Intratec submachine gun out of a Gucci satchel and began yelling death threats in the store, police said. “Right now I’m going to smoke your a–! You’re not listening, I’m killing everyone in here.”

Because this “is my neighborhood, I’m tax exempt!” he told the officers from the back seat of a police vehicle, police said. “Man, you know what, I’ll keep it real. I had to put them in their place.”

First off, an Intratec TEC-22 is hardly a true submachine gun. It’s a cheap, semi-auto, piece of crap that fires .22s, poorly. Second, the only tax exempt individuals around here are the politicians and their cronies via sweetheart deals and no-bid contracts.


Week(end) Wrap-up

Posted on Monday, April 14th, 2014

leprechaunFriday and Saturday turned out to be the most beautiful days of the year, thus far, and hence, the most violent. Last week wound up being the most violent of the year with six (6) killed and another 60 shot & wounded. Yes, 60. The weekend tallied four (4) five (5) homicides and 33 32 wounded. Given the at least 100+ “shots fired” calls that came across the scanner on Friday & Saturday, if these honor students had any sort of training the count would be much, much higher.

A breakdown of the 66 incidents shows:

  • All 7 killed were shot
  • 54 dudes
  • 12 chicks
  • 25yo average age
  • 25 neighborhoods
  • 11 multi-victim incidents
  • 1 police-involved
  • 5 shot in the ass

As we all know by now, #ItsNotTheWeather or the assholes pulling the trigger, it’s guns. Guns are the reason damn it!!!

Chicago Police Department spokesman Adam Collins declined to comment on whether the weekend’s temperatures — Saturday reached 80 degrees, the city’s warmest day so far this year — contributed to the number of shootings, though criminologists have said that weather does play a role in violent crime.

“While the city continues to see reductions in crime and violence, there’s obviously much more to be done, and we continue to be challenged by lax state and federal gun laws,” Collins said, reiterating a position that police Superintendent Garry McCarthy has expressed when discussing the department’s crime-fighting efforts.

Damn middle aged white dudes with their FOID cards and their CCW permits shooting up the city while our most precious honor students attempt to make their way to choir practice. Damn you!


Working For The Weekend

Posted on Saturday, April 12th, 2014

UPDATE: A perfect Saturday resulted in a perfect shitshow with 18 shot, leaving another two (2) dead and 16 wounded, bringing the weekend’s total to four (4) dead and 31 wounded. Maybe today’s forecast of heavy rains will calm things down a bit.


A perfect spring evening results in 16 shot, leaving two (2) dead and 14 wounded. Instead of running up the score by shooting up a party like was done last weekend, this Friday’s tally was done the old fashioned way through hard work and perseverance.

“Two people were killed and at least 14 others were wounded in shootings across the city since Friday afternoon.

A 37-year-old man was shot to death in the South Shore Avenue Friday night, police said. The man was shot multiple times in the 2800 block of East 76th Street at 9:26 p.m., and he was dead at the scene, police said.

Earlier Friday afternoon, a 19-year-old woman was killed and two men were wounded in a shooting in the Woodlawn neighborhood on the South Side. The shooting happened about 3:30 p.m. in the 6400 block of South Eberhart Avenue, police said.”

CPD math will say there were 11 shootings since they count incidents, not people shot. The one number we do agree on is zero, as in “No one is in custody for any of the shootings as area detectives investigate.”

Finally, this week’s extra credit goes to the lamppost wrapping, post-shooting, police-chased, infant in the back seat honor student who has now assumed room temperature.


The Bombshell Article

Posted on Monday, April 7th, 2014

no_bullshitWhen we penned our What A Bunch of Shit post towards the end of last year, we knew at the time that we were spitting in the wind. After all, what chance does a blog featuring a pictogram getting shot in the ass have against the City, the CPD and their media lackeys?

Chicago Magazine has published, in our opinion, the article of the year. In short, all we can say is ‘holy shit…wtf’:

“Chicago conducted a 12-month examination of the Chicago Police Department’s crime statistics going back several years, poring through public and internal police records and interviewing crime victims, criminologists, and police sources of various ranks. We identified 10 people, including Groves, who were beaten, burned, suffocated, or shot to death in 2013 and whose cases were reclassified as death investigations, downgraded to more minor crimes, or even closed as noncriminal incidents—all for illogical or, at best, unclear reasons.

This troubling practice goes far beyond murders, documents and interviews reveal. Chicago found dozens of other crimes, including serious felonies such as robberies, burglaries, and assaults, that were misclassified, downgraded to wrist-slap offenses, or made to vanish altogether.”

We knew it… we knew it… we fucking knew it. Please read the whole thing.


Week(end) Wrap-up

Posted on Monday, April 7th, 2014

leprechaunSome nice early spring weather got some shit a poppin’, especially starting late Friday and into Saturday morning. In all, last week ended up being the most violent of the year thus far with five (5) killed and another 37 shot & wounded. The weekend accounted for two (2) of the homicides and 25 of the wounded.

A breakdown of the 42 incidents shows:

  • All 5 killed were shot
  • 33 dudes
  • 9 chicks
  • 25yo average age
  • 20 neighborhoods
  • 4 multi-victim incidents
  • 4 shot in the ass

Comparing to recent past weeks:

  • Week of 3/13: 6 dead, 23 wounded
  • Week of 3/20: 9 dead, 26 wounded
  • Week of 3/27: 4 dead, 30 wounded

Most concerning of all is the 33% jump with persons shot-in-the-ass when compared to last April. We’re not even a week into the month and we’re looking at summer-like shot-in-the-ass totals for April. Won’t anyone think of the children!

