Rain Delay Weekend

Posted on Friday, April 24th, 2015

Rain delayA wet, fall-like weekend is on tap for Chicagoland. Therefore, we’re not expecting the same level of stupid that usually populates the weekends this time of year. We’re going to take it easy this weekend and leave you all with an open post and a little contest:

Guess the final April tallies (homicides & wounded) and the closest without going over wins some stickers. Price is Right rules apply.


Uber Shooter

Posted on Tuesday, April 21st, 2015

Uber logoSince Illinois’ concealed carry law went into effect last March, around 4.5 million Illinois residents have been killed or critically wounded during shootouts in Wal-mart parking lots statewide. Adding to the body count was an Uber driver who should have done the right thing and called the police while sheltering in place, cowering in fear.

“Authorities say no charges will be filed against an Uber driver who shot and wounded a gunman who opened fire on a crowd of people in Logan Square over the weekend.

The driver had a concealed-carry permit and acted in the defense of himself and others, Assistant State’s Attorney Barry Quinn said in court Sunday.

A group of people had been walking in front of the driver around 11:50 p.m. Friday in the 2900 block of North Milwaukee Avenue when Everardo Custodio, 22, began firing into the crowd, Quinn said.

The driver pulled out a handgun and fired six shots at Custodio, hitting him several times, according to court records. Responding officers found Custodio lying on the ground, bleeding, Quinn said.”

Nice shooting. According to our notes, this is only the 2nd shooting where a CCW permit holder has connected. The other 3,000+ didn’t require such paperwork and hoop-jumping.


Springtime for Stupid

Posted on Saturday, April 18th, 2015

3 StoogesThis weekend last year was Easter Weekend and in celebration the honor students ventilated one another to the tune of 10 killed and another 36 shot and wounded. With no holiday to celebrate this year, they’ll have to make due with just your average stupidity.

Final Stupidity Tally: 6 killed, 31 wounded
2014’s weekend tally: 10 killed, 36 wounded

Friday Pre-game
6:00a 100 W 71st St, Grand Crossing, M/24
9:30a 7454 S Perry Ave, Grand Crossing, M/24
11:55a 6400 S Eberhart Ave, Woodlawn, M/19
Friday 4/17
4:20p 518 W 104th St, Roseland, M/27
4:30p 5400 S Laflin St, New City, M/30
5:50p 400 W 118th St, West Pullman, M/18
5:50p 400 W 118th St, West Pullman, M/19
9:00p 9300 S Eggleston, Washington Heights, M/22
9:00p 9300 S Eggleston, Washington Heights, M/24
9:00p 9300 S Eggleston, Washington Heights, M/23
9:45p 1000 W Congress Pkwy, Near W. Side, M/33
10:10p 800 N Lamon Ave, Austin, M/16 !
10:10p 7400 S Merrill Ave, South Shore, M/18 (story)
10:50p 1100 N Springfield, Humboldt Park, M/35
10:50p 1100 N Springfield Ave, Humboldt Park, M/36
11:50p 2900 N Milwaukee Ave, Avondale, M/22 (story)
Saturday 4/18
12:45a 1500 S Central Park Ave, N Lawndale, M/28
1:05a 2640 W Chicago, West Town, M/50
1:30a 3900 W Addison St, Irving Park, M/39
4:20a 1200 N Homan, Humboldt Park, M/40 !
6:35a 3200 W Le Moyne, Humboldt Park, M/25
3:45p 1500 N Massasoit Ave, Austin, M/24
Sunday 4/19
12:35a 100 W 127th St, West Pullman, M/21 !
5:20a 2300 S Washtenaw, Little Village, M/43
6:35a 5000 W Diversey, Belmont Cragin, F/34
6:35a 5000 W Diversey, Belmont Cragin, M/?
1:00p 200 W 59th St, Englewood, M/20
1:50p 900 N Karlov, Humboldt Park, M/18
1:50p 900 N Karlov, Humboldt Park, M/21
1:50p 900 N Karlov, Humboldt Park, M/18 !
1:55p 900 N Trumbull, Humboldt Park, M/16
1:55p 900 N Trumbull, Humboldt Park, M/16 !
3:05p 7900 S Wood, Auburn Gresham, M/23
3:05p 7900 S Wood, Auburn Gresham, F/23
3:05p 7900 S Wood, Auburn Gresham, M/29
7:35p 4700 W Van Buren St, Austin, M/32 !
8:45p 8141 S Muskegon, South Chicago, M/26
Monday Overtime
12:30a 5400 S Ellis, Hyde Park, F/22
12:30a 5400 S Ellis, Hyde Park, M/24
12:30a 5400 S Ellis, Hyde Park, M/35

police involved
! #ShotInTheAss
Weekend = 12p Friday – 6a Monday


Millions Here, Millions There

Posted on Tuesday, April 14th, 2015

$100 dollar billsIt seems like there’s been quite a few news stories of late about city taxpayers paying millions here (Burge) and a quarter million there (Koschman) for the stupidity of others. However, the story of the police shooting of Laquan McDonald from last October is most peculiar.

There’s been no trial, no lawsuit, no discovery, no depositions, yet city taxpayers are offering up $5 million to make it go away and make it go away now. Why? Video exists:

“The city does not want you to see video of the shooting of Laquan McDonald.

Attorney Jeffrey Neslund is barred from releasing the dash-cam video he obtained from the city under conditions of a $5 million settlement expected to be approved Wednesday by the Chicago City Council.”

Click-through and read a description of what’s on the video. It would appear that our betters have decided that $5 million is a small price to pay to keep the peace.

What say you?


Comments are off for this post.

Springtime Stupidity

Posted on Saturday, April 11th, 2015

3 StoogesThis time last year, the weather finally started to turn and the lead started to fly en masse. While 37 shot did seem unlikely, we did topped 500 shot and tallied our 100th homicide on the year.

Final Stupidity Tally: 3 killed, 26 wounded
2014’s weekend tally: 5 killed, 32 wounded

Friday 4/10
3:00p 1900 W 69th St, Englewood, M/24
7:25p 7400 S Peoria Ave, Englewood, M/28
10:35p 11300 S Green St, Morgan Park, M/39
Saturday 4/11
1:30a 4600 W 82nd St, Ashburn, M/?
2:30a 2100 S Wabash Ave, Near South Side, M/27
4:50a 800 N Mozart St, West Town, M/31
4:50a 800 N Mozart St, West Town, M/33
7:00p 1800 Blue Island Ave, Lower W Side, M/33
7:00p 100 E 117th St, West Pullman, M/20
8:40p 400 E 72nd St, Grand Crossing, M/22
11:00p 1400 E Hyde Park Blvd, Kenwood, M/19
Sunday 4/12
12:10a 4200 S Kedzie, Brighton Park, M/22
12:25a 11200 S Wentworth Ave, Roseland, F/30
12:30a 7700 S Kedzie Ave, Ashburn, M/30
2:30a I-290/Independence Blvd, Garfield Park
2:35a 3300 S Lituanica Ave, Bridgeport, M/30
2:40a 5500 W Gladys Ave Austin, M/21 !
2:40a 5500 W Gladys Ave Austin, M/22
3:05a 5500 S State St, Washington Park, M/51
3:15a 8700 S State St, Chatham, M/34
5:00a 5200 S Winchester Ave, New City, M/43
12:40p 8500 S Stony Island Ave, Avalon Park, M/20
2:00p 3600 N Oleander Ave, Dunning, F/35
4:20p 6100 S Ellis Ave, Woodlawn, M/32
6:35p 4500 N Magnolia Ave, Uptown, M/30
9:15p 7100 S State St, Grand Crossing, M/29
Monday Overtime
1:05a 11900 S Prairie Ave, West Pullman, M/22
2:20a 12500 S Yale Ave, West Pullman, M/17 !
2:20a 12500 S Yale Ave, West Pullman, M/22

! #ShotInTheAss


Rahm 2.0

Posted on Tuesday, April 7th, 2015

darth-vader-faceExcept in the case of one movie franchise, sequels are rarely better than the originals. When it comes to second terms, they typically blow and blow hard.


