Death Investigations

Posted on Tuesday, August 19th, 2014

FlameWhen Chicago Magazine published their blockbuster article on how the CPD manipulates the stats, we were not surprised. Case in point within the article was a story of a mother and son who died in an arson fire, yet they were never classified as homicides. At the time, we made note of incident, but 1) didn’t include it in our stats and 2) never heard about it again until the Chicago Mag article was published.

Now last week we’ve witnessed some more fire play with two women found dead within burning cars, on the same day, just miles away from one another:

“A person was found dead in a burning vehicle in Auburn Gresham Friday morning, just hours before a woman was found dead outside of a burning SUV in the same South Side neighborhood. The first body was found about 5 a.m. in a burning vehicle in the 8400 block of South Gilbert, police said.

Less than two miles away, a woman was found dead outside a burning Kia SUV at 7:45 a.m.”

Very suspicious. Were they both driving Ford Pintos that happened to be rear ended?

Unlike the previously mentioned arson case, this time however, we’re not waiting for official word (autopsies for both people were inconclusive) and unfortunately we’ve added both women to our stats.

If it turns out that both women or new Kia SUVs spontaneously combusted, we’ll happily back out both homicides from our official tally.

9 Comments

The Weekend’s Stupidity

Posted on Friday, August 15th, 2014

Final Stupidity Tally: 6 killed, 31 wounded.

Friday Pre-game
5:00a Woman #1 found in a burning vehicle
7:45a Woman #2 found under burning SUV
8:00a 8402 S Muskegon, South Chicago, M/23

Friday 8/15
1:30p 6900 S Vernon, Grand Crossing, M/26
6:40p 7400 S Greenwood, Grand Crossing, M/21
10:20p 9800 South Ellis, Pullman, M/19 !
10:20p 9800 South Ellis, Pullman, M/32
10:30p 10200 S State St, Roseland, M/22 !
11:35p 3400 S Indiana, Douglas, M/25
Saturday 8/16
12:50a 7200 S Laflin St, Englewood, F/16
12:50a 7200 S Laflin St, Englewood, M/20
1:45a 1600 N Mason, Austin, M/27
1:45a 1600 N Mason, Austin, F/19
3:00a 1600 W Grand Ave, West Town, M/32
11:15a 8800 S Muskegon Ave, South Chicago, M/15
11:25a 9800 Avenue L, East Side, M/33
5:10p 500 N Hamlin Ave, Humboldt Park, M/17
9:00p 3700 S Wabash, Douglas, M/18 !
10:45p 1300 S Avers Ave, North Lawndale, M/13
11:00p 18 hospitalized after pepper spray attack
11:00p 2400 W Adams St, Near W. Side, F/41
11:00p 2400 W Adams St, Near W. Side, F/45
11:10p 5100 S Wabash Ave, Washington Park, M/16
11:45p 2300 N Springfield Ave, Logan Square, M/21
11:45p 2300 N Springfield Ave, Logan Square, M/16

11:45p 2300 N Springfield Ave, Logan Square, M/18
Sunday 8/17
12:50a 6300 S Albany Ave, Chicago Lawn, M/20
1:15a 900 N Karlov Ave, Humboldt Park, M/16
1:50a 8700 S Union Ave, Auburn Gresham, M/24 !
2:00a 7900 S Merrill Ave, South Chicago, M/15
2:00a 7900 S Merrill Ave, South Chicago, M/20
2:00a 7900 S Merrill Ave, South Chicago, M/27
2:00a 7900 S Merrill Ave, South Chicago, M/30
4:35a 2900 N Kimball Ave, Avondale, M/23
10:40a 12200 S Emerald Ave, West Pullman, M/24
4:20p 10400 S Union Ave, Roseland, M/21
4:55p 700 E 50th Pl, Grand Boulevard, M/15
7:45p 7400 S Dante, South Shore, M/23
9:55p 400 W 104th St, Roseland, F/29
9:55p 400 W 104th St, Roseland, F/26
Monday Overtime
1:20a 7100 S Merrill Ave, South Shore, M/29

Key:
shooting
homicide
police-involved shooting
! #ShotInTheAss

12 Comments

Help Wanted

Posted on Thursday, August 14th, 2014

Help Wanted Remember last year when Chicago blew through $100 million in police overtime only to say that we don’t need more cops? Overtime it was argued, allowed for more flexibility – such as pulling cops from the north and northwest sides and placing them in the west and south sides.

In keeping with the ‘don’t need more cops’ theme, the FBI will be in town to help with the #CrimeIsDown facade:

“Sneed has learned that the feds plan to dispatch 65 FBI agents to the streets in high-crime areas on the South and West Sides in an all-out battle against gang crime.

The 65 feds are part of a group of 100 Chicago agents already assigned to curb gang and violent crimes.”

And it’s of no surprise that the CPD isn’t thrilled:

“It’s mind-boggling,” the top police source said. “It’s almost unheard of.”

“I thought the mayor and the police superintendent had said they don’t need more police on the streets,” the source added.

So let’s recap. In leiu of ‘don’t need more cops’, #CrimeIsDown and #ItsNotTheWeather, we have:

  • Millions in overtime
  • 165 FBI agents
  • 40 Illinois State Police troopers
  • 7 ATF agents
  • 150 desk jockeys assigned to the street

All we need is the National Guard and we’ll have YAHTZEE!!!

21 Comments

Excitable Youth

Posted on Wednesday, August 13th, 2014


It’s been a while since we’ve had ourselves a good wilding. With the Michigan Ave saturation teams in place over the summer, the chances of one on the Mag Mile is remote. Unless of course it’s the 4th of July, then no amount of cops will stop “kids from being kids”.

In any event, some “excitable youth” took to the streets of Uptown the other night in order to get to know the neighborhood better:

“No one was arrested when police dispersed a large group of teens—what some residents called a “wilding” — Monday night in Uptown.

It started out as a peaceful birthday gathering in the Field House at Chase Park. However, after it ended around 10 p.m. Monday night, the sweet sixteen party quickly soured and the party goers turned into a frightening group of vandals as they stormed down Leland.

Video of the incident was captured by a resident on Leland. It shows some of the teens walking down the middle of the street, but it’s what the video did not capture that has residents in the neighborhood angry.”

Angry? Why would the neighborhood be angry? There were no arrests, so that means there’s no crime. Just another “minor incident”.

UPDATE: Our friends over at CWB have documented another case of excitable youths doing excitable things in Uptown last night.

5 Comments

Minor Incident

Posted on Tuesday, August 12th, 2014

tis_but_a_scratchBy now you’ve likely heard that two young honor students caught lead at the annual Bud Billiken Parade. You’ll be thrilled to learn that shootings of this type, hell, just about any shooting, will now be classified as a “minor incident”.

“Bud Billiken Parade organizers on Sunday bemoaned local media focus on the shooting of two teenagers at the event instead of the celebration.

“It’s a shame to waste that time on a minor incident that occurred,” parade organizer Beverly Reed-Scott said at a news conference Sunday afternoon at the corner of 42nd Street and Martin Luther King Drive.”

In most places, any time a teenager get shot, especially near or on school grounds, the usual suspects lose their collective shit, do a lot of hand-wringing and preach to us low-brow, knuckle-dragging hillbillies how it would be best if you gave up your guns (not theirs). After all, it’s for the children, of course.

But that’s not how it works here in Chicago. The 416 teenagers who have been shot (with 65 killed) this year are in most cases classified as “minor incidents”. Unless of course it’s politically exploitable, then we’ll assume that’s what’s called a “major incident” or “a big fuckin’ deal”.

At least Ms. Reed-Scott has a solution: “Asked if she thought the media not covering violence would make a difference, Reed-Scott said: “Absolutely.”"

No report, no crime.

14 Comments

The Weekend’s Stupidity

Posted on Friday, August 8th, 2014

The Triple FacepalmAnd… we’re back! A short August recess has not only successfully recharged the batteries but only left 17 shot in our absence. Once again, we’re ready to start counting the stupid, the idiotic and the ultra moronic exploits of Chicago’s Honor Students.

ICYMI – From now on, shootings will also be known as “minor incidents” when they involve minority males between the ages of 16 and 85. We’ll assume anything outside of that range will be a “major incident”.

Final Stupidity Tally: 1 killed, 28 wounded.