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Party On! (Update)

Posted on Saturday, April 5th, 2014

wayne-and-garthUPDATE: Through Sunday morning, we’ve tallied a total of 23 shot: 2 killed, 21 wounded. Saturday ended up recording the most people shot, 17, in one day so far this year.

Another Friday evening and we have another 14 shot, leaving one (1) dead and 13 wounded. Six (6) were shot up at a party that certainly sounds like it was planned in advance as opposed to the usual ‘spray and pray’:

“A pair of gunmen shot six people, one fatally, at a West Side party early Saturday morning — one opened fire toward a back porch from an alley while someone else opened fire from the front door as partygoers tried to run inside.

The first to open fire at the party, in an apartment at the corner of Wilcox Street and Kostner Avenue in the West Garfield Park neighborhood, was an unknown gunman from the alley. People running back into the apartment building from the back porch about 1:10 a.m. were confronted by a man at the front door who also opened fire, Chicago Police Department News Affairs Officer Ron Gaines said.”

Friday’s extra credit consisted of three (3) shot in the ass which ties all of last April’s shot-in-the-ass count. The rest of the weekend looks pleasant from a weather perspective, although it’ll likely be the opposite from a shitshow perspective.

Comments are off for this post.

March’s 26 (Update: 27)

Posted on Wednesday, April 2nd, 2014

CarnacIf it’s the beginning of the month it must mean it’s time for McBeerNuts to trot out some misleading stats in an attempt to prove that #CrimeIsReallyReallyDown all while completely ignoring one of the worst winters on record.

Bottom line is that both February and March of this year far outpaced last year despite the shitty weather. For the entire quarter, we’re down a whole 6 homicides or two a month. Given the number of people in critical condition over the past 3 months, a few pulled plugs will more than make up the difference. That said, use our metrics to make your own informed decision.

Anyway, here are some March stats:

  • 26 27 homicides (+37% +42% from 2013)
  • 104 shot & wounded
  • 6 in critical condition
  • 111 Males/20 Females
  • 16 shot, 3 stabbed, 4 beaten, 4 other
  • 5 police-involved (1 killed)
  • 14 multi-victim incidents
  • Team Englewood led w/ 2 killed, 13 wounded
  • 5 shot in the ass

Finally, on March 1, we predicted March will “tally 28 (+/-3) homicides with 95 (+/-10) shot and wounded.” Not bad. For April, we’re going to go with 35 (+/- 4) with 130 (+/- 10) shot and wounded.

Comments are off for this post.

Tape Delay

Posted on Tuesday, April 1st, 2014

police_lineEveryone is familiar with the yellow and red crime scene tape that surrounds crime scenes all over the country. Now comes word that Rahm wants to change when crime scene tape is used in an effort save money.

“Mayor Rahm Emanuel said during a radio appearance this morning that he doesn’t see the need to waste crime scene tape on single homicides.

“I don’t think it’s realistic given the city’s current financial health to be using valuable crime scene tape for a single homicide,” Emanuel told Eddie and BloJo on B96 this morning.

“From the TV shows I’ve seen,” Emanuel said, “those big season cliffhangers always involve double or triple murders, as such, it would make sense to only worry about those.”

He went on to say that crime scene tape should only be used for double or triple homicides and stressed that the potential cost savings from such a move could top $5 million per year.”

Wow, $5 million. Impressive. We’ll assume most of savings will come from the elimination the Taping Interaction Technical Specialists (TITS) position. Which is too bad, because everyone loves the TITS.

Comments are off for this post.

Quick! To The FauxOutrageMobile!

Posted on Sunday, March 30th, 2014

Mass shooting hysteria!A local honor student was gunned down by police yesterday on his way home from violin lessons:

“A 20-year-old man who allegedly pointed a gun at a police officer was fatally shot by a police Saturday morning after a foot chase on the South Side, officials said.

Raason Shaw, of the 7800 block of South Merrill Avenue, pointed a .40-caliber handgun at an officer who was running after him in the 6200 block of South Rhodes Avenue in the Woodlawn neighborhood, officials said.

According to a statement issued by police, a Glock semi-automatic handgun with a laser sight and extended high-capacity magazine was recovered at the scene.”

No doubt this is not a pleasant incident for either the officer or the family of the recently deceased. The faux outrage on the other hand is, well, outrageous:

“The incident drew a crowd of more than 100 into the street after the shooting, some of whom said they were friends or relatives of the man who was shot. Many were yelling and some fought. One man tore down yellow police tape. At least three were taken away in handcuffs.”

Think about the juxtaposition for a minute. Cop shoots dealer, all hell breaks loose. Dealer and friends pollute the neighborhood with drugs and maim and kill with reckless abandon, crickets.

Comments are off for this post.

Spring Is In The Air

Posted on Saturday, March 29th, 2014

springEven though the weather on Friday was pretty lousy, the local honor students still managed to put up solid a Thug Competency score of one (1) killed and another 14 wounded. For extra credit, they seriously wounded a FedEx driver:

“A FedEx courier was one of two people shot Friday evening in the Oakland neighborhood on the South Side.

A woman, whom FedEx confirmed was an employee, was shot twice in the leg near 41st and Drexel Boulevard and taken to Northwestern Hospital in serious condition, police said.

A 19-year-old man, shot in the left arm, also was transported to Northwestern in serious condition.

Residents of the area said the shootings were likely due to gang violence. Officials said they believe the courier was not the intended target of the shootings.”