Go Vote

Posted on Tuesday, April 7th, 2015

runoffYeah the choices suck, but we’re pretty much screwed either way.


Comments are off for this post.

Hole(y) Weekend Stupidity

Posted on Saturday, April 4th, 2015

dead easter bunnyLast year’s Easter weekend (April 18-20) was a total bloodbath. This year we’re two weeks earlier and the weather won’t be quite as nice, but that won’t stop the honor students from adding to their unpaid hospital tabs.

Final Stupidity Tally: 3 killed, 19 wounded
2014’s weekend tally: 2 killed, 25 wounded

Friday Pre-game
11:30a 5800 S King Dr, Washington Park, M/21 (video was yanked)

Friday 4/3
1:20p 5100 S Prairie Ave, Washington Park, M/20
2:00p 7000 S Normal Ave, Englewood, M/18
4:00p 5100 S Maplewood Ave, Gage Park, M/23
4:40p 3200 W 60th St, Chicago Lawn, M/22
4:40p 3200 W 60th St, Chicago Lawn, M/24
5:15p 10300 S Wallace, Roseland, M/13
6:00p 5100 S Champlain, Grand Boulevard, M/17 !
6:15p 400 E 71st St, Grand Crossing, M/19
Saturday 4/4
12:15p 6500 S Marshfield Ave, Englewood, M/16
12:30p 11400 S Church St, Morgan Park, M/25
4:15p 7800 W Seeley Ave, Auburn Gresham, M/42
4:15p 6100 S Rockwell St, Chicago Lawn, M/34 (story)
8:20p 10000 S Bensley Ave, South Deering, M/17
9:45p 611 N Sawyer Ave, Humboldt Park, M/15
Easter Sunday
2:20a 6000 S Laflin St, Englewood, M/31
2:50a 300 N Latrobe Ave, Austin, M/19 !
4:55a 4600 W Diversey Ave, Belmont Cragin, M/25
11:40a 4200 W Cermak Rd, North Lawndale M/25
1:50p 1400 W 88th St, Auburn Gresham, F/17
3:30p 6800 S Hoyne Ave, Englewood, M/22 !
4:50p 6100 S Rockwell St, Chicago Lawn, M/16
11:15p 7000 S Vincennes Ave, Grand Crossing, M/29

! #ShotInTheAss


1st Quarter Wrap-up

Posted on Thursday, April 2nd, 2015

CarnacAround this time last year, we were treated to declarations, proclamations and damn near a ticker tape parade in praise of the lowest [choose your crime] rate since some Potawatomi honor students left a wagon up on cannonballs at Fort Dearborn.

This year, despite a very cold February, the parade has been postponed until further notice. We’re running a bit hot and the weather is only going to get hotter:

  • 85 homicides (+16% yoy)
  • 359 shot & wounded (+49% yoy)
  • 431 total shot (+46% yoy)

Last April kicked off the stupid season with 37 homicides and another 232 shot and wounded. Given the current pace of stupidity coming out of Q1, we’re predicting 40 (+/- 3) homicides and 225 (+/- 10) shot and wounded for April. No foolin’.


Tis But A Scratch

Posted on Tuesday, March 31st, 2015

Monty Python Black KnightBy our math, this change means the city just shaved off nearly 1,200 shootings from 2014 alone.

“Mayor Emanuel announced today that he is asking the Chicago Police Department to change the way it counts victims of gun violence. No longer will the CPD count gunshot wounds to a victim’s extremities. Instead, Emanuel is asking the CPD to only count those wounds that are deemed serious or critical to the victim’s health. Typically these would include only gunshot wounds to the torso or head.

“By asking our detectives to not waste time on non-life threatening wounds and knowing that the shooters will never be caught anyway, I’m asking [Chicago Police] Superintendent McCarthy to focus his resources on those that are seriously injured,” Emanuel told reporters at a recent campaign event.

Emanuel is facing a tough runoff election with Jesus “Chuy” Garcia where crime and city finances have been points of debate. Emanuel is touting the change as a cost cutting move that could save the city’s taxpayers millions plus would also serve to cut the crime rate in half.

“I’ve said repeatedly that we’re a city that cares. Therefore, if you want police assistance and top quality medical care, get shot in a place that will leave you seriously wounded. Otherwise, rub some dirt on it and quit your bitching,” Emanuel said.

For his part, Garcia said he’d look into appointing a panel and auditing the city’s crime data set but didn’t provide any additional details.

That’s how you #CrimeIsDown, change the rules.

(April Fools!)


The Weekend’s Stupidity

Posted on Saturday, March 28th, 2015

The Triple FacepalmIt’s March’s final weekend and we’ve already exceeded last March’s homicide (27) and shooting (104) tallies. There will be no #CrimeIsDown sermons come April 1st, especially since 1) G-Math has been MIA and 2) the mayoral runoff election is a little more than a week away and 60% increases in ventilated honor students doesn’t turn out the vote.

Final Stupidity Tally: 2 killed, 13 wounded
2014’s weekend tally: 2 killed, 19 wounded

Friday 3/27
2:00p 6700 S Hoyne Ave, Englewood, M/20
6:00p 3200 W 87th St, Ashburn, M/23
7:15p 5300 W Jackson Blvd, Austin, M/23 !!

Saturday 3/28
1:20a 2239 S Michigan Ave, Near S. Side, M/36 (story)
1:20a 2239 S Michigan Ave, Near S. Side, M/39
1:30a 6300 W Belmont Ave, Dunning, M/28
1:45a 2000 W Fullerton Ave, Logan Square, F/27
2:00a 100 N Ada St, Near West Side, M/29
9:15a 8800 S Cottage Grove Ave, Chatham, M/26
2:40p 1000 W 103rd Pl, Washington Heights, M/38
4:25 PM 7000 S Laflin St, Englewood, M/15
4:25 PM 7600 S Hermitage Ave, Auburn Gresham, M/18
10:00p 800 N Lavergne Ave, Austin, M/18

Sunday 3/29
2:00a 12200 S Racine Ave, West Pullman, M/25
4:35p 3800 W Wilcox St, Garfield Park, M/33
7:50p 7500 S Dorchester Ave, South Shore, M/30

!! #ShotInTheJunk


Getting Away With Murder

Posted on Wednesday, March 25th, 2015

Police line, do not crossChicago’s homicide clearance rate has been dismal for years. Our stats say just 31.4% of homicides (backing out police, self defense, etc…) committed last year resulted in an arrest. That leaves a whole lotta people walking around with blood on their hands. WBEZ FOIA’d the CPD and they’ve confirmed our back of the envelope calculations:

“In his reelection campaign, Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel is taking credit for a slight decline in the city’s homicide rate. But a WBEZ investigation raises a question about the murders that are still happening: Is the city doing enough to put the killers behind bars?

Emanuel has allowed detective ranks to decline during his term even as internal police records show some of the lowest murder clearance rates in decades.

Regarding the detectives, the number on the payroll is down by about 19 percent since Emanuel took office, according to records obtained by WBEZ under the state Freedom of Information Act. The ranks of evidence technicians and forensic investigators have thinned by even larger proportions.”

It’s not uncommon for scanner traffic to state there is “no crime lab available” or that the evidence technicians are in such a backlog that it’ll be 8 hours before they’ll arrive on scene (sometimes not at all).