Friday 8/8
5:35p 2800 N Pulaski Rd, Avondale, M/24
9:40p 200 W 118th St, West Pullman, M/16
11:50p 1500 S Christiana, North Lawndale, M/32
Saturday 8/9
5:50a 1400 W 73rd St, Englewood, M/21
5:50a 1400 W 73rd St, Englewood, M/32
6:25a 100 W 117th St, West Pullman, M/16
11:00a 35th St/Green Line, M/22 (Selfie)
12:30p 4200 S King Dr, Grand Boulevard, M/17 !
12:30p 4200 S King Dr, Grand Boulevard, M/18

1:05p 1800 S Wood St, Lower W. Side, F/16
3:10p 5700 S Shields, Englewood, M/23 !
9:30p 500 E 42nd Pl, Grand Boulevard, M/42
Sunday 8/10
12:15a 5500 S Carpenter St, Englewood M/28
12:30a 7100 S Morgan St, Englewood, M/28
1:00a 6300 S Ashland Ave, Englewood, M/20
3:40a 6500 S Maryland Ave, Woodlawn, M/19
4:10a 1200 N Springfield Ave, Humboldt Park, M/17
4:50a 8900 S Oglesby Ave, Calumet Heights, M/24
6:15a 4600 S Paulina, New City, M/16
8:50a 900 N Drake Ave, Humboldt Park, M/20 !
1:50p 7400 N Ridge, Rogers Park, M/20
3:00p 4000 S Indiana Ave, Grand Boulevard, F/17
3:05p 5300 S Aberdeen, New City, M/22
3:35p 12300 S Michigan, West Pullman, M/35
4:35p 6700 S Langley, Woodlawn, M/26 !
4:45p 6700 S Champlain, Woodlawn, M/16
7:00p 8400 S Kilbourn, Ashburn, M/21
8:30p 5913 S Justine, Englewood, M/16
Monday Overtime
2:45a 4124 W North Ave, Humboldt Park, M/28

Key:
shooting
homicide
police-involved shooting
! #ShotInTheAss

18 Comments

R&R

Posted on Monday, August 4th, 2014

Sorry folks, we're taking some time off.Believe it or not, but in the year and a half that we’ve been doing this, we’ve never taken any time off. So, we’re going to take it easy for the next few days and recharge the old batteries. In the meantime, enjoy the following stories:

That’s all folks! We’ll catch y’all later in the week.

12 Comments

shootapaloozaWith Lollapalooza back in town this weekend, it’s time to roll out the Shootapalooza moniker once again (w/ a new logo too). Just like the past few weekends, we’ll display each and every act of stupidity as it’s recorded. Shootapalooza 2013 tallied two (2) dead and another 24 wounded.

Final Shootapalooza tally: 5 killed, 25 wounded.

Friday 8/1
6:05p 600 E 37th Pl, Oakland, F/16
8:10p 13000 S Champlain Ave, Riverdale, M/24 !
8:40p 13200 S Riverdale Ave, Riverdale, M/26
8:40p 13200 S Riverdale Ave, Riverdale, M/29
10:30p 1400 W Elmdale Ave, Edgewater, M/19
11:05p 2944 W Harrison, Garfield Park, M/26
11:30p 2358 S Washtenaw, Little Village, M/16
11:30p 2358 S Washtenaw, Little Village, M/15 !
11:30p 2358 S Washtenaw, Little Village, M/18
11:30p 3900 W North Ave, Humboldt Park, M/28
11:55p 5600 S Seeley Ave, Englewood, M/28
11:55p 5600 S Seeley Ave, Englewood, M/28
Saturday 8/2
12:15a 8502 S Exchange, South Chicago, M/33
1:50a 700 E 83rd St, Chatham, M/32
1:50a 700 E 83rd St, Chatham, M/39
1:50a 700 E 83rd St, Chatham, M/61
1:50a 7900 S Merrill, South Chicago, M/19
7:00a 11400 S Yale Ave, Roseland, M/20
2:45p 6600 S St. Lawrence, Woodlawn, M/22
Sunday 8/3
3:50a 873 N Orleans, Near North Side, M/32
3:50a 873 N Orleans, Near North Side, M/21
6:00a 5700 S Morgan, Englewood, M/32
3:00p 8600 S Colfax Ave, South Chicago, M/27
3:00p 8600 S Colfax Ave, South Chicago, M/32
3:00p 8600 S Colfax Ave, South Chicago, M/33
7:25p 4100 W Jackson Blvd, Garfield Park, M/33
9:00p 1100 W 112th Pl, Morgan Park, M/17
Monday Overtime
12:15a 8600 S Colfax Ave, South Chicago, M/43
1:00a 7700 S Shore Dr, South Shore, M/42
4:30a 7100 S Damen Ave, Englewood, M/22

Key:
shooting
homicide
! #ShotInTheAss

22 Comments

Three Hundred Twenty Two

Posted on Friday, August 1st, 2014

CarnacIn our short time of Internet existence we’ve never broken the 300 shooting barrier. We suppose there’s a first for everything and now Chicago’s honor students have managed to rack up a stupidly impressive 322 people shot which left 42 dead. Last July tallied 256 people shot which left 47 dead. In other words, “More Lead, Less Dead”.

We’re impressed with Rahm and Garry’s new strategy, “Less Cops, More Docs”. Instead attempting to stop the stupidity, focus on poor shot placement, quick ambulance response times and the ability of our medical professionals to stitch and mend our honor students so that they can get shot again and again. All on the taxpayer’s dime of course.

Prediction-wise, we stated on July 1: For July, were going to stick with the ‘more lead, less dead’ theme and predict 45 (+/- 4) homicides with 250 (+/- 10) shot and wounded. Nailed the homicide part, but missed the wounded part by 30.

For August we’ll go with 50 homicides (+/- 5) and 260 (+/- 10) shot and wounded.

What say you? Maybe we’ll have a contest but we’ll have to check with our legal department first.

PS – Thanks to everyone for making July our most heavily trafficked month yet (+142% YoY). Monday July 7th was our busiest day ever.

14 Comments

Thursday Humor

Posted on Thursday, July 31st, 2014

As we wrap up what will likely be the shittiest month in years in terms of total persons shot, we thought we’d have a little fun before the annual Shootapalooza weekend. Enjoy.

1 Comment

Honor Student of the Week

Posted on Tuesday, July 29th, 2014

Todd GrossmanThis week’s honor student hails from the Portage Park neighborhood where he enjoys downing massive amounts of Four Loko, garbage can tossing and has a taste for human flesh. Please meet Todd Grossman:

“An incensed man who had been drinking Four Loko malt liquor bit another man, tearing a “mouthful of flesh” from his arm at a Portage Park block party, prosecutors said.

Todd Grossman, 36, was yelling and throwing garbage cans around in the 4300 block of North Mason Avenue in view of several children when an off-duty police officer and his wife happened to pass by Sunday night, Assistant State’s Attorney Lorraine Scaduto said in court Monday.

When the man identified himself as a Chicago Police officer, Grossman responded, “I don’t give a f— if you are the police,” according to a police report.

Grossman then attacked the officer, hitting, scratching and biting as the cop tried to place him under arrest, according to the report.”

These freely available, mind-altering drugs should be banned immediately. Not only because it’ll stop cannibalistic cop eaters but it’s for the children.

If it saves just one pound of flesh.

4 Comments

The Weekend’s Stupidity

Posted on Friday, July 25th, 2014

The Triple FacepalmSuccess! Chicago experienced the least amount of weekend lead poisoning since mid-June when the weekend of 6/20-6/22 tallied 30 incidents (6 dead, 24 wounded). However, late into the overtime period, an off duty police officer was shot and in return ventilated the alleged assailant.

Final Weekend Tally: 2 killed, 30 wounded.