Sunday’s forecast is the most spring-like we’ve had in months which could mean summer-like violence as the puffy coats are exchanged for light hoodies.

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Next Stop, O’Haaaaaagggh!

Posted on Tuesday, March 25th, 2014

UPDATE: The original video was taken down. Here’s a back up, plus CBS2 has some commentary around it.

H/T: Crime In Wrigleyville & Boystown

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Week(end) Wrap-up

Posted on Monday, March 24th, 2014

leprechaunJust days after McBeerNuts proclaimed “it’s not the weather, it’s a trend”, the warmest temps since November got some shit a poppin’, especially on Friday. Last week ended up being the deadliest of the year thus far with nine (9) killed and another 26 shot & wounded. The weekend accounted for two (2) of the homicides and 19 of the wounded.

A breakdown of the 35 incidents shows:

  • Killed: 2 shot, 3 stabbed, 4 others
  • 29 dudes
  • 6 chicks
  • 28yo average age
  • 10 teenagers
  • 19 neighborhoods
  • 2 police-involved
  • 2 standoffs

Comparing to recent past weeks:

  • Week of 2/23: 7 dead, 14 wounded
  • Week of 3/2: 3 dead, 12 wounded
  • Week of 3/9: 5 dead, 24 wounded

Just as this February bested last February, this March is now ahead of last March’s 19 homicides. We have a feeling that the hashtag #ItsNotTheWeather will become this year’s #CrimeIsDown.

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“It’s not the weather”

Posted on Wednesday, March 19th, 2014

no_bullshitThe StreetLight Assassin held a press conference today for the trained seals to talk about how #CrimeIsDown:

“Chicago Police Supt. Garry McCarthy said Tuesday that the city’s strategy to reduce gang violence is “clearly taking root,” pointing to a major decrease in gang-related shootings.

Those types of shootings have fallen sharply over the early months of this year compared with the same period of 2013, according to the department.

They now represent less than half of the total number of shooting incidents in Chicago.”

There’s no doubt that shootings, homicides and crime in general is down quite a bit so far this year. We’d love to give the CPD full credit if it wasn’t for one minor factor: weather. Really f*cking cold and snowy weather. As in the 3rd coldest and snowiest on record weather. Like it received its own Twitter hashtag weather.

Like all good political hacks, Streetlight continues with “It’s not an accident, it’s not the weather — it’s a trend….”

We often wonder what the crime would be like if, all else being the same, we had Los Angeles or San Diego weather?


Don’t Tase Me Bro(leycorn)

Posted on Tuesday, March 18th, 2014

man-tasedWhat would St. Patrick’s Saturday be without some sort of extreme jagoffness at the city’s biggest and most popular douchebag bar?

“The West Ridge man who was Tased by police officers at the John Barleycorn in Lakeview early Sunday morning while celebrating St. Patrick’s Day has been charged with two felonies: resisting arrest and aggravated battery to a peace officer.

John Acosta, 21, of the 6200 block of North Maplewood Avenue, was at the North Clark Street bar around 1 a.m. on March 16 when he attempted to stop a police officer from arresting another man on battery charges, according to the police report.

The police officer, who was part of a St. Patrick’s Day Clark Street detail, pushed Acosta back and ordered him to stay back, according to the police report, but Acosta continued to charge at him and try to pull away the other man. He also punched the officer in the arm and body several times, according to the police report.”

By 1am, the amount of liquid courage in this asshole’s blood stream was likely somewhere between “hold my beer and watch this” and “I’m going to fuck with a cop.” Apparently it was the later.

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Well, That Was Fun! When’s the Next Standoff?

Posted on Monday, March 17th, 2014

LSD StandoffWe started yesterday listening for some possible South Side Irish Parade mayhem, but instead ended up standing out in the cold just west of LSD watching a barricade situation unfold.

“Police late Sunday took into custody a Chicago-area man wanted in connection with his wife’s killing in Georgia after police pursued his car from suburban Harvey to North Lake Shore Drive, where the car crashed and a standoff paralyzed the busy roadway.

Harvey police located the vehicle, which fled from officers about 12:27 p.m., beginning a chase on highways and interstates in the south suburbs and on the South Side of Chicago. Eventually the vehicle ended up on South Lake Shore Drive, and then North Lake Shore, where it crashed a little before 1 p.m. near Fullerton Parkway. The dark-colored car came to rest in the grass just to the east of the northbound lanes there and police were seen surrounding it with guns drawn, pointing at the vehicle.

Multiple witnesses said police fired on the suspect vehicle after a crash about 1 p.m. involving the car being pursued and a confrontation with police.”

We’d like to add that we have the scanner audio of the CPD saying that shots were fired.

PS – It was fun, yet freezing, to be apart of this. If only the pics were better, the tweets were more frequent and the ol’ iPhone didn’t crap out after a couple of hours.

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It’s That Special Day v2.0

Posted on Sunday, March 16th, 2014

southside_irishThe North Side did not disappoint yesterday. Despite the chill in the air and a wee bit of snow, our esteemed revelers managed to get really wasted, fight with one another and a few ended up in jail. Visit our friends over at Crime In Wrigleyville & Boystown to get the complete (nervous) breakdown of the day’s festivities.

While the North Side scraps the frozen vomit off the sidewalks, down on the South Side it’s their turn with the annual South Side Irish Parade, Fight Club and Vomit Extravaganza. Expect more of the same only possibly a little less so with temps only hitting the mid-20s.