What’s even worse is the non-lethal shootings clearance rate. Our math says just 4.2% (13) of shootings this year have lead to an arrest. Almost as many people, 10, have accidentally shot themselves so far this year.

In short, don’t shoot yourself.


The Weekend’s Stupidity

Posted on Sunday, March 22nd, 2015

3 StoogesAfter last weekend’s St Paddy’s shitshow, one would think that 30 fewer degrees on the thermometer would literally cool things off. But no. Instead it’s the usual stupid shit perpetrated by the usual stupid people, er, honor students.

Final Stupidity Tally: 4 killed, 18 wounded
2014’s weekend tally: 3 killed, 18 wounded

Friday 3/20
4:25p 8100 S Houston Ave, South Chicago, M/21
4:45p 8100 S Drexel Ave, Chatham, M/30

Saturday 3/21
3:00a 5200 N Spaulding Ave, North Park, M/23
3:25a 800 S Pulaski Rd, Garfield Park, M/26
4:20a 4400 W Congress Pkwy, Garfield Park, M/20
12:30p 8800 S Wood St, Auburn Gresham, M/30
6:20p 2200 N Narragansett, Belmont Cragin, M/17
7:05p 10900 S Green Bay Ave, East Side, F/23
9:20p 4400 W Monroe St, Garfield Park, M/19
9:20p 4400 W Monroe St, Garfield Park, M/20
10:00p 6100 S Rockwell St, Chicago Lawn, M/30

Sunday 3/22
1:30a 13200 S Eberhart Ave, Riverdale, M/34 !!
1:55a 8700 S Wood St, Auburn Gresham, M/24 !
2:15a 2800 W 61st St, Chicago Lawn, F/23
2:15a 2800 W 61st St, Chicago Lawn, M/33
2:30a 3500 W Fullerton Ave, Logan Square, M/43
4:20a 5700 S Princeton Ave, Englewood, M/26
4:20a 5700 S Princeton Ave, Englewood, M/29
11:10a 5200 S Green St, New City, M/27
1:20p 700 S Kenneth Ave, Garfield Park, M/46
5:45p 1700 N McVicker Ave, Austin, M/17
6:45p 2200 W Winnemac Ave, Lincoln Square, M/?

! #ShotInTheAss
!! #ShotInTheJunk


Safe Passage Shooter

Posted on Sunday, March 22nd, 2015

Safe PassageThe whole idea behind the Safe Passage program has always been a bit of a joke. If some plastic signs and $10/hr temporary employees can keep the kiddies safe, then why not make the whole city a massive Safe Passage route?

Anyway, while honor students are expected to ignore all signage, possibly due to an abnormally low reading level, Safe Passage workers are not supposed to be the ones shooting students:

“A man identified by prosecutors as a Safe Passage worker was charged with shooting a 17-year-old girl Wednesday while working outside a school on the Far South Side.

Shelby Crawford, 18, who prosecutors said is on probation for a juvenile gun case, had been hired as a Safe Passage worker about two months ago, according to Cook County prosecutors and his family.

But a Chicago Public Schools spokesman said Crawford is not part of the Safe Passage program but was working as a “student support worker” monitoring the arrival and dismissal of students at Foundations College Prep.

Crawford was working as a Safe Passage worker in the 1300 block of West 111th Place about 4:15 p.m. when he got into an altercation with a group of teens. He then followed the group and opened fire, striking a 17-year-old girl in the chest with a bullet that lodged between her rib cage and lung…”

Nice shootin’ Tex. You showed them, didn’t you Shelly?


They Ain’t Going Anywhere

Posted on Wednesday, March 18th, 2015

Warning Revenue CameraRevenue (red light & speed) cameras have become a main talking point of the runoff election between Chewie Chavez and 9.5. One says they’re gone day one, the other just took a bunch offline in critical wards. Despite the yammering, revenue cameras aren’t going anywhere because they bring in too much revenue and Chicago is broke.

“A group of aldermen failed to force a vote at Wednesday’s City Council meeting on a plan to eliminate both red-light and speed cameras by 2018.

The ordinance, introduced by Ald. Roderick Sawyer (6th) in early October, has been languishing in the council’s Committee on Transportation and the Public Way since then.

Ald. John Arena (45th) tried to raise the matter directly in Wednesday’s City Council meeting. Citing public “mistrust,” he said the move to “phase out red-light and speed cameras” over the next three years “does so in a responsible way.”

Yet Ald. Edward Burke (14th) said eliminating the cameras constituted “throwing the baby out with the bath water” and called the maneuver an “affront” to Ald. Anthony Beale (9th), chairman of the Transportation Committee.

Aldermen then voted 34-14 to postpone consideration of the issue.”

What Ed wants, Ed gets. The cameras are staying because Ed needs the money.


St. Patrick’s Stupidity

Posted on Friday, March 13th, 2015

Drunk girlThe Saturday before St. Patrick’s Day is always a special time of the year in Chicago. Bros, Chads and Trixies flood the bars of Wrigleyville, Lakeview, Lincoln Park, Old Town, etc… and proceed to make complete fools of themselves while on the West and South sides of town, the normal shitshow plays out in earnest.

For a full breakdown of the stupidity in Wrigleyville on Saturday, CWB has all the details: YUCK OF THE IRISH: Wrigleyville Binge Spawns 17 Arrests

Final Stupidity Tally: 6 killed, 28 wounded
2014’s weekend tally: 3 killed, 6 wounded

Friday the 13th
12:15p 1800 S Kedzie Ave, North Lawndale, M/18 !!#
1:00p 900 E 131st St, Riverdale, F/34 !
2:35p 9200 S Langley, Chatham, M/18
6:50p 6100 S Dorchester, Woodlawn, M/14
11:45p 1658 W Juneway Terr, Rogers Park, M/26
Saturday 3/14
11:30a 6900 S Peoria St, Englewood, M/23
1:10p 9200 S Langley Ave, Chatham, M/25
3:30p 5000 S Aberdeen St, New City, M/30 !
3:30p 5000 S Aberdeen St, New City, M/18
7:10p 4600 W Erie St, Austin, M/19
Sunday 3/15
2:45a 1200 N Damen Ave West Town, F/35
4:00a 5000 N Harding Ave, Albany Park, M/?
7:15a 4700 S Kostner Ave, Archer Heights, M/21
12:50p 5800 W Patterson St, Portage Park, M/16
1:15p 5800 S LaSalle St, Englewood, M/24
1:15p 5800 S LaSalle St, Englewood, M/25
1:15p 5800 S LaSalle St, Englewood, F/22
2:30p 5100 W Iowa St, Austin, M/18
3:00p 5900 S Artesian Ave, Chicago Lawn, M/16
3:15p 3400 W Douglas, North Lawndale, M/12
4:30p 5800 W North Ave, Austin, M/23
4:30p 5800 W North Ave, Austin, M/28

4:35p 1600 S Wolcott Ave, Lower W Side, M/20
7:30p 7900 S Dante Ave, Avalon Park, M/14
8:15p 2917 N Long Ave, Belmont Cragin, M/36
10:10p 700 W 118th St, West Pullman, M/25
11:55p 5900 S Campbell, Chicago Lawn, M/30
Monday Overtime
12:05a 4100 S Western Ave, Brighton Park, F/17
2:00a 6600 S Oakley Ave, Chicago Lawn, M/30
3:10a 2200 N Ashland Ave, Logan Square, M/41
3:10a 2200 N Ashland Ave, Logan Square, M/34

3:10a 2200 N Ashland Ave, Logan Square, M/26
3:10a 2200 N Ashland Ave, Logan Square, M/?
4:20a 4700 S King Dr, Grand Boulevard, M/19

! #ShotInTheAss
!! #ShotInTheJunk
# Selfie


Honor Student of the Week

Posted on Wednesday, March 11th, 2015

It’s not often that what is heard over the scanner ends up on national media outlet. When we heard the above play out over the scanner, the inclusion of professional wrestling figures didn’t come to mind.