Friday Pregame
10:55a 200 N Karlov, Garfield Park, M/15
Friday 7/25
6:00p 735 S California, Garfield Park, M/13
6:00p 735 S California, Garfield Park, M/14
6:00p 735 S California, Garfield Park, M/14
6:00p 735 S California, Garfield Park, M/14
6:00p 735 S California, Garfield Park, M/15
6:00p 735 S California, Garfield Park, M/21
6:00p 735 S California, Garfield Park, M/25
9:15p 1107 W 101st, Washington Heights, M/17
9:45p 7900 S Cregier, South Shore, M/25
10:15p 4400 S Sacramento, Brighton Park, M/3
Saturday 7/26
12:30a 10200 S Michigan Ave, Roseland, M/19
12:55a 3800 S Prairie Ave, Douglas, M/19
1:35a 5600 W Chicago Ave, Austin, M/24
9:55a 6000 S Aberdeen St, Englewood, M/48
12:45p 5200 S Hoyne Ave, New City, M/26
1:30p 1700 W Farwell Ave, Rogers Park, M/24
8:45p 600 S Independence, Garfield Park, M/36
10:00p 13300 S Eberhart, Riverdale, M/15
11:15p 2600 W Augusta Blvd, West Town, M/26
Sunday 7/26
3:50a 5800 S Wolcott Ave, Englewood, M/23
4:??a 100 W Huron, Near North Side, F/?
4:40a 5600 S Emerald St, Englewood, M/?
8:00a 2900 N Milwaukee Ave, Avondale, M/32
12:20p 4000 W Lexington Ave, North Lawndale, M/53
1:45p 6800 S May, Englewood, M/28
4:00p 1900 W 48th St, New City, M/30
4:45p 3600 S Rhodes Ave, Douglas, M/23
7:15p 7521 S Ridgeland, South Shore, M/15
8:45p 2204 E 70th St, South Shore, M/15
Monday Overtime
3:30a 1600 N Marshfield Ave, West Town, M/?
3:30a 1600 N Marshfield Ave, West Town, M/44
3:50a 700 N Clark St, Near North Side, M/27

Key:
shooting
homicide
police-involved shooting

20 Comments

Citizens or Serfs?

Posted on Wednesday, July 23rd, 2014

Warning Revenue CameraIt’s a simple question, are Chicagoans citizens or serfs? Citizens, where a person’s government and elected officials act in their best interests or serfs, where a person is in a condition of servitude, required to render services to a lord (mayor, whatever).

We’re going to go with serfs as evidenced by the continuing red light/speed camera fiascos.

“Thousands of Chicago drivers have been tagged with $100 red light fines they did not deserve, targeted by robotic cameras during a series of sudden spikes in tickets that city officials say they cannot explain, a Tribune investigation has found.

The Tribune’s analysis of more than 4 million tickets issued since 2007 and a deeper probe of individual cases revealed clear evidence that the deviations in Chicago’s network of 380 cameras were caused by faulty equipment, human tinkering or both.”

Maybe it was a faulty hard drive. Or better yet, a gun, everything is a gun’s fault. Of course the response is more or less a big ol’ fuck off and pay up ya tax donkey.

“Since the Tribune first detailed the problems with the ticket system on Friday morning, the mayor has had six public events on his schedule, but has not taken questions from reporters. At a Friday groundbreaking for a building construction project on Wolf Point downtown, the mayor declined to address the revelations about the ticket anomalies, saying “Today is about the jobs.”

See how easy that is? Now just issue a press release with phrases about “the children”, “safety” and some sort of “action” and we’re done here.

The serfs have been taking it in the caboose for decades and yet continue to vote for the same taking in said caboose time after time. February 2015, will give the serfs an opportunity to choose again, between taking it in the caboose or really taking it in the caboose. Better bring some lube.

11 Comments

Catch and Release

Posted on Tuesday, July 22nd, 2014

Catch and ReleaseA vast majority of ‘honor students’ who are arrested for shootings and/or homicides have lengthy rap sheets appended to their stellar report cards. Previous infractions range from the minor, like petty theft or pot, all the way up to murder.

Back in August we penned one of our more popular posts of the year. Not because it was so well written but because of the title, “I have a gun in my ass”. The star of the article, Kreepy, was busted for hiding a defaced .22 in his ass. Now fast forward to today and Kreepy has moved on to bigger and better things, like first degree murder.

“Prosecutors described how Marco Alvarado [Kreepy], 21, and another man approached Jacob Klepacz, 32, and his friend in the 1500 block of West Fullerton Avenue on April 28, around 3:55 a.m., after the two had left a Wrigleyville bar.

Alvarado punched Klepacz’s friend and the other attacker punched Klepacz, Assistant State’s Attorney Colleen Rogers said in court.

When both victims fell to the ground, the two punched and stomped the victims before taking their cell phones, money and a drivers’ licenses, according to prosecutors.

Klepacz’s injuries rendered him unconscious and his friend called police. Klepacz, of the 1200 block of North Noble Street, was pronounced dead at 4:21 a.m. that morning at Advocate Illinois Masonic Medical Center.”

Once again, thanks to Cook County’s “Catch & Release” or the ever popular “Hug a Thug” program, another innocent, non-combatant is dead at the hands of a lifelong jagoff.

20 Comments

The Weekend’s Stupidity

Posted on Friday, July 18th, 2014

The Triple FacepalmBeautiful weather + booze/pot/drugs infused idiocy = second most violent weekend of the year for Chicago. Only the 4th of July shitshow was worse. In the end there were 5 killed and another 45 wounded. The list:

Friday 7/18
2:30p 6800 S Laflin St, Englewood, M/25
3:30p 700 N Ridgeway Ave, Humboldt Park, M/44
3:30p 700 N Ridgeway Ave, Humboldt Park, F/12
3:30p 700 N Ridgeway Ave, Humboldt Park, F/33
5:50p 3900 W Wabansia, Humboldt Park, M/33
6:30p 4900 S Paulina Ave, New City, M/17
9:35p 3900 W Gladys Ave, Garfield Park, F/10
10:30p 11800 S Yale Ave, West Pullman, M/?
10:50p 2000 N Lamon, Belmont-Cragin, M/26
11:05p 7600 S Drexel Ave, Grand Crossing, M/38
11:20p 5400 W Haddon Ave, Austin, M/25
11:30p 4000 W Maypole Ave, Garfield Park, M/22
11:30p 4000 W Maypole Ave, Garfield Park, M/15
11:30p 4000 W Maypole Ave, Garfield Park, M/32
11:30p 1300 N Mason, Austin, M/27
11:30p 1300 N Mason, Austin, M/33
11:30p 1300 N Mason, Austin, M/31
11:30p 1300 N Mason, Austin, M/30
Saturday 7/19
12:10a 547 E 71st St, Grand Crossing, M/24
12:10a 547 E 71st St, Grand Crossing, M/33
12:20a 1249 S Christiana, N Lawndale, M/19
12:45a 7009 S Winchester, Englewood, M/15
3:00a 7200 S Emerald Ave, Englewood, M/35
3:05a 0 N Laramie Ave, Austin, M/30
6:15a 2600 S Avers Ave, Little Village, M/?
6:00p 900 N Massasoit Ave, Austin, M/21
6:00p 900 N Massasoit Ave, Austin, M/26
6:00p 900 N Massasoit Ave, Austin, M/33
6:00p 900 N Massasoit Ave, Austin, M/53
6:00p 900 N Massasoit Ave, Austin, F/43
9:30p 900 W 83rd St, Auburn Gresham, M/17
10:15p 1600 N Kedzie, Humboldt Park, M/26
Sunday 7/20
1:30a 4400 S Prairie Ave, Grand Boulevard, F/50
1:30a 3600 S California Ave, McKinley Park, M/20
2:35a 4500 S Kedzie, Brighton Park, M/24
2:35a 4500 S Kedzie, Brighton Park, M/30
3:05a 5200 W Addison St, Portage Park, M/24
3:05a 5200 W Addison St, Portage Park, F/31
3:10a 5600 W Division St, Austin, M/25
4:50a 2700 S Millard Ave, Little Village, F/14
4:50a 2700 S Millard Ave, Little Village, M/20
5:30a 3200 W Wrightwood Ave, Logan Square, M/19
5:45a 8500 S Burnham Ave, South Chicago, F/23
5:30p 5700 S Michigan, Washington Park, M/16
5:30p 5700 S Michigan, Washington Park, M/21
6:00p Porch violence injures 8
7:25p 4500 S Lamon Ave, Garfield Ridge, M/21
8:10p 4600 S Vincennes, Grand Boulevard. M/20
9:50p 3806 S Indiana Ave, Douglas, M/28
9:50p 3806 S Indiana Ave, Douglas, M/30
Overtime
1:15a 11100 S Princeton Ave, Roseland, M/42

Key:
shooting
homicide
police-involved shooting

42 Comments

‘Observers of human misery’

Posted on Thursday, July 17th, 2014

comedytragedyLet’s face it, most people don’t give a rat ass if a bunch of minority gangbangers shoot and kill one another. Politicians, reverends and community leader-types only care when the ideal victim (read exploitable) catches lead in the ideal location (read well off suburbs).

One of the reasons we started HeyJackass was to give those interested in Chicago’s murder, crime and mayhem a place to quickly assess the situation with a heavy dollop of sarcasm along with some 5th grade grammar and writing skills.