If you care to tune in, listen online to CPD District 022, scanner frequency 460.0250 or on your favorite mobile app. Enjoy.

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It’s That Special Day!

Posted on Saturday, March 15th, 2014

Drunk girl The Saturday before St. Patrick’s Day is always a special time of the year in Chicago. It’s when young suburbanites who claim to live in the city yet still have their car registered to their parents Naperville address flood the streets of Wrigleyville, Lakeview, Lincoln Park, Old Town, etc… and proceed to make total and complete fools of themselves.

The side benefit to all this idiocy is that it makes for one of the better nights to listen to the scanner. If you’re not too busy throwing up on Clark Street or attempting to pick a fight with a police horse, tune on in.

Unfortunately, Wrigleyville’s mayhem isn’t available online, you’ll need a scanner (460.0500) or any number of mobile apps (CPD District 019), but River North’s and Old Town’s mayhem will be available online and on those very same apps (CPD District 018) as well for all to enjoy.

Come Sunday, send us your best drunken photos and we’ll post them to our forthcoming gallery section. Anonymity guaranteed.

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For The Children Follow-up

Posted on Wednesday, March 12th, 2014

Warning Revenue Camera Back in October we penned a post about the ridiculous idea behind the revenue, er, speed cameras and how they’re not “for the children” as was suggested but just another money grab. Now comes word that from a revenue perspective these things are a total bust.

“Mayor Rahm Emanuel is counting on speed cameras installed around Chicago schools and parks to bankroll $70 million worth of children’s programs this year.

But he’ll have a tough time getting there, thanks to motorists hitting the brakes, winter driving conditions that forced them to slow down or a combination of the two.

The 92 speed cameras installed near 43 schools and parks have generated just $3.7 million in fines, and only $1.5 million of that has been collected.

That would blow a hole in the city’s 2014 budget at a time when cash-strapped Chicago can least afford it. City Hall has already plowed through a $20.5 million snow removal budget that was supposed to cover this winter and the start of next.”

No word on how many kids have been saved or created. Or is it created or saved? Ask Rahm, he should know the order of that saying.

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Upstanding Citizen of the Month

Posted on Tuesday, March 11th, 2014

brains_mugshot We’re not even halfway through March and we’ve already settled on an “Upstanding Citizen of the Month”. Ol’ Jimmy here was the alleged trigger man from Sunday’s CPD officer shooting.

The Tribune says:

“A Calumet Heights man has been charged with trying to kill a Chicago police officer injured when a bullet fragment struck him in the head as officers served a search warrant at the man’s home, authorities said.

James Garland, 53, faces charges of attempted murder and aggravated battery with a firearm in the incident in which the tactical officer was hit between the eyes around 8:45 p.m. Sunday inside a home in the 2700 block of east 92nd Street after a bullet ricocheted off a piece of wood, police said.

It was no immediately known whether Garland was the target of the original warrant.”

What the article fails to mention is that Jimmy is a regular extra in the Walking Dead and was also seen in the 1990′s remake of Night of the Living Dead and the more recent Dawn of the Dead.


CPD Officer Shot

Posted on Monday, March 10th, 2014

Tribune says: “A Chicago police officer was released from the hospital this morning, hours after a bullet fragment struck him in the head as officers served a search warrant in the South Chicago neighborhood, authorities said.

The tactical officer was hit between the eyes around 8:45 p.m. Sunday when someone opened fire inside a home in the 2700 block of east 92nd Street and the bullet ricocheted off a piece of wood, police said.

Chicago Police Superintendent Garry McCarthy, speaking at Northwestern, said a fragment of the bullet lodged in his forehead. “He’s a little dazed. He got hit pretty hard in the head, but his spirits are good,” McCarthy said.”

Obviously this could have been a lot worse but thankfully shitty accuracy prevails once again. Speedy recovery.

Above video by @SPOTNEWSonIG and @chrissmith, please follow.

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It’s Mass Shooting Hysteria Time

Posted on Sunday, March 9th, 2014

Mass shooting hysteria!This one will most assuredly make the national news with Rahm and Garry pleading for stricter gun laws, for the children of course. After all, five (5) young men and a woman were shot up at a house party.

“A gunman opened fire on a home in the South Austin neighborhood this morning after an argument at a party, wounding six people, according to police.

Police believe the shooter left the home after a dispute with another person, returned with a gun and shot into the home, Alfaro said.

Bullets struck six people, none of them older than 22.”

Oh wait… this took place in Austin and the wrong types of individuals were shot. Never mind.

As we’ve learned over the past couple of years, the ones shot here don’t make for ideal victims to be paraded and exploited by politicians. Plus the shooter isn’t likely to be a middle-aged white male with a CCW permit and some anti-government views. As such, this one, like all similar shootings will be quickly forgotten and ignored.

Move along people, nothing to see here.


Keep Me Safe Plastic Sign

Posted on Tuesday, March 4th, 2014

no_berettas The following has to be one of the stupidest, non-stories so far this year, especially as it pertains to the new concealed carry law.

“At homes listed for sale this spring, a prospective buyer may notice the manicured lawn, the pot of flowers by the walkway, and possibly the state’s official “no guns” sign posted by the front door.

Realty firms, like other businesses, are grappling with how to handle the state’s new concealed carry law. But in an industry whose very foundation involves strangers sitting in agents’ cars and offices and walking through private homes, devising guidelines is proving difficult.

[T]he Illinois Association of Realtors unveiled a consent form…, if realty firms and agents choose to use it, allows homeowners to specify whether they would allow a potential buyer with a concealed firearm inside their property.”