“The owner of the wrestling-themed restaurant The Squared Circle put his wrestling knowledge to use to stop a man with a gun this weekend.

Lee Varon, the husband of former WWE superstar Victoria, Lisa Marie Varon, disarmed the man and body-slammed him to the floor inside the restaurant’s kitchen Saturday night.

“The entire time this kid was fighting me, biting, scratching, head-butting, yelling ‘I’m not going to prison,’ ” Lee Varon said.

After the chef grabbed the weapon, Lee Varon slammed the suspected to the ground and pinned him there while he was yelling and kicking until police arrived.”

Other than the size difference being quite comical, we’re not sure why this jagoff was complaining about going to prison. He’ll be back on the streets in no time.

1 Comment

Morbid Monday

Posted on Tuesday, March 10th, 2015

Math is hardIt was just a few weeks ago when the masses were told that the reason shootings, homicides and most stupidity was down was because the CPD’s “strategies are working”. Of course below zero temps and a foot and half of snowfall had nothing to do with it because after all “it’s not the weather”.

Coming off a rather violent early March weekend, a sunny and low 50s Monday “surprisingly” left 4 dead and another 11 wounded. First came news of one of the most gruesome homicides in a long time:

“A 52-year-old woman was taken into custody Monday morning in connection with the death of a 9-month-old girl whose neck was slashed with a circular saw in the Little Village neighborhood.

Investigators suspect the woman used the saw to stop the child from crying, a police source said.”


And then not even 12 hours later on the other side of town:

“Odell Branch Sr. and his 5-year-old great-grandson had a routine most evenings: They would lounge on a couch, watch a Western and eat ice cream.

That’s what they were doing Monday night when gunfire ripped through the window of their home in the 200 block of West 105th Street on the Far South Side, killing Branch, 77, and wounding his great-grandson as well as a woman and her 2-year-old son who were outside.”

That’s four shot by one or more jagoff(s) where none of those hit were the likely target.


The Weekend’s Stupidity

Posted on Friday, March 6th, 2015

3 StoogesWith some seasonal temperatures on tap for the first time in weeks, we figured it was time to dust off the old weekend Stupidity Tally. We’ll see if those strategies that worked so well when it was below zero still work when it’s 40 degrees warmer.

Final Stupidity Tally: 4 killed, 19 wounded
2014’s weekend tally: 0 killed, 11 wounded

Friday 3/6
4:15p 7300 S Phillips Ave, South Shore, M/42
4:20p 6800 S Justine St, Englewood, M/57
4:20p 6800 S Justine St, Englewood, M/18
5:00p Mother, 2 kids hit & killed by semi truck
8:15p Pedestrian fatally struck in Englewood
9:45p 3400 W 52nd St, Gage Park, M/36
Saturday 3/7
12:30a 1200 S Loomis St Near West Side, M/24
1:35a 1000 W 18th St, Lower W Side, M/22
1:35a 1000 W 18th St, Lower W Side, M/18
4:30a 4700 W Van Buren St, Austin, M/38
4:30a 8800 S Wabash Ave, Chatham, M/27
6:00a 1 killed in Goose Island accident
4:00p 2000 W 47th St, New City, M/40
5:30p 6400 S Eberhart Ave, Woodlawn, M/21
5:30p 6400 S Eberhart Ave, Woodlawn, M/19
7:00p 1800 N Merrimac Ave, Austin, F/25
7:55p 6100 S Kimbark Ave, Woodlawn, M/16
8:20p 8400 S Sangamon St, Auburn Gresham, M/18
Sunday 3/8
1:55a 6600 S Rhodes Ave, Woodlawn, M/44
7:30a 7700 N Paulina St, Rogers Park, M/19
12:25p 1000 W 89th St, Auburn Gresham, M/24
3:00p 6200 S King Dr, Washington Park, M/40
5:50p 200 E 58th St, Washington Park, F/44
5:50p 200 E 58th St, Washington Park, M/31
6:35p 6500 S Kimbark Ave, Woodlawn, F/25(story)
9:00p 4000 W 79th St, Ashburn, M/15



A Real Ball Buster

Posted on Tuesday, March 3rd, 2015

Ball Buster

We’re seeing stars just reading this:

“A Near North Side woman tried to escape police Sunday by grabbing an officer’s groin, authorities said.

Arnetha Lofton, 45, was arrested after she threatened an ex-boyfriend inside his home in the 4500 block of West 55th Street, according to a police report.

As the officers escorted Lofton outside, she grabbed one of them “by the scrotum and squeezed, causing instant pain,” the report said.”



February Wrap-up

Posted on Sunday, March 1st, 2015

dibsIf we said “14.6”, you’d likely assume that would be the average number of ventilated honor students per day in July, and you’d probably be right. However, when it comes to February that was the average temperature:

“Early Sunday morning, the weather service reported February’s average temperature was 14.6, tying a record for the month set in 1875. The normal average temperature for February is 27.7 degrees, according to the weather service.”

And as an added bonus, we also saw one of the snowiest Februarys on record:

“February 2015 will go down in the books as the third-snowiest February on record in Chicago, with just under 27 inches recorded at O’Hare for the month.”

Despite the cold and snow, the honor students still managed to kill nearly 20 people and wound another 60 – or about the same as last year. Of course, none of the above facts mean anything when it comes to the political smoke and mirrors, pandering and obfuscation:

“Chicago Police spokesman Martin Maloney credited the homicide slowdown this month to police partnering with residents and community leaders, putting more officers on the street in high-crime areas and intervening in gang conflicts.”

The exact same bullshit was said last year (and every year) after a winter full of record cold and snow. Anyone using common sense can see the general correlation between weather and crime:

“Though Chicago police officials typically downplay weather’s role in crime upticks or slowdowns, [Arthur] Lurigio said crime tends to follow weather patterns and this month’s dip in homicides is no exception.

“Given the time of the year and given the extreme nature of the temperature, we should be looking to the weather” as the cause of the slowdown, Lurigio said.”

Pfft. That’s nonsense Art. How could anyone attribute lower crime rates to really f*cking cold weather? Oh, right, just about everyone except for some political hacks.


Clout Bitches! v2.0

Posted on Friday, February 27th, 2015

Machine Alderman Ed BurkeNot even a month ago, we brought you the story of an old machine hack who magically gets his street plowed (multiple times) before everyone else. Of course, our betters frantically waved their hands in apparent horror and said there would be an investigation. Now after the latest snowfall event, the same thing happened again:

“A Chicago Sun-Times reporter visited the 14th Ward block Thursday morning where Burke and his wife, Illinois State Supreme Court Justice Anne Burke, live in a 5,600-square-foot, three-story home and found Burke’s street completely clean and salted by 9 a.m.

The pavement of nearby side streets was visible only where tires had left ruts.

But when asked Thursday about the status of the administration’s inquiry, Streets and Sanitation spokeswoman Molly Poppe said the matter had been taken up by Inspector General Joseph Ferguson.”

Deflect and PUNT!!!

“Any favoritism during snow-removal operations is simply unacceptable,” Poppe said Thursday. “The I.G. is currently looking into this matter, and while we can’t comment further since the investigation is ongoing, we look forward to receiving the I.G.’s report.”

Hahahahaha, right, sure. Expect said investigation to release their findings on a hot summer Friday afternoon, preferably right before a holiday weekend, like say, the 4th of July.