Our entire data set is not built off of some official government database but is based on the effort of just a handful of reporters. One of those reporters is Peter Nickeas of the Chicago Tribune who penned an excellent, must read commentary:

“I travel to crime scenes; it’s what I do. I fly around the city, from point A to point B, getting better at making sense of what I see.

In a little more than two years while working overnight at the Chicago Tribune, I’ve been to more than 450 scenes. I see cops chasing people, people chasing each other, people fighting each other. I hear gunfire. Sometimes I see it.

As reporters we can use these scenes to explain what’s happening to a neighborhood in a city of neighborhoods. But none of the observations captures how it feels to cover this night after night.

In short, it feels bad. We’re paid observers of human misery.”

While we have funny graphics of people getting shot in the ass, Peter and his reporter brethren spend their evenings telling the stories that otherwise would be a bullet point in a CPD press release. And for that effort, we are extremely grateful even if most people don’t give a rat’s ass.

Thanks,

The Jackasses at HeyJackass

Comments are off for this post.

So Few (Bad) Options

Posted on Wednesday, July 16th, 2014

ronThe big news yesterday was that Cook County Board President, Toni Preckwinkle, will not challenge Rahm come February:

“Cook County Board President Toni Preckwinkle declared Tuesday that she won’t run for mayor, leaving union and community groups angry over Chicago’s violent crime, school closings and teetering finances searching for a credible candidate to take on Mayor Rahm Emanuel next year.

The decision is a boost to Emanuel’s bid for a second term and ensures he won’t have to square off against a popular, countywide elected official capable of uniting disparate voters from the South and West Sides with lakefront liberals.”

Popular? Tax-spend-and-bankrupt Machine politicians who run unopposed election after election are popular in a “you wanna warm Natural Light?” kind of way. So with Toni out, all eyes are on CTU President Karen Lewis:

“Lewis, long an Emanuel nemesis, lately has toyed with the idea of running. On Tuesday, a CTU spokesman said the union boss was on vacation but would form an exploratory committee to consider a possible run against Emanuel because the city “cannot withstand another four years of error, disrespect and disregard.”

Assuming she cannonballs into the race, those are our choices Chicago. We’re screwed. As Second City Cop so eloquently stated: “So a short, 9.5 fingered, lying, anti-union socialist one-percenter versus a short, loud-mouth, commie, racist. Sounds like another win-win for Chicago.” Go team!

Comments are off for this post.

Montrose Beach BrewHaHa

Posted on Monday, July 14th, 2014


You’ve likely heard and/or have read by now about the alcohol-infused shitshow that went down on Montrose Beach Sunday evening. If you want to get an idea of how bad it was, just listen to what Garry has to say:

Sunday’s violence on the North Side prompted fresh questions about police staffing and crowd control tactics just a week after a bloody Independence Day weekend left left 82 shot, 16 of them fatally, across the city. At a press conference meant to highlight the Police Department’s gun seizures, Superintendent Garry McCarthy grew frustrated as reporters kept questioning him about what went wrong at Montrose Beach.

“I’m trying to tell you all about gun violence here in the city, which is our number one thing,” McCarthy said at the Grand Crossing district station on the South Side. “We had people who died over the weekend, and a disturbance at a park is something that we’ll fix moving forward, no two ways about it. But we have a problem here, and I’d like to bring attention to it.”

In other words, “Hey, you fuckers! Look at that dead body over there!” The underlying situation must pretty shitty if Garry would rather talk about homicides than a near riot at a North Side beach. (Side note: it’s not ‘gun violence’, it’s gang violence.)

We will give the CPD credit for getting the situation under control because this could have easily gotten way out of hand. However, the political stupidity that typically follows such events knows no bounds:

Meanwhile, Ald. James Cappleman, whose 46th Ward includes Montrose Beach, praised Sunday evening’s police response but expressed concern that nearby Chicago Park District parking lots allow large crowds to gather at Montrose Beach more easily than at other lakefront beaches.

“Look at Oak Street Beach. Do you see this many parking spots there? Look at Lincoln Park. There just aren’t this many parking spots in such a concentrated area in other parts of the city,” Cappleman said.

The stupid, it burns! When is that last time anyone in Chicago complained about too many parking spots? Rahm can use it in his next sermon: “Where are the parents? Where is the community? Where is the lack of PARKING!!!”

Comments are off for this post.

Weekend Wrap-up

Posted on Friday, July 11th, 2014

The Triple FacepalmWe tried something a bit different this weekend. We logged each and every shooting and homicide as we record it and it seemed to go over well. All we can say is, 1) Saturday’s rain hit at the perfect time and 2) at least no one was shot in the ass.

Final Weekend Tally: 4 killed, 29 wounded.

Friday 7/11
6:00p, 11500 S Prairie Ave, West Pullman, M/23
6:50p, 2800 W Pershing Rd, Brighton Park, M/28
6:50p, 2800 W Pershing Rd, Brighton Park, M23
7:00p, 900 S Springfield Ave, Garfield Park, M/22
7:35p, 7000 S Damen Ave, Englewood, M/15
8:15p, 5200 W Quincy St, Austin, M/32
8:15p, 5200 W Quincy St, Austin, M
8:15p, 5200 W Quincy St, Austin, F/30
8:15p, 5200 W Quincy St, Austin, F/41
9:55p, 2410 N Austin, Belmont-Cragin, M/15
9:55p, 2410 N Austin, Belmont-Cragin, M/24
9:55p, 2410 N Austin, Belmont-Cragin, M/54
10:40p, 119 W 104th Pl, Roseland, M/21
10:40p, 119 W 104th Pl, Roseland, M/26
11:45p, 2500 W Division St, West Town, M/31
11:45p, 2600 W Evergreen, West Town, M/38

Saturday 7/12
1:15a, 6200 S Rockwell St, Chicago Lawn, M/27
1:15a, 6200 S Rockwell St, Chicago Lawn, F/50
3:55a, 9800 S Hoxie Ave, South Deering, M/22
4:30a, 3300 W Le Moyne, Humboldt Park, M/33
10:00a, 3800 W Fillmore St, N. Lawndale, M/20s
3:20p, 1300 W Devon Ave, West Ridge, M/28
3:20p, 8700 S Escanaba Ave, S. Chicago, M/19
7:00p, 4500 W 58th St, West Elsdon, M/19
☂☂☂☂ Rain Delay ☂☂☂☂

Sunday 7/13
1:15a, 3600 W 15th St, N. Lawndale, M/16
3:10p, 800 W 95th St, Washington Heights, M/29
4:40p, 700 N Hamlin Ave, Humboldt Park, M/39
7:20p, 1500 S Christiana Ave, N Lawndale, F/16
7:20p, 1500 S Christiana Ave, N Lawndale, M/18
8:00p, Montrose Beach Shitshow
9:15p, 2600 S Kevdale, Little Village, M/17

Monday 7/14
12:00a, 2400 W 63rd St, Chicago Lawn, M/16
12:00a, 2400 W 63rd St, Chicago Lawn, M/16
12:45a, 1500 W 72nd St, Englewood, M/?

40 Comments

Honor Student of the Month

Posted on Thursday, July 10th, 2014

Richard MagnanTypically we bestow our “Honor Student of the Week” award on that deserving individual who best illustrates the values of folly, imbecility, inanity, lunacy, idiocy and downright stupidity. However, this time around, we cannot in good conscience limit it to just one week, therefore Richard Magnan will be our “Honor Student of the Month” (and maybe year).

“Richard Magnan, who has numerous face tattoos, including one that reads, “Fuck the world” and a White Sox logo, was friends with Joel Bentley — the man he shot in the early morning hours of July 5, Assistant State’s Attorney Alexandra Molesky said.

Bentley was a member of the 2-6 street gang, Molesky said. Magnan is also a purported member of the same gang.”

Obviously the face tats have probably limited his career choices, but apparently engaging in friendly fire wasn’t one of them. We’d like to suggest his next tat is “JAGOFF” across his forehead.

“Once there [Walgreens], Magnan, of Evergreen Park, went to his truck, grabbed his gun and pointed it to the other two men, Molesky said.

Magnan’s friends told him to put the gun away after he allegedly pulled the slide back and ejected a live round but he refused, Molesky said.

Magnan continued to wave the gun around and held it sideways, Molesky said.

At some point, the gun went off and a bullet struck 30-year-old Bentley in the abdomen, Molesky said.”

Oopsie. Mom always said don’t point a gun at someone unless you intend to shoot them. In any event, it seems that Dick has done this sort of thing before:

“Magnan was previously sentenced to eight years in prison for a 2003 murder.

He also has two convictions for possession of a stolen vehicle and a 2004 weapon conviction from Nevada.”