Really? Did you know that this is a huge issue elsewhere in the country? Of course you didn’t, because it’s not.

“The Realtors’ group found no examples of real estate groups in other states taking such steps, but the task force also concluded that concealed carry was not the hot-button issue in other states that it has been in Illinois, the last state to allow concealed carry of guns.”

And not to be outdone by that statement, comes the feel good idiocy of the entire piece:

“If someone was coming in to do bad deeds, they could care less if the concealed carry sign was there or not. If it’s a comfort level for agents and homeowners, I would say put the sign out.”

And that’s what decades of the “everyone gets a trophy” mentality gets you, comfort from a sign.


February’s 22

Posted on Sunday, March 2nd, 2014

CarnacIt’s that time of month again when Garry and pals trot out some misleading stats to convince everyone that everything is going swimmingly.

“Chicago finished February with 20 murders — tied for the fourth lowest total for the month since 1957, police said.”

1957? Why stop there? Why not go back to 1857 when there were likely a lot fewer, if any? The point is no one gives a shit about 1957, instead what should be of concern is the +57% increase in homicides year-over-year for a February that had some really shitty weather (3rd coldest & snowiest). Or how about the eight (8) homicides since Friday?

Anyway, here are some February stats:

  • 22 homicides
  • 54 shot & wounded
  • 5 in critical condition
  • 63 Males/9 Females
  • 18 shot, 2 stabbed, 1 straggled, 1 abused
  • 6 police-involved (2 killed)
  • 10 multi-victim incidents
  • Team Austin led w/ 3 killed, 7 wounded
  • Only 2 shot in the ass

For March, we’ll likely build on February’s success and tally 28 (+/-3) homicides with 95 (+/-10) shot and wounded.


“It’ll Be Like The Wild West”

Posted on Saturday, March 1st, 2014

Finally: Illinois’ first concealed carry gun licenses — about 5,000 of them — are being printed and mailed today, Illinois State Police officials said in a morning press conference.

Elitists have told us for years that we can expect Wild West-style shootouts for parking spots at the Walmart since that’s always what happens when untrained, mouth breathing, knuckle dragging Neanderthals are allowed to carry boomsticks.

Only the Wild West wasn’t that violent (only in the movies) and neither are CCW permit holders.

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Shit Rolls Down Hill

Posted on Wednesday, February 26th, 2014

This past Saturday, a woman was attacked with bleach a few blocks from the Mayoral Palace:

“Bleach was thrown in a woman’s face during an attempted robbery three blocks from Mayor Rahm Emanuel’s house in Ravenswood Saturday, police said.

The woman, 22, was walking in the 4400 block of North Paulina Street about 3:20 p.m. when she was confronted by a man and woman… The woman tried to take the victim’s purse, and then “threw some sort of caustic substance” at her…”

It goes without saying that is not a pleasant way to spend a Saturday afternoon. Yet what follows adds insult to a literal injury:

“The delayed police response to an attack in Ravenswood on Saturday had residents swarming the Internet with angry comments about too few officers being assigned to North Side neighborhoods.”

Swarm! Swarm! So who f’d up and caused the delayed response? Why the lowest and easiest to person to blame of course – the dispatcher. Not only do our friends over at CWB say this is bullshit, we have it on good authority that not only was it NOT the dispatcher’s fault, but the entire district was in RAP (short for ‘there ain’t no cops bitches!’).

So now the dispatcher will take the fall in order to paper over the fact that large swathes of the North Side simply do not have enough cops, save for the battalion stationed around Rahm’s house. Of course, this is going to happen again and again as summer comes along and more resources are shifted to the South and West sides.

With any luck this cold weather will stick around until October.

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Alderman Gone Wild! (Sort Of)

Posted on Tuesday, February 25th, 2014

UPDATE: It’s no surprise that the original raw video was taken down. We’ve replaced it with this Sun-Times video instead.

“What happened one night under the same roof as the 28th Ward alderman’s office did not stay in the 28th Ward.

Ervin had to spend much of Monday trying to explain away two minutes and 23 seconds that were captured at his November 2012 bachelor party and surfaced on Facebook over the weekend.”

What for? Who really cares if the guy attends a bachelor party with strippers.

What should be of more concern to the good people of the 28th ward is the rampant crime and violence found in Austin and Garfield Park which consistently ranks as some of the most violent neighborhoods in the city.

Maybe the Alderman can host more stripper parties and bill them as “after school programs”. We’d bet that would keep the kids off the streets.

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Misplaced Priorities 2.0

Posted on Thursday, February 20th, 2014

Back in November we posted a story about how a few individuals had gotten their panties in a bunch over some signage. Apparently, the same sets of panties have been re-bunched a bit tighter this time:

“A gas station with no signs has some residents upset and feeling disrespected by an owner they say does not care about the community.

“If this station was anywhere else but Englewood, it would have a sign up,” said Leslie Snow, 31, an Englewood resident. “I get so tired of these businesses opening up in black neighborhoods providing poor customer service and thinking they can treat us any type of way.”"

And the reason for this affront to all of humanity?

“We are in the middle of changing the business name. That’s why there is no name outside. But there will be signage up next week,” Alrub said. “This used to be a Marathon station but, since we are changing the name, Marathon removed their name.”

Clearly this man is lying. There is no name change in place but a diabolical plan to disrespect thousands of unsuspecting Englewood residents.