We’ve Gotta Runoff

Posted on Tuesday, February 24th, 2015

runoffNot that it’s going to make any difference in the end, but at least we’ll be entertained for the next six weeks. Various media stories on the day’s events:

Chicago Tribune: Political dynamics change as Emanuel, Garcia move into runoff campaign

Chicago Sun-Times: Analysis: Runoff election is ‘still Rahm’s to lose’ — and still a huge embarrassment

DNAInfo Chicago: How Chicago Wards Voted in the 2015 Mayoral Election

John Kass: Chumbolones stand tall in Chicago mayoral election

Chicago Reader: Now it’s time for the real mayoral debate

Chicago Tribune: Why Rahm Emanuel might lose



Posted on Saturday, February 21st, 2015

Chicago Mayors: Thompson, Cermak, Daley, Washington, Daley“I’m the mayor, and don’t you ever forget it.” – Richard J. Daley, 1955

This Tuesday, Chicagoans get to pretend that we have a say on who gets to run the city. Four years ago, our betters and their more-than-willing media lapdogs preordained Rahm months before the vote. However, instead of a coronation, we may actually get to see something that hasn’t occurred in Chicago since 1983 – an election.

In case you didn’t know, Chicago has a runoff style electoral system where if no candidate receives 50% +1 on Tuesday, there will be a runoff between the top two finishers in April.

Therefore the goal of Tuesday is to force a runoff, not only between Rahm and whoever, but also in the aldercreature races as well. Whoever the incumbent is, vote against him or her.

Make them work for the next six weeks and then after April 7th we can return to our usual serf/noble feudal model of government.


… Aaaand It’s Gone!

Posted on Thursday, February 19th, 2015

South Park - And it's gone!“You can reclassify an aggravated assault or you can unfound a robbery, but how do you make a body disappear?” – Major Howard “Bunny” Colvin, The Wire

Looks as if G-Math took Bunny’s advice and unfounded a robbery, only the one unfounded was the most publicized robbery of 2014 – the one involving the Mayor’s son. Our colleagues over at Crime in Wrigleyville and Boystown made the eye-popping discovery:

“CWB has found that the beating and robbery of Emanuel’s teenage son on December 19 does not appear anywhere in the Chicago Data Portal — a city-run public web site that is supposed to be so accurate, the Chicago Police Department used its existence as an excuse to stop issuing annual reports to citizens after nearly 50 years.

After two armed robberies were reported in Emanuel’s neighborhood this week, a CWB editor visited the city database to compare year-over-year robbery rates for that area.

He didn’t get very far: “The robbery of the mayor’s son was probably the highest-profile robbery in Chicago last year,” he said, “Its absence screamed at me.”

CWB contacted the Chicago Police Department about the missing data on Tuesday morning. No one has responded to our inquiry.”

It’s bullshit like this along with the Chicago Magazine articles and the Chicago Tribune article that made us stop using the “data” portal a year ago.

Like we said when this story first broke, “we wouldn’t be surprised if this strong-arm robbery gets downgraded to theft, lost property or just goes away completely.” Between the alleged offender being charged as a juvenile (therefore no mugshot, no names, no details, hence no story) and the missing data point, it looks like “goes away completely” was an accurate prediction.


Honor Student of the Week

Posted on Wednesday, February 18th, 2015

Bilal MatariehWhat is it about these gadgets that makes people do dumb things?

“A 25-year-old man swiped six iPhones from the Lincoln Park Apple store after he booked a Genius Bar appointment under a fake name, prosecutors said Tuesday.

The only problem? He showed store employees his real ID before the ripoff, Assistant State’s Attorney Erin Antonietti said during a bond hearing.”

Ok, so maybe he’s not the most brilliant of honor students. Anyway…

“According to a police report, Matarieh made a Feb. 7 appointment at the Lincoln Park store at 801 W. North Ave. under the guise of needing his phone repaired. At one point, he allegedly walked behind a counter, opened a drawer, took six iPhone 6 phones and headed out the front door.

His public defender said Matarieh lives with his mother and works in wireless sales for AT&T [… and] has a pending home invasion case in suburban Bridgeview [… and] has three felony convictions, including burglary and criminal damage to property.”

… and he’s a loser. In any event, he’ll be back at it within a few weeks time.


The Weekend Wrap-up

Posted on Monday, February 16th, 2015

dibsFor mid-February, it has been pretty damn cold. Single digit overnights and negative wind chills have helped slow the stupidity, but outside of reaching 0 degrees Kelvin, nothing will stop it. The week ahead looks even more brutal with record low temps being forecasted.

Final Stupidity Tally: 2 killed, 7 wounded
2014’s weekend tally: 2 killed, 2 wounded

Friday 2/13
6:30p 7100 S Vincennes Ave, Grand Crossing, M/23
11:55p 8700 S Holland Rd, Roseland, M/31 (story)
Saturday 2/14
12:30a 2700 W Cortland St, Logan Square, M/29
12:30a 1300 W 73rd St, Englewood, M/18 (story)
2:10p 6800 S Champlain Ave, Woodlawn, M/39
4:00p 5500 W Huron St, Austin, M/39
4:30p 8400 S Saginaw Ave, South Chicago, M/19
8:00p Walgreens shoplifting run goes bad
Sunday 2/15
3:15a 1400 W 71st St, Englewood, M/22 (story)
3:15a 1400 W 71st St, Englewood, M/24



St. Valentine’s Day Massacre

Posted on Saturday, February 14th, 2015

Bodies From St. Valentine's Day Massacre86 years ago today, one of the most infamous incidents in Chicago history took place, the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre. A total of seven people were gunned down in a garage at 2122 N. Clark Street in Lincoln Park.

As of today, this month has already tallied 9 10 homicides, which is two three more than the massacre tallied. Last year we saw the equivalent of 65 St. Valentine’s Day Massacres but we doubt any of those homicides will become part of Chicago lore quite like the original.

Two other notable parallels to the present day are 1) no one was ever convicted for the crime and 2) the code of silence was alive and well back then too. Frank Gusenberg, who was the only one of the seven to survive the attack, told the cops “nobody shot me”. He died three hours later from 14 bullet wounds. Today he’d say “I ain’t seen nothin'” and be labeled as being ‘uncooperative’.



Posted on Wednesday, February 11th, 2015

Rahm, JRW and Jesse too! A few months back, allegations were made that the feel good story of the year, the Jackie Robinson West Little League Baseball World Series run, was a fraud. We found those allegations pretty compelling at the time because of the evidence put forward. However, we weren’t surprised when they didn’t really go anywhere.

Fast forward to today and word broke that, yep, they cheated by assembling a team of ringers:

“Little League officials said in December that they had reviewed the roster and found no residency violations. But citing “new information,” they met Tuesday in Williamsport, Pa., and decided that Jackie Robinson West knowingly used “a falsified boundary map” to include players who lived outside the team’s borders.

Little League’s decision means the national title now goes to the team from Las Vegas that Jackie Robinson West defeated in the U.S. championship game. The Jackie Robinson team also will have to vacate all wins from the 2014 Little League World Series tournament, including its Great Lakes regional title.

In addition to voiding all of the team’s wins, team manager Darold Butler has been suspended from Little League activity and Michael Kelly has been removed as administrator of Illinois District 4.”

And? Didn’t Rahm use the same sort of boundary residency map when he was running for mayor last time?

More here, plus the usual dog whistle excuse by the usual suspects here.


Two Degrees of Stupid

Posted on Saturday, February 7th, 2015

2degreesAfter recording 5,000 shootings and homicides, one tends to see patterns develop on who is going to get shot, when and by whom (if caught). Some Ivy League eggheads went ahead and published a study confirming common sense:

“If you and another person get arrested together in Chicago, you’re both part of a loose network of people with a high risk of getting shot in the future, Yale University researchers say in a newly published study.

Only 6 percent of the people in Chicago between 2006 and 2012 were listed on arrest reports as co-offenders in crimes, the study says. But those people became the victims of 70 percent of the nonfatal shootings in the city over the same period.”