What an upstanding pillar of the community we have here. We’re confident that the generous taxpayers of Illinois will no doubt be thrilled to be paying for this douchebag’s well being for the next 40 years.

10 Comments

The Windy City

Posted on Wednesday, July 9th, 2014

Chicagoland RahmAs everyone knows, Chicago is known as the “Windy City” but not because it’s windy but because of our politicians’ ability to pontificate, sermonize and filibuster.

Case in point was the response to the weekend’s shitshow:

The outbreak of violence over the long Fourth of July weekend – the worst of the year so far – once again drew unflattering national attention to Chicago’s crime woes as police Superintendent Garry McCarthy insisted the department had conditions under relative control until a particularly violent stretch on Sunday night.

“It was yesterday that we lost it,” McCarthy told a crowd of reporters at a West Side police station. “We’re square-rooting nine ways from Sunday what is it that happened. Was it a fatigue factor? Did we give (too many) people (time) off? Because the fireworks were Friday and Saturday. That’s where we had a lot of folks deployed during those time frames.”

We will say this, the police prevent crime as much as a fire department prevents fires. The CPD can only do so much. Days like Sunday happen more than a few times a year and we’ll most certainly see a repeat at some point this summer.

Moving on… after being quiet all weekend, nothing like some worldwide attention to bring out Mayor Press Release:

“Now, a lot of people will say, where were the police? What were the police doing? That’s a fair question, but not the only question,” said Emanuel, standing before more than a dozen cameras on an outdoor basketball court. “Where are the parents? Where is the community? Where are the gun laws? Where are the national leaders, so we don’t have the guns of Cook County, Indiana and downstate Illinois flowing into the city?”

CPD, check; parents, good; community, good… and here we go again with the blaming of gun laws and those lawless regions of Indiana and downstate Illinois. Everything these honor students do when it comes to shooting and killing one another is already illegal. Straw purchases – yep, illegal; background checks – in place for decades; discharging a firearm much less shooting someone – really illegal; murdering another human being – that’s really, really illegal too.

We say stick with the human aspect, the parents, community and most of all the honor students. Passing more laws will do absolutely nothing and they know it. If you think more laws will do the trick, ponder this: from 1982 – 2010, Chicago had a complete and total ban on handguns. In that time period nearly 20,000 people were murdered. We’re confident they weren’t all murdered with fists, knives, bats and clubs.

16 Comments

Shitshow of Shitshows Wrap-up

Posted on Monday, July 7th, 2014

leprechaunEarlier in the week we made the following prediction: “if it’s like past 4ths, we are going to be guaranteed a massive, gigantic, epic shitshow of shitshows over the long weekend.” A massive, gigantic, epic shitshow of shitshows is exactly what we got.

UPDATE 2: 2 men who were in critical condition have passed. Now 16 have been killed.

UPDATE: Ok boys and girls, we’ve finally gotten it all straightened out. The final tally is 82 – 14 16 killed and another 68 66 shot and wounded.

A breakdown of the 82 incidents shows a clusterfuck and:

  • 14 16 homicides – all shot
  • 68 66 shot & wounded
  • At least 11 in serious/critical condition
  • 71 Males/11 Females
  • 5 police-involved shootings (2 killed)
  • 14 multi-victim incidents
  • 6 shot in the ass
  • CCW permit holder shoots and scores!

For those of you who follow us on Twitter, you may have seen the constant stream of Navy Pier fireworks tweets on Friday night. We said late that night that there would be a 99.99% chance that no major media outlet would cover what we had heard. We were wrong, there was one, just one though:

“With more than 100,000 people at Navy Pier alone and thousands more packing the lakefront to watch the Fourth of July fireworks, it was a busy night for Chicago Police.

Officers responded to calls for everything from fights to people setting off fireworks right along Michigan Avenue.”

Our collective stream of tweets has more characters than this story, but at least someone mentioned it. Nothing like 82 shot to divert attention away from that shitshow.

28 Comments

Epic Shitshow

Posted on Saturday, July 5th, 2014

American Flag in distressChicago hosted its annual 4th of July fireworks show at Navy Pier last night. As usual with these sorts of events, things got ugly fast. “Large groups” of alcohol/pot-infused “citizens” perpetrated mass stupidity including, but not limited too, wildings, fights, batteries, assaults, robberies, thefts, mass shopliftings, property damage and shootings. That was just in the River North/Streeterville neighborhood. Elsewhere around the city, mass moronic mayhem reigned as evidenced by our running shooting tally.

As the weekend proceeds, we’ll continue to add commentary here. Until then, open post.

UPDATE: The Carnival of Idiocy continues with another dozen or so people shot since Saturday afternoon. The CPD has gotten into the act by popping five (5) people this weekend, killing two (2). We’ve also had five (5) shot in the ass.

45 Comments

Happy 4th

Posted on Friday, July 4th, 2014

Skyline fireworks From the crew here at HeyJackass.com, have yourself a safe a relaxing day. If you happen to live within the city limits, the CPD will do next to nothing about those illegal fireworks. In other words, you’re free to blow your finger off and laugh hysterically until the booze wears off and then it’ll hurt like hell.

For you scanner listeners, you’ll want to tune into Zone 4 this evening. If the city’s fireworks display at Navy Pier is anything like it was last year, our local honor students will make suburbanites feel welcome by stealing their phone and punching them in the face.

PS – Awesome photo lifted from here.

3 Comments

June’s 35

Posted on Wednesday, July 2nd, 2014

CarnacBack on June 1st, we made our monthly prediction: “For June, we’re going to stick with what worked for May and make the exact same prediction, 46 (+/- 4) homicides with 230 (+/- 10) shot and wounded.” We were juuuust a bit outside on both this time around but for total incidents we were right there, guessed 276-ish vs 283 actual.

June’s homicide count will likely rise over the next few weeks as “death investigations” turn into homicides and life support recipients are removed.

Here’s a look at some June stats:

  • 35 homicides (-24% from 2013)
  • 248 shot & wounded (+10% from 2013)
  • 25 in critical condition
  • 253 Males/30 Females
  • 32 shot, 2 stabbed, 1 auto
  • 5 police-involved shootings
  • 44 multi-victim incidents
  • Team Austin led w/ 5 killed, 38 wounded
  • 24 shot in the ass (+118% from 2013)

For July, were going to stick with the ‘more lead, less dead’ theme and predict 45 (+/- 4) homicides with 250 (+/- 10) shot and wounded.

PS – For the third consecutive month in a row, we’ve had our most trafficked month yet. We tallied a 238% increase in traffic over last June. Thank you!

8 Comments

Weekend Wrap-up

Posted on Monday, June 30th, 2014

leprechaunThe annual Pride Parade cruised through the North Side on Sunday and along with it came loads of idiocy, stupidity and violence. Not so much with the parade itself, but the after hours bullshit. And for extra credit this year, three people were shot in the area, including one guy at the infamous Belmont El stop.

Our friends over at Crime in Wrigleyville & Boystown have all the details on the day’s events.

Now the obvious question must be asked, if these parade goers are so out-of-control year after year, it makes sense to cancel the whole thing, right? After all, they shut down the South Side Irish Parade for three years due to some douchebags pissing on people’s lawns and meatheads fighting at the local water holes.

We’re going to guess that not a word will be said, just like nothing was said after last year’s near riot on Belmont.

Elsewhere around town, a typical summer weekend resulted in 43 people catching lead from noon on Friday through 6a this Monday morning. So far, just a single individual has died plus another person was stabbed to death during a domestic dispute.

Overall, the week ended up being the deadliest and most violent since the beginning of the month. 11 were killed along with another 54 wounded.

4th of July weekend will be here soon and if it’s like past 4th, we’re are going to be guaranteed a massive, gigantic, epic shitshow of shitshows over the long weekend.

5 Comments

May The Schwartz Be With You

Posted on Thursday, June 26th, 2014

Darth Vader - I am your fatherThe Chicago media had a massive Jawa-induced orgasm after it was announced that mediocre director and producer of ok movies, George Lucas, decided he would take Rahm up on his offer of prime lakefront property for the display of his Star Wars toys and comic book collection. Ben Joravsky at the Chicago Reader says:

“Actually, the mayor has released almost no details about this project. So, at the very least, we might want to hold off on turning cartwheels just because Lucas chose us over San Francisco and Los Angeles.

As near as I can tell, Mayor Emanuel is treating the lakefront as an extension of his backyard, which he’s free to give away to Lucas, the filmmaker. The mayor has said he intends to put the Lucas museum on land now used for parking lots just south of Soldier Field.