Parade on Hold

Posted on Tuesday, February 18th, 2014

ticker tape parade Take the 5th snowiest winter, ever, add in one of the coldest winters ever and it’s no surprise that the violence has been subdued. Of course that will not stop the usual #CrimeIsDown proclamations as if weather has nothing to do with it.

“The official Chicago police tally of shootings last weekend was a rare number: zero.

The streak started after a 41-year-old man was shot at 8:20 p.m. Friday in the Austin community and was still going as of midday Monday, according to a police spokesman.

That streak nearly came to an end late Sunday when a crime victim pulled out a gun while reportedly trying to defend himself during an attempted robbery on the West Side, but he ended up wounding himself in the foot, authorities said. Police typically don’t count self-inflicted gunshot victims as part of their official shooting tally.”

We count selfies. However, the official streak did end this AM when a 17yo was shot in Lakeview of all places. We suspect this one will be reclassified as an accidental since he happened to get in the way of the bullet, accidentally.

UPDATE: Those warmer temps sure helped get the lead flying with five shot yesterday included a police chase and shooting.


103rd Street Update

Posted on Sunday, February 16th, 2014

721_E_103rd_1 Recall this past Monday when an off-duty Cook County Sheriff assisted a 16 year old punk achieve Citgo gas station pavement temperature. As one was chilling, the other two fled faster than Rahm from a group of protesters. When the whole incident is caught on tape, it’s no surprise that the CPD was able to collar the other two honor students in short order:

“Emannuel Jackson, 15, is charged with first-degree murder and armed robbery. Accompanied by his parents, the teen turned himself in at Area South headquarters at 11 p.m. Friday, according to a police report.

A second suspect, 17-year-old Devante Graham, surrendered to police on Feb. 12 and is also charged with first-degree murder and armed robbery. Bail for Graham was set at $1 million.”

But wait, there’s more! If you turn yourself in within the next 10 minutes, you can add to your already lengthly rap sheet:

“Authorities said Mackey [the deceased] had 16 arrests on a rap sheet that went back to April 2008 when he was 10 years old.

His most recent arrest was last month after Chicago police say he robbed a woman of her cell phone on December 16, not far from the Citgo station, authorities said. That was his only robbery arrest.

Graham also has a long juvenile record of arrests for aggravated battery and criminal damage, prosecutors said.”

10? WTF?

Above photo by @SPOTNEWSonIG, please follow.

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“Massacre 7 of Moran Gang”

Posted on Thursday, February 13th, 2014

Bodies From St. Valentine's Day MassacreThat was The Chicago Daily News headline for February 15th, 1929, the day after the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre. This Valentine’s Day marks the 85th anniversary of the event.

Fast forward to today and we’ve already had 10 homicides this month, which is three more than the massacre tallied. Last year we saw the equivalent of 64 St. Valentine’s Day Massacres but we doubt any of those homicides will become part of Chicago lore quite like the original.

Two other notable parallels to the present day are 1) no one was ever convicted for the crime and 2) the code of silence was alive and well back then too. Frank Gusenberg, who was the only one of the seven to survive the attack, told the cops “nobody shot me”. He died three hours later from 14 bullet wounds. Today he’d be labeled as being ‘uncooperative’.


Honor Student of the Week

Posted on Wednesday, February 12th, 2014

Kenneth BardlettThis week’s honor student hails from suburban Bellwood. He enjoys gangbanging, doing time in both prison and bootcamp and amassing a various collection of career-killing face tattoos. Please meet Kenneth Bardlett:

“A parolee on a weapons conviction was ordered held in lieu of $2.5 million bail Wednesday in the January slaying of a convenience store clerk in Bensenville, but prosecutors say the gunman in the killing is still at large.”

Yep, another reformed parolee staying out of trouble by helping out at the local youth center. If said youth center was a convenience store and helping out included killing the clerk.

As is typically the case in Cook County, the violent jagoffs are in and out of prison faster than Chicago can plow the side streets.

“Bardlett served a boot camp sentence on a weapons charge in Cook County, prosecutors said. State Department of Corrections records show he served time in state prison in connection with a 2011 conviction for being a gang member in possession of a firearm, and was released on parole in July 2012.”

His forthcoming life sentence will give Kenny a whole lot of time to design and implement additional face tattoos.

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Self Defense Conundrum

Posted on Tuesday, February 11th, 2014

Cook county sheriff homicide from 103rd street What happens when three honor students attempt to alleviate an off-duty sheriff of his personal belongings? One gets shot in the head and the other two hightail it back to choir practice.

“The sergeant stopped on his way home at a Citgo station on 103rd Street and Cottage Grove Avenue across the street from Gately stadium and was approached by as many as three men, a law enforcement source said, citing preliminary information.

Police News Affairs Officer Hector Alfaro said the robbers had demanded the sergeant’s wallet. But when the sergeant complied, the armed robber pointed his gun in the sergeant’s direction. In response, the sergeant shot the robber in the head, said Alfaro, citing preliminary information.

In a statement, Cook County Sheriff’s office spokesman Benjamin Breit said it appears the sergeant was the intended victim of a crime and shot someone while acting in self-defense.”

Well done sergeant. However, it’s ironic that the sheriff’s boss will now have to explain how when one of his men defends his life and property it’s good and justified all while telling millions of Cook County residences it’s bad and not needed. An interesting conundrum for Mr. Dart.

Update: NBC5 Chicago has the surveillance video.

PS – We’re in the process of building out a crime scene photo section with the help of some photog friends. Above photo by @SPOTNEWSonIG, please follow.