Makes sense. So in other words, if you’re a maladjusted jagoff with coping issues who likes to hang out with other maladjusted jagoffs in a neighborhood that’s known for jagoffiness, chances are your loser ass is going to get shot.

However, G-Math says that the “Hug-A-Thug” program is paying dividends if only comparing two data points and ignoring all other factors:

“Police Supt. Garry McCarthy believes that list is helping his beat officers concentrate on those people most likely to become shooting victims — or to shoot someone else.

But what can’t be measured is the violence the list might have prevented, department officials say. They say the list is part of the reason murders and nonfatal shootings were down in 2014 compared to 2012, the year before the list was created.”

Sounds like some “jobs created or saved”, non-measurable, in the ether bullshit to us. The reason why murders and homicides are down in 2014 vs 2012 (while ignoring 2013) was that 5 weeks of summer-like weather from late February thru March of 2012 accounted for nearly all of that year’s increase. The rest of 2012 more or less mirrored any other year for the past 15 years.

In short, don’t be a jagoff.


Clout Bitches!!!

Posted on Wednesday, February 4th, 2015

Machine Alderman Ed BurkeBack when a certain party machine ran everything, those wards and precincts what were loyal to the machine could expect their streets and even alleys to be plowed the instant a snowflake hit. Those wards and precincts that didn’t deliver would have to wait.

Nowadays, pretty much everyone has to wait, unless you’re the Loop or one of the last remaining members of the old machine, then your street carries clout and lots of it:

“The stretch of West 51st Street is far from Chicago’s busiest road, carrying only two lanes of traffic and dead-ending before Pulaski and the CTA’s Orange Line tracks.

Still, the 3900 block of 51st got lots of attention from city snow-removal crews during and after last weekend’s intense winter storm.

You see, 51st is where you’ll find the 5,600-square-foot home of the City Council’s longest-serving and most-powerful member, Finance Committee Chairman Ed Burke, and his wife, Illinois Supreme Court Justice Anne Burke.

Hours after the last snowflake fell on the U.S. and Chicago flags flying in front of the Burke home, the block and the two one-way streets leading to and away from it were nearly as free of snow as they’ll be on the Fourth of July.

A couple of blocks away, the people spinning their wheels in deep snow still waited for the first plows to arrive.”

Sounds like the surrounding neighborhood needs to pad ol’ Ed’s pockets a bit more, then they’ll have their streets plowed.


January’s 30 (Update: 31)

Posted on Monday, February 2nd, 2015

dibsNew year, new month, same old bullshit. A couple cold snaps and a last minute blizzard didn’t do much to stop the stupidity this January – which saw a solid year-over-year uptick vs last year’s Polar Vortex-hobbled January.

Final Stupidity Tally: 30 31 killed, 121 wounded.
Last January’s Tally: 24 dead, 84 wounded.

A breakdown of the month’s idiocy shows:

  • 28 shot & killed
  • 1 2 stabbed
  • 1 child abuse
  • 3 ongoing “death investigations”
  • 19 in serious or critical condition
  • 8 grazed
  • 5 selfies
  • 29 males killed vs 1 2 females
  • 3 no hitters (days without stupidity)

As for the month ahead, February is always the slowest and quietest month of the year. We’ll predict a total of 25 (+/-3) homicides plus another 100 (+/-10) shot and wounded.


Super Bowl Weekend

Posted on Friday, January 30th, 2015

Super Bowl XX We’re going to take the weekend off, therefore no running Stupidity Tally this weekend.

However, we will leave you with our Super Bowl prediction: Patriots 24, Ditka 147.

Enjoy the snow. Enjoy the game.


Happy Anniversary

Posted on Monday, January 26th, 2015

2nd AnniversaryBack in 2012 during the Chick-fil-A kerfuffle, the infamous phrase regarding “Chicago values” was spoken. Around the same time, Chicago was making national headlines for the rising number of ventilated honor students. That’s when we came up with the idea of a dashboard based on the “Chicago values” of murder, crime and mayhem.

On January 25th, 2013, we went live with a site that contained just a handful of charts, no shooting statistics (just homicides), no commentary, and no Shot-In-The-Ass-O-Meter.

Since then we’ve recorded nearly 950 homicides and 5,000 people shot. We’ve posted over 350 pieces of poorly written commentary and have made thousands of hours worth of updates, edits and additions.

We’d like to thank everyone who has visited, commented, emailed, followed, linked and liked and helped us make this idea a very minor success.

– The HeyJackass Crew


The Weekend’s Stupidity

Posted on Saturday, January 24th, 2015

The Triple FacepalmOur mild winter continues to mess with the stats. Last winter, record cold and snow received no credit from our betters who proclaimed “our strategies our working” and “weather has nothing to do with it”. So if weather has nothing to do with it, then those strategies are no longer working.

Final Stupidity Tally: 4 killed, 23 wounded
2014’s weekend tally: 3 killed, 14 wounded

Friday 1/23
3:30p 6800 S Campbell Ave, Chicago Lawn, M/19
4:45p 7800 S Coles Ave, South Shore, M/18
5:25p 100 E 67th St, Grand Crossing, M/22
5:25p 1500 S Trumbull Ave, North Lawndale, M/35
6:15p 6800 S Western Ave, Chicago Lawn, M/18
6:20p 7900 S Vincennes Ave, Chatham, M/19
6:50p 5100 S Morgan St, New City, M/20
10:15p 7800 S Carpenter St, Auburn Gresham, M/17
10:20p 4500 S Hermitage Ave, New City, F/21
10:20p 4500 S Hermitage Ave, New City, F/20 !
10:20p 2900 S Dearborn St, Douglas, M/18 #
Saturday 1/24
2:00 AM 200 N Kenton Ave, Garfield Park, M/?
2:00a 100 N Aberdeen St, Near West Side, M/21
2:30a 4000 W Cortland St, Hermosa, M/23
5:30a 100 S Kostner, Garfield Park, M/27 !
6:05a 100 E Chicago Ave, Near North Side, M/34
12:25p 8600 S Ashland Ave, Auburn Gresham, M/?
1:45p 5000 S Throop St, New City, M/22
1:45p 5000 S Throop St, New City, M/53
6:55p 5500 W Huron St, Austin, M/24
9:35p 800 N Trumbull Ave, Humboldt Park, M/50
Sunday 1/25
7:30a 1600 S Hamlin Ave, North Lawndale, M/22
12:20p 7300 S Damen Ave, Englewood, M/16
12:50p 3500 W 24th St, Little Village, M/39
3:45p 300 S Springfield Ave, Garfield Park, M/15
7:40p 3550 S Rhodes Ave, Douglas, F/26
10:00p 2245 W 18th Pl, Lower W Side, M/18

! #ShotInTheAss
# Selfie


Missed It By That Much

Posted on Thursday, January 22nd, 2015

Don Adams as Maxwell SmartOur betters were right, legal gun owners are going to shoot up the place by firing indiscriminately at textbook-toting honor student asking for bus fare to the library:

“An off-duty Cook County sheriff’s officer was robbed in an alley in the Lake View neighborhood on the North Side late Wednesday evening, police said.

The off-duty officer was in the 1900 block of West Belmont Avenue when two masked male offenders came up to him and announced a robbery around 11:30 p.m., said Chicago Police News Affairs Officer Hector Alfaro.

One of the offenders then fired his weapon, and the officer returned gunfire, Alfaro said. The two offenders fled with the officer’s cell phone and an unknown amount of money, Alfaro said.

The officers did not suffer gunshot wounds.”

Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound as if the honor students caught any lead like they did last year when a Cook County Sheriff was held up at a gas station on the south side.