To head off any public opposition, he tells us it won’t cost the public a dime.

So shut up and be happy, everybody!

Well, I hate to be the party pooper, but nobody should believe the mayor’s no-money pledge.”

We sure-the-hell don’t. Nothing on a scale this large happens by chance in this town. Someone gets paid, while everyone else takes it in the caboose. Or as John Kass over at the Tribune said:

“But we don’t need to make politicians happy by plopping a museum-of-what-one-guy-thinks-is-cool on the lakefront.

What if the next mayor has a rich friend who thinks the iconic female breast in a tight T-shirt alongside a plate of hot wings is a work of art? Are we going to have a Hooters Museum?”

Yes! The people demand a Hooters Museum now! For the children!!

6 Comments

Honor Student of the Week

Posted on Tuesday, June 24th, 2014

Anastasia RhodesFor this week’s Honor Student of the Week, we head to the north side to find a lovely young woman who enjoys getting shitfaced, fighting cops and is an all around mean drunk, please meet Anastasia Rhodes:

“Police were called to the 2400 block of North Lincoln Avenue at about 1 a.m. Thursday for a report of “a woman causing a disturbance with a Chicago Fire Department ambulance,” according to a police report.

When police arrived they found Anastasia Rhodes, 20, “highly intoxicated,” and ordered her to leave, the report states. Instead, Rhodes allegedly jumped on the running board of the ambulance as it was departing with a patient inside.

Rhodes then became belligerent when the police made her get down, screaming in one officer’s face and punching him in the chest without warning, according to the report.”

Whoa, wait a second, she’s only 20? But… but you can’t legally drink until you’re 21. Obviously, these young people can’t be trusted with such volatile organic compounds. These bottled cop battering liquids should be banned outright, not only for the greater good but more importantly, for the children. So what if it’s been tried once before, this time it’ll work.

9 Comments

Weekend Wrap-up

Posted on Monday, June 23rd, 2014

leprechaunWhile a wet and stormy week helped keep the violence down a bit, especially on Wednesday which only saw a single shooting, the weekend devolved into the usual idiocy and rampant stupidity that Chicago is so well known for. In all 30 people were shot from noon on Friday through 6a this Monday morning resulting in the death of six (6).

A breakdown of the 30 incidents shows:

  • All 6 were shot & killed
  • 2 left in critical condition
  • 28 dudes/2 chicks
  • 30.7 y/o average age
  • 7 teenagers
  • 16 neighborhoods
  • 4 multi-victim incidents
  • 2 shot in the ass

As eluded too above, the week of 6/15 was less violent then what is typically expected this time of year with the help of numerous precipitation events (rain). The week ended with 6 killed and 48 wounded, which was one less incident when compared to the week before. One could say that’s progress.

5 Comments

All Show and No Go

Posted on Thursday, June 19th, 2014

Unicorn farting rainbowsAs is always the case with politicians and their numerous minions in the media and elsewhere, the illusion of doing something is just that, an illusion. When the illusion doesn’t translate into reality, the answer is typically another law, ordinance or regulation to further “fix” what wasn’t broken to begin with.

So when it comes to gun shop regulation within the Chicago city limits, at least one Aldercreature gets it:

“I wish it could [make a difference] but, no it won’t. . . . You don’t control guns. We’re not controlling where they come from. All these kids — they get them. You just can’t stop that,” said Ald. Emma Mitts (37th). “You don’t know where they pick them up and who’s getting them to who and when they throw them away, who else gets them. Guns be used over and over again.”

Exactly, but lets pass it anyway because we have to look like we’re doing something and blah, blah, blah, for the children, blah, election coming up, blah, blah.

4 Comments

Tick Tick Tick

Posted on Tuesday, June 17th, 2014

Former Mayor Richard M DaleyHardly a day goes by without someone talking about wanting “safe streets”, “good schools”, “affordable housing” or a “hot dog w/ everything (no ketchup, ever)”. Ok, so the last one is us, but the point being is all that stuff requires some sort of funding mechanism.

The issue here in Chicago is that the funding mechanism, i.e. the taxpayer, is about to get taken behind the woodshed:

“Already facing a host of financial worries, Mayor Rahm Emanuel’s administration could be stuck with a nearly $200 million tab as a result of betting heavily on risky interest-rate “swaps” under former Mayor Richard M. Daley.

Chicago has more than $8.3 billion in outstanding bond debt — money it borrowed by selling bonds.

To protect against fluctuating interest rates, the city entered into swap agreements affecting about $3 billion of its debt, records show. Had interest rates risen since those deals were signed, the city would have saved money. Instead, rates have dropped.”

In short, Daley made a bet, lost, and now that marker is about to get called. So while the the citizens of Chicago are going to take this one up the caboose (surrounding suburbs you’re gonna take it too) you know damn well someone connected is going to score and score big.

After all is said and done, Daley still won’t know what he didn’t know.

5 Comments

Father’s Day Weekend

Posted on Monday, June 16th, 2014

leprechaunA picture perfect Father’s Day weekend calls for a good old-fashioned family BBQ but if you happen to be in certain parts of the South or West sides, it calls for rampant stupidity and violence. 35 people were shot this weekend, resulting in two (2) deaths plus one (1) stabbing. Last weekend we tallied 34 incidents with four (4) killed and an additional 30 shot and wounded.

A breakdown of the 36 incidents shows:

  • 2 were shot & killed, 1 stabbed
  • 6 left in critical condition
  • 33 dudes/3 chicks
  • 24.4 y/o average age
  • 8 teenagers
  • 18 neighborhoods
  • 3 shot in the ass
  • 7 multi-victim incidents
  • ANA pilot shot w/ an air rifle

The week of 6/8 however ended up being the least violent in a while (cool, wet weather helped), assuming one thinks 6 killed and 49 wounded is not-too-violent. The record holder for the year is still the week of 4/20 which saw 12 killed and 72 wounded. The week ahead looks to be hot and humid which is never a good combination come 8pm.

4 Comments

Happy Father’s Day

Posted on Sunday, June 15th, 2014

Darth Vader - I am your fatherHappy Father’s Day to all those dads out there. May your day be somewhat relaxing and may you only have to yell “get off my lawn!” once or twice and not have to resort to a warning shot. Last Father’s Day was a real shitshow, let’s hope this one is a bit more subdued.

2 Comments

Garbage Disposal

Posted on Friday, June 13th, 2014

Martin Ybarra It’s unfortunate that Illinois no longer has the death penalty because this piece of useless human excrement would be an ideal candidate.

“A Latin King gang member was sentenced to life in prison Friday for gunning down three teenage boys as he aimed for a rival gang member outside Bowen High School on the Southeast Side.

Cook County Judge Steve Goebel told Martin Ybarra that it was impossible for him to be rehabilitated and that he “should never be free” for murdering the victims as if it were a “sport” on Feb. 20, 2009.

Just six months before he shot 13-year-old Johnny Edwards and Bowen High students Kendrick Pitts, 17, and Raheem Washington, 15, Ybarra was acquitted for a 2005 murder near same location.”

So when he was 16, he as tried for murder. What a guy. A genuine honor student of the highest degree.

“None of the boys was Ybarra’s intended target.

Ybarra initiated his bloody siege on foot and ended it with his body hanging outside a car near that intersection, spraying bullets from an Eastern European rifle.

“Run, n —–, run. Die n —–, die,” Ybarra screamed from the car, prosecutors said.”

We’re not sure what an “Eastern European” rifle is (AK-47?) but the same rifle should be used to save Illinois taxpayers millions in keeping this jagoff well fed and sheltered for the next 50 years.

9 Comments

High Capacity Killing Machines

Posted on Thursday, June 12th, 2014

Another day and another story of young lives being snuffed out because of a high capacity, high speed killing machine. No, not an “assault rifle” or a motorcycle, this time it’s a product of the evil Bayerische Motoren Werke corporation.

“Four people died and one person was critically injured after a crash on the Northwest Side early Thursday, according to police.

The single-vehicle crash happened about 3 a.m. after a speeding driver lost control of a BMW 328xi and hit a wall in a service alley behind a Lowe’s at 2630 N. Narragansett, police at the scene said.

The car nearly struck more than 100 propane tanks behind the store and was “five feet from blowing the whole place up,” said Elliot Musial, an investigator for the police Major Accidents Unit.