Some Late Night Humor

Posted on Saturday, February 8th, 2014

Man Moving To New City Never Took Time To Truly Loathe Surroundings

“Sure, I could go on and on about the noxious cloud of piss and stale vomit that hangs over Wrigleyville, or the faux edginess of Wicker Park, but there are so many other horrible neighborhoods I never got the chance to hate. I guess I always thought there’d be time to appreciate how awful they are.”

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When Honor Students Attack!

Posted on Thursday, February 6th, 2014

Update: YouTube took down the video, but we were able to post it locally, although it’s kind of shitty.

The above video took place this evening (2/6) at the McDonald’s at 5153 W. Chicago Ave in the Austin neighborhood. Fast forward to 2:10 if you want to skip the nakedness and go right to the beat down.



Posted on Thursday, February 6th, 2014

rahmNo, that wasn’t the score of the Superbowl (although it’s close), that was the vote tallied for Rahm’s new $1.9 billion borrowing plan. Oh, and there was no debate either.

“Mayor Rahm Emanuel convinced all but a handful of aldermen Wednesday to allow him to borrow $900 million with no debate and without saying how much of the money would be spent.

The 43-4 vote gives the Emanuel administration the power to issue $900 million in new bonds and to double the city’s short-term credit line to $1 billion.”

We understand that the city is screwed financially. The arithmetic can be ignored, but it’s never wrong and it never lies. That said, can someone please enlighten us as to the point of a City Council if shit like this is passed without even a second of debate?

As for the four who voted against it, Arena, Fioretti, Reilly and Waguespack, we suppose they deserve a polite golf clap for an otherwise symbolic yet futile gesture.

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Clout or No Clout

Posted on Wednesday, February 5th, 2014

daleyYesterday, Special Prosecutor Dan Webb released his much anticipated report on the Koschman/Vanecko case. If you’re not familiar with this case, the short of it is Mayor Daley’s drunk nephew sucker punched and killed David Koschman and for 10 years nothing happened until the Sun-Times brought the case up a few years back.

According to this Sun-times article, after the release a friendly press release stated:

“…The special prosecutor has concluded there was no evidence that former Mayor Daley, his family or others at their direction engaged in conduct to influence or attempted to influence, the investigations which [Chicago Police Department] or [Cook County state’s attorney office] conducted in connection with the Koschman matter.”

Of course not because in Chicago no one needs to say anything, you just know what to do and how to do it.

The same article ends with, “Destroyed files, evidence that was not documented, interviews not done — in the city of Chicago, you don’t need a phone call…”

Yeah, no shit.


Weather Has Nothing To Do With It

Posted on Friday, January 31st, 2014

An infamous Chicago police chief is fond of saying “weather has nothing to do with it”. That is of course the case until it does has something to do with it.

This January has been for the history books in terms of snowfall and temperatures. We’ve had 48.6″ of snow so far this winter (and more coming) whereas last winter up to this point we had a whopping 3.5″. Despite the snow and cold, 24 people have still managed to find themselves assuming (a very cold) room temperature.

We’ve noticed two things when it comes to weather:

  1. Extreme temperatures have an effect. Sub-zero and 90+ temps tend to put the breaks on stupidity.
  2. Extreme precipitation events do more to stop the stupid than anything else, including $100 million in overtime. A foot of snow or inch of rain is an almost guarantee for no homicides.

So on Feb 3, when said police chief touts the massive drop in homicides from the year before, keep in mind that we’re two-for-two on the extreme weather events this month. February doesn’t look to be much better.


Jane, You Ignorant Slut

Posted on Tuesday, January 28th, 2014

no_berettas Some of you may recall that line from the heyday of SNL. We feel that it’s appropriate here as well, only it’s Michelle now, not Jane.

“Ald. Michele Smith (43rd) encouraged all businesses in her Lincoln Park ward to go “gun-free,” according to a newsletter issued from her office Monday.”

Yes, please make yourself a target by posting the “No Berettas” sign.

“”Even though there have been rare gun incidents in our ward, I strongly believe we will all feel safer if the police are the armed legal personnel in our ward,” Smith said in the newsletter.”

Said one who has the right to carry already. For those not in the know, Aldercreatures have long had the right to concealed carry whereas as you, the commoner, did not until recently.

What also needs to be pointed out here is that CPD District 19, which Lincoln Park is apart of, has lost a lot of cops in the past couple or years. So many in fact that many overnight calls go unanswered for hours.

No matter, at least we can all ‘feel’ safe because feeling is believing!

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Happy Anniversary to Us

Posted on Friday, January 24th, 2014

Over the past dozen years or so, we’ve had numerous stupid ideas for a stupid domain name none of which came to fruition. Finally in 2012, during the Chick-fil-A kerfuffle and while Chicago was making national headlines for its body count we settled on an idea, a dashboard based on the “Chicago values” of murder, crime and mayhem. That idea came to life one year ago this January 25th.

We’d like to thank everyone who has visited, commented, emailed, followed, linked and liked and helped us make this twisted idea a minor success.

In celebration of tallying 450+ homicides, 2,000+ shootings and commenting on dozens of topics, usually poorly, we’re happy to announce that we’ve had some sweet-ass t-shirts printed up. Donations of $25 or more will receive one of these aforementioned high quality, sweet-ass shirts emblazoned with a stunning, silkscreened, soon-to-be classic Safe Passage assault pictogram on the front along with our stupid name and logo on the back. As a bonus, you can choose your shirt color as long as it’s black.