In addition to this incident and the 12 people shot around town yesterday, the North Side experienced summer-like robbery idiocy. And it was only a Wednesday, in January. Summer should be fun!!

Update: This happened in a Soprano’s episode: Gunmen Likely Targeted Underground Poker Game; Vice Unit Opens Investigation

Update 2: There’s (grainy, VHS-like) video!


“It’ll be like the Wild West!!!”

Posted on Tuesday, January 20th, 2015

Standoff - The Office For years we were told by our betters that average Joes couldn’t carry a gun because “there will be blood in the streets!!” or “there will be shootouts over parking spots at the Walmart!!” and of course, Mayor Daley’s favorite, “it’ll be like the Wild West!!“.

The blood-soaked news broke last week:

“23,921 Cook County residents received permits to carry hidden firearms since the state began the licensing process in January 2014. Those permits represent about a fourth of the statewide total of almost 92,000 permits.”

Applying the standard political “1 gun = 100,000 dead/if it saves just one life” math, that should translate into 2/3rds of the population of Illinois (~7 million people) being gunned down with the remaining on life support.

At least it’ll be easier to find a parking spot downtown now.

Side note: we’ve recorded just a single incident thus far within Chicago where a CCW permit holder ventilated an honor student. On the hand, non-permit holding honor students continue to maim and kill one another with reckless abandon. There’s blood in the streets alright, it’s just not the right type to warrant much attention.


The Weekend’s Stupidity

Posted on Friday, January 16th, 2015

3 StoogesA virtual heat wave will be rolling into town this weekend with forecasted highs pushing 40 degrees on Saturday – 20 degrees warmer than last year. The lack of puffy coats and snow cover may result in some additional stupidity (or not).

UPDATE: Last year, MLK Day was relatively quiet. If for whatever reason, today ends up being a total shitshow, we’ll extend the stats to reflect the stupidity.

Final Stupidity Tally: 4 killed, 14 wounded
2014’s weekend tally: 4 killed, 13 wounded

Friday 1/16
6:30p 5700 S Peoria St, Englewood, M/PO # (story)
7:20p 5800 S Western Ave, Gage Park, M/17
7:25p 500 N Drake Ave, Humboldt Park, M/20 !
9:40p 6455 S Peoria St, Englewood, M/19
Saturday 1/17
2:50a 4800 S Princeton Ave, Fuller Park, M/16
3:40a 4500 W Lake St, Garfield Park, M/16 !
3:40a 4500 W Lake St, Garfield Park, F/17
3:40a 4500 W Lake St, Garfield Park, M/20
12:45p 1200 S Pulaski Rd, N. Lawndale, M/23
6:45p 8000 S Stewart Ave, Chatham, M/39
6:50p 9600 S Green St, Washington Heights, M/?
Sunday 1/18
5:15a 5600 S Wabash Ave, Washington Park, M/36
11:15a 2100 W Warren Blvd, Near West Side, M/22
12:25p 6900 S Dante Ave, South Shore, M/28
1:45p 2637 W 63rd St, Chicago Lawn, M/17 !
5:15p 5000 W Division St, Austin, M/15
7:45p 1453 E 66th Pl, Woodlawn, M/33 !
8:20p 800 S Albany Ave, Garfield Park, M/23

# Selfie (negligent discharge)
! #ShotInTheAss


Blind Spot Update

Posted on Wednesday, January 14th, 2015

See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No EvilBack on Dec 20 with regard to Rahm’s son getting #CrimeIsDown’d, we suggested, “we wouldn’t be surprised if this strong-arm robbery gets downgraded to theft, lost property or just goes away completely.”

“Just goes away completely”, come on down! You’re the next contestant on #CrimeIsDown!

“Chicago Police questioned an 18-year-old man in connection with last month’s robbery of Mayor Emanuel’s son and released him Tuesday evening without charges, according to a police source.

Police spokesman Marty Maloney denied an arrest had occurred and did not answer other questions from RedEye. Representatives of the mayor did not return requests for comment.

When reached by RedEye, the 18-year-old’s mother confirmed police took her son into custody Monday to question him about a stolen iPhone. She said she didn’t know the questioning was related to the Emanuel case.”

Obviously, there could be nothing here and that’s why the honor student was released into the custody of the local library. However, our spidey-sense tells us they’d rather have this go away than risk any sort of criminal trial. After all, who knows what would come out during various hearings and proceedings.

Related: PRIVACY REQUESTED: Per Rahm, No Charges To Be Filed In Son’s Robbery


“F*cked up”

Posted on Tuesday, January 13th, 2015

Chicago Cab Shooting  - Chris Sweda, Chicago TribuneOnce again, the CPD does their job and disposes of another habitual loser and all around jagoff, yet he is still able to take the life of a hard working family man:

“A West Side man accused of killing a cab driver in North Lawndale last week admitted to an acquaintance that he messed up, prosecutors alleged Monday.

Tyrese Bell, 24, was riding in the cab when he pulled out a gun and shot the driver twice, according to prosecutors.

After the shooting, Bell went to an acquaintance’s house, where he hid the gun and told the acquaintance “he f—ed up,” prosecutors said.””

Yep, you sure did Tyrese, you fucked up, again. The Cook County justice system fucked up again too, because Tyrese here shouldn’t be on the streets to begin with:

“Bell is on probation for a drug conviction after being sentenced to 18 months in prison in October 2014, court records show. He was credited with 280 days for time served at Cook County Jail and was under mandatory supervision for a year.

He was convicted of the same drug charge in 2010, 2011 and 2012, court records show. In 2008, he was sentenced to four years in prison for robbery.”

Who knew you could rack up yearly drug charges while on a four year stint in the clink. Unless…

Photo credit: Chris Sweda, Chicago Tribune


The Weekend’s Stupidity

Posted on Saturday, January 10th, 2015

dibsWhile bitter cold and snow may slow things down, it doesn’t stop the stupidity. As time has shown time and time again, local honor students will always find a way to beat, rob, maim and kill one another, regardless of temperature, precipitation, barometric pressure or moon phases.

Final Stupidity Tally: 1 killed, 5 wounded
Last year’s weekend tally: 1 killed, 6 wounded

Friday 1/9
7:00p 2100 W 35th St, Mckinley Park, M/25
10:15p 4000 W West End Ave, Garfield Park, M/21
10:40p 0 N Kostner Ave, Garfield Park, M/35
10:40p 0 N Kostner Ave, Garfield Park, M/31
Saturday 1/10
10:25p 600 E 75th St, Grand Crossing, M/15
Sunday 1/11
6:45p 4500 S Paulina St, New City, M/25



Late Expiration

Posted on Thursday, January 8th, 2015

Parking Meter - Time Expired
One of our minor pet peeves is how all the parties that count homicides and shootings do so differently. The CPD counts legally defined murders while not adding their own. The Cook County medical examiner tallies homicides leaving out anything police related as well. We simply count homicides, regardless of who killed who.

In any event, about once a year, we get a story like this:

“An 87-year-old South Side man shot in the abdomen in the 1940s finally succumbed to his wounds Sunday.

Tom Buchanan, of the 3200 block of South Wentworth, died Sunday of a gunshot wound he suffered some time in the 1940s, according to the Cook County medical examiner’s office.

The medical examiner’s office did not specify where Buchanan was when he was shot seven decades ago, but cited complications of intestinal obstruction and the gunshot wound as his primary causes of death, according to an autopsy. His death was recorded as a homicide.

Heart disease was a secondary factor in his death, the autopsy also found.”

We’re not doctors, we just play ones on WebMD, but our thinking is that if you can make it 70 years after getting shot, you’ve probably gotten over it.

Needless to say, this will not be included in our 2015 tally. It’s the date of the incident, not the date of passing.