Three males and one female died after the crash, authorities said. Everyone in the car is believed to be in their early 20s, but one person could be a teenager…”

The obvious solution here would be to ban cars, especially evil BMWs. After all, if it saves just one life… but since millions are used in a safe, responsible manner everyday, that’s unlikely. A better solution would be to have a strict permitting or licensing process with background checks, video taped sales and limiting drivers to just 10 miles a month.

PS – If you’re visiting us from Facebook, please let us from where you came. We saw a huge spike in traffic from Facebook, but we have no idea whose doing the pushing.

8 Comments

Honor Student of the Week

Posted on Wednesday, June 11th, 2014

Joseph BunchMaybe all those stories about the robust economic recovery are true. After all, when an armed robber hands back a victim’s cell phone because it’s not good enough, the good times must be here again.

“A robber who held a man at gunpoint and demanded his cellphone this week was not impressed with his victim’s device, prosecutors said.

The robber, Joseph Bunch, said he “had an iPhone, which is the best phone there is,” Assistant State’s Attorney Lorraine Scaduto alleged in court Tuesday. “[Bunch then became] upset that the victim did not have a better phone to offer him.”

He ultimately gave the subpar phone back to the victim.”

Must have been a Blackberry.

3 Comments

Weekend Wrap-up

Posted on Monday, June 9th, 2014

leprechaunAs Chicago settles in for the long summer and we have ourselves some consistently nice weather, we’ll also have ourselves a consistent level of stupid. In a roughly 14 hour stretch from Friday afternoon through Saturday morning, three (3) were killed and another 19 were shot and wounded. In all, four (4) were killed with an additional 30 wounded this weekend.

A breakdown of the 34 incidents shows:

The week of 6/1 ended up being the second most violent week of the year with a total of 83 incidents (11 killed, 72 wounded). The record holder for the year is still the week of 4/20 which saw 12 killed and 72 wounded. It’s highly unlikely that 84 incidents will be the ceiling as the summer rolls along. It’ll likely be a floor.

2 Comments

Honor Student of the Week

Posted on Wednesday, June 4th, 2014

Gerald PreacelyThis week’s honor student is a convicted felon who enjoys doing time, taking potshots at police officers and receiving incoming fire from the same officers. Please meet Gerald S. Preacely Jr.:

“Officers patrolling in a squad car in the 6400 block of South King Drive about 9:25 a.m. Tuesday saw Preacely cross the street in front of their car, firing a handgun at a group of people in the Parkway Gardens housing complex, according to prosecutors.

The squad car pulled over and an officer in the passenger seat got out of the car and announced himself. Preacely turned in the direction of the officers and fired two to three shots, prosecutors said.

One of the officers returned fire, shooting three times at Preacely, prosecutors said. Preacely ran through a courtyard of the housing complex, tossing a 9 mm loaded handgun into a Dumpster.”

Fortunately for the officers involved, Gerry’s time in the pen prevented him for attending his weekly firearm safety and training session even though he has some experience in this area:

“Preacely… was previously convicted of unlawful use of a weapon, aggravated unlawful use of a weapon and misdemeanor street gang contact while on parole…”

Maybe the attempted murder of a police officer charge will put Gerry away for more than a couple years, maybe.

13 Comments

Mass Shooting Hysteria Again

Posted on Tuesday, June 3rd, 2014

Mass shooting hysteria!Back in March we penned a post about a mass shooting that “will most assuredly make the national news with Rahm and Garry pleading for stricter gun laws.” Of course it didn’t and the story quickly fell down the memory hole.

Fast forward three months and we’ve got ourselves another incident with lots of people catching lead in unison.

“The shooting happened about 8:05 p.m. at a strip mall in the 2600 block of East 79th Street, authorities said. The shooter walked up and fired a handgun into a crowd of people, Police News Affairs Officer Ron Gaines said.

The glass window of a coin laundry was shattered, and police worked into the morning to determine who was wounded inside the laundromat and who were hit outside, officials said.

Paramedics found four of the injured inside the laundromat, Chicago Fire Department spokesman Larry Langford said. The three others were outside.

The youngest person shot, a 14-year-old boy, was hit in the leg and taken to Comer Children’s Hospital, authorities said. A 16-year-old boy was also shot in the leg and was taken to Advocate Christ Medical Center in Oak Lawn.”

Damn it! Once again another mass shooting took place in the wrong neighborhood and the wrong types of individuals were shot. Completely unexploitable… unless… the shooter turns out to be a 22 year old, 7/16th white-eskimo-Martian virgin from the North Shore with some major mommy issues then we’ve got ourselves a story.

For the record this is 4th incident this year with 6 shot and there have been 4 others with 5 shot. Looks like we’re going to need a mass shooting graphic. Ideas?

11 Comments

May’s 45

Posted on Sunday, June 1st, 2014

CarnacBack on May 1st, we made our monthly prediction: “For May, we’re going to go with 46 (+/- 4) homicides with 230 (+/- 10) shot and wounded.” and we f*cking nailed it! Who needs CompStat?

Here’s a look at some May stats:

  • 45 homicides (-6% from 2013)
  • 232 shot & wounded (+72% from 2013)
  • 15 in critical condition
  • 247 Males/30 Females
  • 38 shot, 3 stabbed, 4 other
  • 2 police-involved homicides
  • 46 multi-victim incidents
  • Team Englewood led w/ 4 killed, 27 wounded
  • 19 shot in the ass (+171% from 2013)

For June, we’re going to stick with what worked for May and make the exact same prediction, 46 (+/- 4) homicides with 230 (+/- 10) shot and wounded.

PS – For the second consecutive month, thanks to everyone for making May our most heavily trafficked month yet. We tallied a 430% increase in traffic over last May. Thank you!

11 Comments

$15/hr Upskirting Gun Shops

Posted on Thursday, May 29th, 2014

Whenever the Aldercreatures that roam City Hall are in session, you can be sure some real stupid and utterly useless shit will be on the agenda. After all, with an economic disaster quickly approaching, why bother tackling the important stuff when the easy stuff is, well, easy.

“The Chicago City Council meets today, the agenda topped by Mayor Rahm Emanuel’s introduction of a plan to regulate gun sales in the city by controlling where the stores can go and requiring videotaping of sales and strict record-keeping.

Aldermen also are expected to take up measure that would ban video “upskirting” and levy fines for posting handbills in a way that mars residential property or leads to litter.”

See… stupid shit.

“The point of sale would need to be videotaped and the stores’ books would be subject to quarterly audits. There would be a 72-hour waiting period to buy a handgun and 24 hours for a rifle or shotgun.

The city ordinance to ban the taking of videos under a woman’s skirt without her consent largely duplicates a state law already on the books.”

In other words, pass ordinances that are already covered by existing state and federal laws only make it more illegaler by giving offenders stern looks and a disapproving shake of the head.

And finally, our favorite economically illiterate Aldercreature (& spark for this site) is pushing a $15/hr minimum wage.

“Ald. Proco “Joe” Moreno, 1st, scoffed at the argument that a higher minimum wage would hurt business, saying the whole city would be better off if residents had more money to spend. “It’s not going to hurt business. It never has,” Moreno said. “It’s only raised those at the lower end.”"

Maybe in Bizarro Chicagoland or is this Bizarro Chicagoland? Hard to tell the difference these days.

12 Comments

Long Weekend Wrap-up

Posted on Tuesday, May 27th, 2014

leprechaunA strange and rare occurrence happened Friday on our way to the second deadliest Memorial Day weekend in the past five years – there were no reported shootings or homicides. None. The last time we saw a goose egg like that was on March 13th.

Of course, when the pendulum swings too far in one direction, it must swing back in the other direction and swing it did. Saturday afternoon through Monday evening saw a total of eight (8) homicides plus another 22 wounded.

A breakdown of the 30 incidents shows:

The week ahead: May 2013 finished up with 48 homicides, whereas we currently stand at 37 with less than 5 days to go. The weather will be ideal, but it may be too tall an order. Garry and crew can and will claim that #CrimeIsDown at their June 2 presser despite the 40% jump in wounded honor students.

13 Comments

Memorial Day Weekend

Posted on Friday, May 23rd, 2014

UPDATE:With just the Memorial Day Monday left to go this weekend, there have been 6 killed and another 12 wounded.

The Memorial Day weekend marks the official start of summer in Chicago and with summer comes shitloads of shootings, homicides and general mayhem. For whatever reason, holiday weekends tend to be stupider than most, so here’s a look back at previous Memorial Day weekends:

  • 2013: 6 killed
  • 2012: 12 killed
  • 2011: 7 killed
  • 2010: 6 killed
  • 2009: 4 killed

The stupidity isn’t confined to our local honor students. Who can’t forget this oldie but goodie from 2011:

“A Chicago woman who played witness to a beach melee on Memorial Day weekend wants Chicago police and officials to come clean about what happened along the lakefront in May.