A Bit Slow

Posted on Wednesday, January 22nd, 2014

Much like that annoying neighbor who never shovels his walk, we too have been slow to provide our usual witty commentary this month. We are however coming up on an anniversary and we’ll be finally be rolling out some merchandise. So stay tuned and in the meantime, if you have a question or comment use this post as an open thread.

Stay warm,

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Concealed-Carry Update

Posted on Thursday, January 16th, 2014

mullet “See… see… we told you so!!! Only downstate, ass backwards, inbreeding, toothless hicks want to carry guns!!” That’s the feeling we get from the following article anyway:

“In small towns Downstate, murders may happen once every 50 to 100 years, if that frequently, and the worst crimes might be a meth lab getting busted or someone driving away from a gasoline pump without paying.

Yet, these extremely low-crime pockets of the state are precisely where people appear to be lining up the fastest to apply for state permits to carry concealed handguns, according to a Chicago Sun-Times analysis of concealed-carry applications submitted so far to the Illinois State Police.”

Maybe it’s because these individuals come from a pro-gun culture and recognize their right and are not as likely to depend on others to bail their shit out. Of course the statists chime in with the “no one wants it anyway” schtick:

“But in Cook County, when we did polling, people don’t want concealed-carry,” she said. “The majority of voters weren’t in support of it. It goes to what we knew all along. It’s not on the top of the list. They don’t think carrying a gun will make them safer.”

Curious as to who the polled… Rahm, Garry and the Lakefront Liberal scene? Also, you know what else won’t make you safe? A shrinking, overworked police force that may not get around to responding to your 911 call for an hour. And finally, no one is making you carry a weapon unlike those of you who have denied those of us who have wanted to for decades.


Please hold…

Posted on Monday, January 13th, 2014

“Your call is very important to us. If you need immediate assistance, yell or something.”

Nearly a year ago, the CPD announced they would no longer respond to those pesky quality of life 911 calls. Instead you’re asked to tweet your issue from your now stolen iPhone. Now comes word that more changes are afoot in an effort to save money.

“Fire communications officers at Chicago’s 911 center have been shifted from rotating to fixed shifts to speed response times and reduce $9.2 million in annual overtime, despite warnings of employee burnout that could trigger dispatch “mistakes.”"

We’re all for saving money, but trimming a bit from the $9.2 million is nothing when the police overtime budget has quadrupled to over $100 million. Why not just hire more? Oh wait…

“Mayor Rahm Emanuel’s first budget initially called for eliminating the jobs of 17 fire dispatchers, laying off nine others and shrinking the supervisory ranks from 13 to 8. After union negotiations, the mayor ended up eliminating ten dispatcher vacancies, demoting three supervisors and one dispatcher and laying off one call taker.

The jobs of 45 police dispatchers were also eliminated. So were four of 22 radio repair technicians.”

It’s well known that the city’s 911 center (& police force) has been understaffed for years, yet it’s unclear to us why there’s a need to understaff it even more.


Flip to ’14 (Complete)

Posted on Thursday, January 9th, 2014

UPDATE: The switch has been made. If you’re looking for 2013 try the nav or if you’re lazy you can try here.

This January has been the opposite of last January. Last year at this point we had already tallied 18 homicides whereas this year we’ve only seen four. Of course weather has nothing to do with it so we’ll have to look elsewhere for reasons why.

With the slow start and 2013 still being top of mind, we’ve been hesitant to flip over to 2014 stats. Now that we’re at a point where we have enough data, within the next few days we’ll be moving the 2013 stats off the homepage to make room for 2014.

You’ll likely notice a few tweaks to how things are displayed, but don’t worry, the Shot-In-The-Ass-O-Meter will stay as is.

Thanks again for all your support.


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Your Move Rahm

Posted on Tuesday, January 7th, 2014

rahmA few years ago, one could have easily argued that Chicago was the gun control capital of the US. Nowadays, not so much as the hits just keep on coming:

“A federal judge on Monday stripped away a key element of Chicago’s gun ordinance, ruling that it is unconstitutional to prohibit licensed gun stores from operating in the city.

U.S. District Judge Edmond Chang found that the city failed to convince him that banning the sale of guns by licensed dealers was necessary to reduce gun violence.

The ruling also would make it legal for individuals to transfer ownership of a firearm as a gift or through a private sale as long as the recipient was at least 18 and had a firearm owner’s identification card.”

Won’t anyone think of the children!?! Although, we expect the City Council to quickly craft and pass some new inane ordinances to that will prevent a gun shop within 5 miles of a school or within 50 miles of Rahm’s house (who enjoys a pristine, plowed street).

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Mayor Rahm Bilandic

Posted on Sunday, January 5th, 2014

Chicago Mayor Michael Bilandic Those of you who are 40+ likely remember the blizzard of 1979 and then Mayor Michael Bilandic’s response to said blizzard. There’s a news clip somewhere that shows the Mayor when asked why the city’s response to the snow had been so slow, he responded with “What snow?”. The press at the time hammered him (rightfully so) to the point where just 6 weeks later Bilandic lost to Jane Byrne in the Democratic mayoral primary.

Today, Chicago is experiencing a similar weather event but instead of a “what snow?”, we have a mayor who was enjoying a tropical vacation and wasn’t heard from in weeks. Now we don’t begrudge the mayor for taking a vacation. We’d prefer to see one of the more permanent sort, but our beef is with the local media. Not a fucking peep about the optics of a vacationing mayor vs side streets that haven’t been touched in nearly a week.

Maybe we’re just getting used to less services in exchange for those ever increasing property taxes, fees and fines.

All hail #PaxRahmana!