Honor Student of the Week

Posted on Wednesday, January 7th, 2015

Andre BrownHey Ladies! Our latest Honor Student of the Week is a 26 year old bachelor with a hot temper and measurable knife skills, please meet Andre Brown:

“A 26-year-old man fatally stabbed his mom Monday night because she was always putting him down and told him he needed to get a girlfriend, prosecutors said Wednesday.

Andre Brown was ordered held in lieu of $1 million bail Wednesday on first-degree murder charges in the death of his mother, 54-year-old Damita Collins.

Brown stabbed Collins in her chest and slashed her in her neck in their home in the 3500 block of West 77th Place in Ashburn, authorities said. Police found a bloody butcher knife in the kitchen, Assistant State’s Attorney Jamie Santini said.”

Sounds like Mom was sick and tired of supporting her loser son. Now the generous taxpayers of Illinois have opportunity to support this jagoff for the next 25 years to life.


Ban Blind Spots!

Posted on Monday, January 5th, 2015

Surveillance camera blind spotSorry, but we’re not buying this:

“Mayor Rahm Emanuel said Monday his 17-year-old son was on his cellphone with a college counselor when he was attacked from behind by two unarmed men on the Ravenswood street where the mayor lives.

Emanuel was tight-lipped about the Dec. 19 mugging, except to say that it unmasked “blind spots” in security on his block that the Chicago Police Department needs to address.”

Yeah, sure, ok. A JUNIOR in high school is chatting up his college counselor at 10pm on a Friday night… a couple of doors down from the second most heavily guarded residence in the city (Obama’s crib is #1)… the security cameras weren’t working… and his cell phone was wiped almost instantly.

Judging by the number of homicides and shootings last year (and for the last 50 years) the city would seem to be one gigantic blind spot. Therefore banning blind spots should solve the issue, just like banning guns solved… um… well… hmm… FOR THE CHILDREN!!!


Year In Review

Posted on Friday, January 2nd, 2015

Father TimeWith another year in the books, it’s time to lovingly look back at the year that was, 2014.

The year started off with Chicago gripped by the Polar Vortex. Brutal cold and record amounts off snow did more to keep the stupidity off the streets than $95MM in overtime could do in a year. “It’s Not The Weather” became the new #CrimeIsDown as the usual suspects attributed the drop in stupidity to “our strategies are working” and not to “it’s f*ckin’ cold out!”. Some morons even went so far as to contribute the drop to the new concealed carry law – only it didn’t take effect until March 1st and to this day there aren’t many CCW permits in Chicago’s worst neighborhoods.

As spring showed up, we partook in the LSD Standoff and witnessed a Blue Line train run up an escalator at O’Hare. Chicago Magazine’s bombshell article on crime stats hit the stands and as is always the case, the first warm weekend of the year was a total shitshow.

As summer heated up, so did the stupidity. Homicides were still way below 2013, but shootings were up and were adding up quickly, Then came the most epic shitshow of the year, 4th of July weekend, tallying over 80 people shot. August witnessed the murder of 9yo Antonio Smith with little accompanying outrage of his execution. The summer ended with 151 homicides and 850 others shot & wounded.

Fall saw an increasing number of homicides and shootings. By October, we blew past 2013’s total people shot count. Then came the Brown/Wilson grand jury decision and for a brief moment in time, people actually paid attention to Chicago’s dismal metrics. “No True Bill” was our most read post and contributed to our most heavily trafficked few days of the year.

In addition to Rahm’s kid getting his ass kicked, December tallied 42 homicides which helped exceed 2013’s homicide total by just 1. With some pending “death investigations” and late expirations, the final number will slowly rise throughout 2015 to 460-465.

Looking ahead, 2015 likely see another 450 homicides (+/-25) and another 2,600 total people shot (+/-100).

Thanks again to everyone who visited, commented, liked and followed last year. Have a safe, healthy and prosperous 2015.

UPDATE: We’ve added a few additional links to stories/events that we had forgotten about. We’ll make the switch to 2015 in the next couple of days. Final 2014 stats are going to hang around for a bit longer.


Happy New Year!

Posted on Wednesday, December 31st, 2014

fireworksnavypier-624x416We’d like to thank everyone for making our 2014 a successful and fortuitous year. In addition to the over 1 million page views and nearly 700,000 visits, we added over 2,300 new Facebook fans and an additional 2,300 new Twitter followers.

We’ll have a complete 2014 breakdown in the next day or so, but until then, have a safe and prosperous new year.

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They Said There’d Be No Math

Posted on Monday, December 29th, 2014

Math is hard“New Math” G-Mac held a presser today to inform the media that Chicago will end the year with the fewest murders since some excitable Potawatomi “yutes” beat and robbed Jean Baptiste Point du Sable of his wooden iPhone.

“Chicago is poised to have the lowest number of murders in years, but the city’s “gang culture” continues to be an obstacle to fighting crime in the city, Police Supt. Garry McCarthy said.

As of Dec. 20, Chicago Police counted 390 murders in 2014, compared with 406 the previous year and 488 through the same period in 2012.”

According to the city’s own data portal, there have been 400 murders through 12/21. The Cook County Medical Examiner has 432 through today and we now have 455.

Why the difference? The CPD tallies murders (crimes) which doesn’t include incidents involving their own, cases of self-defense and some other slights of hand. We and the ME count homicides (one person killing another). We also include police-involved homicides plus some of those infamous “death investigations”.

In short, all murders are homicides, but not all homicides are murders.

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2014’s Final Weekend of Stupid

Posted on Saturday, December 27th, 2014

The above video sums up the final weekend of 2014 rather nicely (and the year as well).

Final Stupidity Tally: 6 killed, 21 wounded
Last year’s weekend tally: 2 killed, 21 wounded

Friday 12/26
2:00p 200 W Root St, Fuller Park, M/24
2:00p 200 W Root St, Fuller Park, M/24
2:50p 300 E 47th St, Grand Boulevard, M/23
4:25p 9000 S Houston Ave, South Chicago, M/23
8:35p 4900 W Arthington St, Austin, M/27
9:00p Honor Students Brawl at Navy Pier
10:00p 8000 S Muskegon Ave, South Chicago, M/16
10:00p 8000 S Muskegon Ave, South Chicago, M/17
10:10p 500 N Kedzie Ave, Humboldt Park, M/24
11:50p 7500 S Kimbark Ave, South Shore, F/18
Saturday 12/27
1:00a Honor Students Brawl at the Rock n’ Roll McDs
2:10a 7300 S Kenwood Ave, South Shore, M/23
3:30a 2800 W 23rd St, Little Village, M/24
5:00a 5700 N Campbell Ave, West Ridge, M/18
5:15a 5900 S California Ave, Chicago Lawn, M/40
6:00p Honor Students Brawl at Chicago Ridge Mall
8:35p 1500 E 73rd Pl, South Shore, M/25
11:55p 2 CPD coppers Injured in a Crash
Sunday 12/28
12:40a 4400 S Shields Ave, Fuller Park, M/22
12:40a 4400 S Shields Ave, Fuller Park, M/27
1:25a 1300 W Randolph St, Near W. Side, M/35
1:45a 1300 N Washburne Ave, Near W. Side, M/23
2:00a 11200 S Halsted St, Morgan Park, M/23
3:10a 100 E 51th St, Grand Boulevard, M/27
3:10a 100 E 51th St, Grand Boulevard, M/32
5:30a 900 N Lockwood Ave, Austin, M/34
1:00p 2200 E 73rd St, South Shore, M/23
3:40p 5100 S May St, New City, M/24
3:40p 5100 S May St, New City, M/29

3:40p 5100 S May St, New City, M/25
7:30p 9200 S Throop St, Washington Heights, F/56
10:15p Bonus fight at Navy Pier