City officials said they closed North Avenue Beach on May 30 because of excessive heat, but Amy Schwartz says no one is talking about the excessive violence that prompted her to call 911 that day.

Schwartz said she was walking from Oak Street Beach toward North Avenue Beach on Memorial Day when she witnessed a woman being beaten by a gang of people on the beach.

Both Garry McCarthy and Rahm Emanuel have said the people suffering from heat exhaustion was the only reason for closing the beach. A city spokesman says the violence calls were handled promptly, and deny there’s any attempt to spin the facts.”

If memory serves, it was a pleasant low 80s at the time and none of the other beaches were closed down that day. Apparently in 2011 #ItWasTheWeather but today #ItsNotTheWeather. So hard to keep things straight.

3 Comments

The Bombshell Article Part II

Posted on Tuesday, May 20th, 2014

no_bullshitBack on April 7th we penned our response to Chicago Magazine’s bombshell article about the CPD’s homicide shenanigans. Now comes part 2, which deals with the more common “quality of life” property crimes and in our opinion it’s worse than part 1.

“Murders grab the headlines. But they make up less than 1 percent of the total number of crimes committed. So when Emanuel and McCarthy talk about the huge drop in crime since they took over in May 2011, they’re referring mostly to reductions in the number of break-ins, car thefts, muggings, sexual assaults, and the like—the kinds of crimes much more likely to befall the typical Chicagoan.

If you go to the police department’s website and compare the index crime totals for 2010 (found in that year’s annual report) with the totals in the 2013 year-end CompStat report (more on that later), you’ll see a drop of 56 percent, or 19 percent per year on average. It’s akin to a chronically mediocre student all of a sudden earning straight As.

Current and former officers and several criminologists say they can’t understand how a cash-strapped and undermanned department—one that by its own admission has been focusing most of its attention and resources on combating shootings and murders and protecting schoolchildren in a few very violent neighborhoods—could achieve such astounding results. “God Almighty! It’s just not possible,” opines a retired high-ranking officer who reviewed the department’s statistics.”

After having numerous encounters over the years like those described in the article, none of this surprises us in the least bit. Please read the whole thing.

4 Comments

Weekend Wrap-up

Posted on Monday, May 19th, 2014

leprechaunBefore the official HeyJackass start to the weekend, Friday morning started hot and heavy with four (4) shootings before 10:30am, but the rest of the day was quiet with just a single shooting Friday night. The stupidity didn’t really start to pick up until later on Saturday when the weather broke. Hmm, strange, the nicer the weather, the more the lead flies. So weird.

In all, four (4) were killed with an additional 27 wounded. A breakdown of the 31 incidents shows:

  • 3 were shot & killed, a 3 y/o child was beaten
  • 4 in critical condition
  • 29 dudes/2 chicks
  • 21.8 y/o average age
  • 10 teenagers
  • 16 neighborhoods
  • No one was shot in the ass
  • 1 shot in the junk

The week ahead looks pretty nice from a weather perspective with the upcoming the Memorial Day weekend likely devolving into an epic shitshow. Something about holiday weekends, honor students and all that “turning your life around” talk just sets people off.

5 Comments

Honor Student of the Week v2

Posted on Friday, May 16th, 2014

Wondale CollierTypically we like to bestow our ‘Honor Student of the Week’ award to just one deserving individual a week but this week we’re honored to have two.

Our second ‘Honor Student of the Week’ comes to us from the Jefferson Park neighborhood. He enjoys burglaries, ransacking, vomiting and passing out in police officers’ living rooms. Please meet Wondale Collier:

“A burglar who broke into the Norwood Park home of a Chicago Police detective was heard talking to the family’s dog before responding officers found him sleeping in the ransacked living room clutching a broken Kindle Fire, prosecutors said.

Wondale Collier, 30, broke into the detective’s Norwood Park home early Friday morning, according to a police report.

There was vomit everywhere and the room had been ransacked, with papers strewn about, prosecutors said.

The frame of a Kindle that Collier was holding had been pried off, and the screen was laying in the front yard.”

He’s lucky the officer wasn’t home at the time or else he would have likely assumed room temperature faster than the vomit strewed about.

3 Comments

Honor Student of the Week

Posted on Tuesday, May 13th, 2014

This week’s honor student is a 15 year old (former) high school football player with extremely poor marksmanship skills. Please meet Demarco Washington:

Morgan Park High School football player Demarco Washington, 15, was denied bond Tuesday for allegedly fatally shooting 15-year-old friend Vaughn Holeman on Mother’s Day in the West Pullman community.

Vaughn began arguing with the car’s occupants while motioning for Demarco, [State's Attorney Alexandra] Molesky said. Demarco ran up to the vehicle, pulled a gun from his pocket and fired several shots in the direction of the car.

At least one bullet struck Vaughn, and he collapsed while trying to run, Molesky said. Witnesses reported no shots fired from the white car, Molesky said.

Whoopsie. Friendly fire.

PS – No mugshots for “children” under 18.

4 Comments

Mother’s Day Weekend

Posted on Monday, May 12th, 2014

leprechaunMaybe it was because of Mom (or lack thereof) or maybe our honor students decided to save their ammo for the upcoming Memorial Day weekend or possibly the more humid weather results in sweaty trigger fingers. Whatever the reason, this weekend saw the fewest shootings since late March. In all, 24 were shot leaving five (5) dead.

A breakdown of the 24 incidents shows:

  • All 5 were shot & killed
  • 3 in critical or serious condition
  • 19 dudes/5 chicks
  • 24.1 y/o average age
  • 6 teenagers
  • 15 neighborhoods
  • 1 police-involved homicide
  • 1 friendly fire
  • 1 selfie in the foot
  • 1 shot in the ass
  • 1 shot in the junk

As an added bonus, a Saturday afternoon homicide feature an honor student decked out with body armor and an AK-47. Obviously he was headed to down to the local flower shop to pick up a Mother’s Day arrangement for Mom. That’s what all “good kids” who are “turning their life around” do.

2 Comments

Inside Job

Posted on Saturday, May 10th, 2014

Scary black rifleHmm, hundreds of container cars, thousands upon thousands of different types of cargo and someone manages to pick off more than a dozen “assault” rifles? Something stinks.

“Part of a shipment of semiautomatic assault rifles was stolen this week from a freight train container at a rail yard in Chicago’s Englewood neighborhood, federal authorities and a railroad spokesman said.

The 13 Smith & Wesson M&P15 Sport rifles were stolen from a yard located in the 6100 block of South Lafayette Avenue sometime between Sunday and Tuesday, a spokesman with the federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives said.

“We’re hoping to recover them before they’re … used in any type of crime,” said Special Agent Thomas Ahern, spokesman for the ATF’s Chicago field office.”

Yeah, right. “Stolen”. With the ATF involved it’s probably more like “gifted, found, lost or borrowed”.

Assuming these end up being used to ventilate a few honor students, we’re confident that McBeerNuts will then claim that “lax gun laws, period” and “military style” weapons are to blame. It’ll also likely be the fault of some faceless law-abiding gun owner somewhere since after all it’s his/her fault that he/she wanted one of these rifles to begin with. Oh, and we may as well blame conceal carry too, just because.

15 Comments

15 in 12

Posted on Friday, May 9th, 2014

Unicorn farting rainbowsIt should come as no surprise that the first 80+ degree day produces a lot of stupid amongst Chicago’s honor students.

“At least 15 people, including a 16-year-old boy, were wounded in shootings across Chicago Thursday afternoon through Friday morning, according to authorities.

Eight of the victims were shot in the Calumet police district on the Far South Side and others were shot as far north as Touhy Avenue 30 miles away.”

What else should come as no surprise is that this won’t be a major news story nor was it the most violent day of the year so far. That honor belongs to April 26 which saw 22 shot with 4 killed.

We did however see a guest appearance by a rifle, which we could only assume was one of those scary black “military grade” rifles that do their thing only because of “lax gun laws, period.”

“Around 1:20 a.m., someone with a rifle shot at the front of a house in the 300 block of East 136th Street in the Riverdale neighborhood on the Far South Side, leaving pinky-sized casings in the street. Wounded were a 48-year-old man and a 67-year-old woman. Both were taken to Metro South Medical Center and both were expected to survive.”

Apparently Mr. Lax Gun Laws isn’t very accurate with his spray and pray methodology.

8 Comments